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I Just Want Everything to Get Better

I  got into a relationship with this guy my freshman year of high school.  He was an overbearing, controlling abusive guy who gave me rules to follow but had none of his own.  I suspected him of cheating on me, so I started flirting with this guy.  Nothing happened between me and this other guy, but his number was on my phone.  I went to my boyfriends house, he saw the number, beat the **** out of me and left me in my car, passed out, at 2 in the morning.  We broke up, not because I wanted to, but because I wronged him.  I couldn't function for some stupid reason and dropped out of college.

 

I had ****** relationships with other guys who exploited me because I was weak.  I cheated on all of them.  But, I finally meet this really amazing guy in 2008, about 6 months after me and the first b/f broke up.  I don't know what was going on in my head, but I was going to kill myself, and he came over and "rescued" me.  I cheated on him a week later.  I don't know what the hell was going on, I don't know why I did it.  I regret it undoubtedly, but I kept it secret for the longest time.  Me and this good guy have been going out for 1 year and 4 months, and he just confronted me on this topic and another.

Since the first break up, I haven't been able to NOT talk to this ******* who beat me up.  I don't know what compels me to keep going back to **** when I have something so good going on in front of my face.  I removed him from online contact for about a month, but I would dream of him.  We would be back together and everything was fine, but I would wake up next to my b/f feeling guilty as hell.  So I secretly added him to my msn so I could talk to him.  It was nothing romantic.  I just had to see how he was doing. 

My current boyfriend and I have been on decent terms, but I feel terrible for the hell I put him through.  I want to make it up to him and don't really know how.  I love with all my heart and can't really picture my life without him being there.  But in order for that to happen I have to get rid of this URGE to talk to my ex.  He's really bad for me and I'm completely conscious of that fact, but something inside of me makes me dream of him and NEED to talk to him.  I just want things with my current boyfriend to work out.  He deserves better than me, but I think I can get better to be what he deserves.  I just need some help.

amandolisempre amandolisempre 22-25, F May 9, 2009

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