I'd always wanted a baby but for financial reasons we decided to have a abortion! On top that we hadn't been together long. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I took the right precautions, on the pill and took it right time everyday! It was supposed to work.

I felt numb for the whole two weeks leading up to the abortion and I guess I just didnt think through what I was doing properly. I just blocked it out. It wasn't till the day after the abortion that something finally clicked and it hit me what I had done. I couldn't stop crying for days.
Even though my bf was supportive and came with me to my appointments, he didnt really show any emotion. I know most blokes don't show emotion but it upset me, as I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting.

In the last few months we have to have blazing rows and it is mainly me starting them and just picking fights cos I have so much anger inside me. I lash out at him and say some terrible things and just try to blame him for the whole thing.
I am not the same person I used to be before I got pregnant.
I am changing into this angry person! I'm not an angry person. I don't know what to do with this anger! I've always been quite a calm and easy going person.

About 5 people I know and work with have become pregnant since my abortion and they have all kept their babies.I know it's not normal, but I feel uncontrollable resentment towards all these people I know getting pregnant. I am so jealous of them having babies and can't stop thinking about mine and wondering what it would have looked like, been like.

During the time I was pregnant, I kept count of how many weeks/days I would have been and what date it would have been due, etc. My boyfriend just expects me to be over it now, he doesn't understand why I can't let it go, so I can't really talk to them without feeling like he think im stupid and a pain in the ***.

It's cutting me up inside watching and hearing about my friends having babies and I would give anything to go back to June and have my baby back. I would be 7 months now.

I think I have also become depressed since then, as some days I feel very low, and others I feel fine. On my down days I just dont see the point in life anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my family and my bf. if I was alone I dread to think what I may have done.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep,
I think about the abortion every day and just dont know what to do anymore. I hate feeling like this.
I feel so alone but the idea of talking to someone about it scares me. I guess if I talk to someone professional it becomes even more real. But what choice do I have now the months are going on and I still feel heavy and empty.
cjay89 cjay89
26-30, F
Oct 10, 2014