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Damaged Goods

I googled “ I regret losing my virginity” in an attempt to find some sort of comfort or asylum. I found this forum and it seems as though this could be a way to help heal the wounds I tore open by being so stupid. Many of the stories have helped me, so I think I'll share.

I was, and am, 16 years old. Far, far too young. I thought I knew everything at the time, and now I realize just how wrong I was. So very, very wrong.

I was eight when I met him- an interesting, odd, kind boy. He was my brother’s best friend; they’re incredibly alike in so many ways. I grew up with him from that age on since he was constantly at my house, going on family vacations with us- he was just a part of the family and I remember him in many of my memories. I had never really taken an interest in him as something more than just a second big brother- he was six years older and that was forbidden.

But when I was 15 years old, he started acting strange around me. Kind of like he was nervous that he was going to do something wrong or maybe say something wrong. We had always been so comfortable around each other that I noticed the tension immediately- it was foreign in our innocent relationship. Automatically, I knew that things had changed and that he had taken an interest in me. And after realizing how he felt, I recognize that I felt the same kind of feelings for him.

After he drunkenly confessed his feelings for me, he was sure he couldn’t admit it without liquid courage, I told him that I felt the same way and- to my surprise- he told me that he had felt that way for a long time.

He was in the military at the time so I saw him rarely. Usually just a few times a year amounting to maybe three weeks total. While he was stationed elsewhere and was serving in Iraq, we were constantly sending text messages and emails, talking on the phone and Skype, even for up to 10 hours a day into the early hours of the morning. We started unofficially “dating” nine months before he came home after I broke up with my boyfriend at the time of almost a year. That break-up was hard for me, but for the first time, I felt like I was in the right relationship.

I counted the days until he came home for Christmas for nine months- I hated the waiting game, but I knew that he was worth waiting for. We talked about marriage and children far sooner than anyone should, but I truly believe that we were in love with each other- I don’t doubt that he loved me.
Well the waiting certainly didn’t help-- at all. When he got home, all I wanted was to be in his arms and on his mouth and well, you know. He stayed with my family for three weeks and from the day he got there to the day that he left, we were constantly having sex whenever we got the chance. Although he initiated it on the first day, I am not clear of any blame. I allowed it, never said no and ended up initiating a lot of it myself. I didn't do it because it felt like what I wanted to do. I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I mean, I was going to marry this man, right? I figured that was how relationships went and it was about time that I gave him something. Pathetic of me to give it up so easily.

 It was silly because a lot of times we had to wait until everyone was asleep and I found myself falling asleep during a lot of it- not because it wasn’t good, but just because I was so exhausted.

Now, when I think back on it, it just makes me want to break down in tears. Even writing this I’m leaning away from the computer in the hopes of not destroying it with my waterworks. It was so wrong in so many ways. Not only was I in and out of consciousness for most of it, but that didn’t make a difference to him. I would wake up and things would still be going on. It was mechanical and just… just not right. There was no emotional attachment connected along with it- he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes- another thing that starts up the tears.

We broke up three months after he left. I was the one who did it. By then, all of the qualities that were masked by my “in love-ness” were evident. He was controlling, manipulative and entirely wrong for me- even though he seemed so right in so many ways. In retrospect, I see that the whole sex thing was all about control; he wanted me to feel more promised to him. I believe that he thought he owned me and sex was just another way to have more of a hold on me. I consider myself a highly headstrong person, and he changed me into a compliant and submissive partner that was just not me.
I decided I needed to be done with his emotionally abusive tendencies. So I told him we were over. After threatening me, attempting to guilt trip me and then just cursing, I realized even more so that he was not “the one” as I thought he was. Throughout our break up conversation, he wasn’t listening to me since he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. After that was through, he tried to be nice and send friendly text messages, but when I didn’t agree to get back together, he would turn malicious.

Eventually, when he knew he wasn’t getting his way with me, he started using my friends to keep tabs on me.  After doing so, he would then call me to yell about how mad he was at the places I had been going or the people I had been with. When he no longer “owned me”.

I can’t explain to anyone how much I regret what I did. Even just thinking about it creates a heavy feeling in my stomach and makes me want to vomit. I get teary and, honestly, pathetic.

I feel broken and like I’m damaged goods. In an attempt to help myself, I began dating the wonderful boy I was with before my mistake. It feels as though we picked up where we left off- he’s the best to talk and listen to. But now, even though I have this great guy going for me, I feel as though I’m this disgusting, wretched thing- even though he tells me that it doesn’t tarnish his opinion of me. I guess more than anything, the problem is that my opinion of myself is what’s tarnished. It sucks to look in the mirror and see what I think is a *****.

When this new boy cuddles with me and kisses me, I can’t help but think “well I’ve done all this before” and then I get all sick to my stomach again. So now I have intimacy issues on top of my damaged self-esteem.

I apologize, I’m ranting. I hope that time will heal these wounds, but maybe writing about it will jump-start the progress. Plus, maybe this can convince someone not to make the same mistake I did.

It’s something worth waiting for.
 

g5yv5bo5dw g5yv5bo5dw 16-17 8 Responses Jun 2, 2010

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Thank you for sharing this... It strengthens my resolve. It sounds insensitive to say to you but thank you.

Also! The guy was in the military! It's Illegal to have sex with an underaged person... he's lucky you didn't convict him. You're a nice person.

Hi I'm Mezniquee Mattis & I'm so sorry what happen to you. There is still time to gain back power within it all. I'm the host of vir?gin sex 101 after dark on blog talk raido & you can catch up with me at bvippresentsdotcom.com check them out you always have a safe home there.

(sorry this is really really long) This is a really great post! I am so happy you were strong enough to get away from that guy! My mom fell into an abusive relationship when she was only 14. She stayed with the man until 22 years later. Because she didn't have the strength to realize that it was never going to change. My sister has the same tendencies and has been dating this guy off an on for the past several years who is emotionally abusive. He just sits there and picks at her, and she doesn't have the strength to stay away. she's miserable when she is with him but can only stay broken up with him for so long before going right back. I was once with a boy like the one you got away from and he up and left me. I started dating this wonderful boy (who I am still with today, two years in september) and the old boy came back around when my current boyfriend and I starting having some major problems. I was more than happy to have him back in my life, he was my best friend for a long time. But after I decided that I was not going to start dating him again because of how he treated me when I took to long to decide it was back to poof out of my life. I finally let go of him and I told him goodbye, a few weeks later he started texting me telling me how I was his first and only love and how he would never find anyone like me ever again. I'm happy he's gone. And my relationship is perfect. Even though we are so happy together and madly in love we don't have sex. We do intimate things, but actual intercourse no. We believe we are not ready for such a heafty responsibility. We plan to wait until marriage. The boy you are with now sounds wonderful. I feel so happy for you that you have someone like him. I know it's hard to forgive yourself, but once you do you will feel so free. Love is a great thing. I would like to maybe talk to you more! if you want to talk to me just shoot me an email. :)

It's not hard to want to feel the intimacy so quickly. I also went through a period where sex became mechanical with a boyfriend I had mostly lost feelings for. Keep heart, be strong! In time, you will learn to feel better about yourself, and you will find someone more worthy of your affections, whether or not that is the original boyfriend mentioned in this story. As a side-note, I would like to say that you have a highly engaging writing style, and your piece was intriguing and well put together.

I almost went through the exact thing. Im with the right guy now, but made the mistake of breaking it off to be with some loser only to realize i had the right guy all along... i know exactly what your going through :(.

*hugs*

forget about the old guy. he was the as'shole, not you. you were just naive and blinded by his charm and he used you to fulfill his needs. its not, in any way, your fault at all. stay strong sister. NEVER let a man treat you like sh'it ever again. and wait for sex. no matter how long you wait....days, weeks, months, years even, just wait. time will heal all wounds. stay strong :)

aww that's a shame! I'm truly sorry about what happened, I guess you learned a valuable lesson. <br />
I hope this guy you're with now will treat you better than the last guy. :)