Here I Am Today

I've made a lot of mistakes and have so many regrets in life.  I've also been hurt by others a lot, too.  I faced rejection as a child and abuse as an adult.  But I had one gift that has helped me through- my mother.

She had a strong spirit.  When I was a teenager she was told she would have six months to a year to live.  She made it eight years.   She laid a foundation of self-worth and tenacity that I am only now remembering and learning to live in my life.

Some days I wish it would all just stop.  I get tired of fighting.  All the memories, the anxiety, the depression, the regrets, the guilt, etc.  But lately I have been hearing her voice through it all saying I am more than all that.  Though I may question it often, I am a survivor, just as she was.

I find I want to give up, yet, I can't.  Some part of me refuses to do so.  I cry, get angry, freak out, but at some point I find that I am still trying to live my life and forge ahead through it all.  I am grateful for this part of me and believe it is due to the foundation my mother laid down for me.  I have dreams now, friends, even my family ties are on the mend.  There is hope.  I have given up a few times in my life, but I won't do that anymore!  I can't let the bullshit win.  Even if I fall flat, I gotta know I did my best- for her as much as for me.

Tigress35 Tigress35
31-35, F
1 Response Jun 20, 2007

Thank you for sharing this. Good luck!