Hurt, Disappointed, Bitter

I fell for my best friend.(We'll call him "X")
He was older than me, which was not approved by my parents.
I had always had a slight crush on him from afar(Unbeknown to him) since we had met during homecoming my freshman year.
We hung out, never really had a close relationship, but were there for each other to talk about difficult stuff.
Over Christmas break, we decided to start hanging out more since we were both stuck at home during the holiday and had no one else to hang with. After having a intense discussion about parental issues on our second night of hanging out, he looked into my eyes and told me he could not take it much longer, he wanted to kiss me.
Of course, kissing led to a bit more, but not quite the full Monty.However, this was my first time messing around in any form other than making out. I arrived home just in time for my midnight curfew, dazed and covered in hickeys which I managed to keep hidden from my oblivious parents.
The spark had been lit. We talked all the time over the next week. Intending to surprise him by giving myself to him, I lied to my parents and snuck over to his house Christmas day anxiously anticipating the thrill I sought. Until this point, I had never done anything wrong. My brother was the rebel, and I was always praised by my parents. The thought of his kiss on my lips and his hands caressing my untouched body enticed me into doing what I knew was wrong. I spent about thirty minutes at his house, simply talking to him, when my parents busted me. They strongly disapproved, and promptly dragged me home. Strangely, for the first time in my life, I didn't care that they were angry. I felt like for once I knew what exactly I wanted.
I attempted to break things off with him after my parents gradually took away my car, my phone, and my freedom, clearly expressing their desire for me to forget about him. It worked, and I branched out to date another guy, who I had a relationship with for quite awhile(Call him "T"). Come February, a text message from and oh so familiar number graced the screen of my phone. So we began to talk again as friends. I was anorexic for an extremely long time, thanks to my mother, and struggled consistently with relapsing back into my old habits. After seeing therapists for three years who had only pushed me farther into my state of distress, he was the only person who convince me I was beautiful, and that eating would not make me huge. His phone conversations and texts made me happy for the first time in years. I was smiling again.
Come spring break, I left to go ski in NM, while X was off to snowboard in Alaska. T had figured out he was the guy who I told all of my secrets to, and became slightly jealous, however, he came to see me off on my drive to Taos, reassuring any worry I had with a kiss, covering any envy that could have been suspected. Both boys promised me they would call me over the break, and I left to ski feeling please with the two men in my life who made me happy. Unfortunately, only one talked to me during the break. X called me everyday, we argued about who was seeing better mountains, who was getting better weather, etc. While the week wore on, I became increasingly worried with the fact I hadn't heard from T, but X convinced me not to worry, T was crazy about me and had probably lost his phone or something. I returned home to discover why T had been avoiding me, he had cheated. Dismayed and upset, I was a mess. His prom was the next week, and we had both put much effort into all of the details, from my expensive dress to the limo rental. We decided to save our conversation about the matter for the day after prom and just slap on a smile to pretend like all was perfect until the night was over. In other words, the relationship was indeed over.
X consoled me over many calls that week, our friendship still banned by my strict parents, and when I finally saw the opportunity arise, I yet again snuck over to his house. I could only be away for an hour, so we set off on a walk into the cool night. We talked about everything that night. From first kisses, to crushes, to embarrassing moments, we laughed at the minuet details of our lives. Upon returning to my car, I found myself wishing I could have him any day as he talked about his past. Upon realizing the time, I leaned in to hug him goodbye, but at that moment, our eyes met, and he pulled me in for the greatest kiss I could ever recall. Never have I felt so unrestrained, so enamored with one person, for a mere minute. He proceeded to tell me how badly he wanted to be with me, and he knew I could be the girl for him. Yet again we kissed then pulled away reluctantly, fully intending to make something happen in the next week. The next day, I went to prom, covered my depression with make up, and tried to enjoy the night. Promptly at midnight, as we were driving home, T said he was officially done, he had found a new girl. As upset as I was, I knew something was there between X and I, So we scheduled to hang out the next week.
So then we had wonderful sex.
Not.
We both became distracted after that. He with graduating, me with my running. We talked occasionally, but found we were too busy and gradually grew apart. We both tried dating other people, but it didn't quite cut it for either of us. Once school ended, we began to talk again. A few weeks into summer, I snuck over to his house, and we had another long, friendly talk. This time, as I turned to grab my keys and leave, he practically pounced on me and clouded my brain with the sweet swirls of passion. Late to be home, I pried myself away yet again, but this time, I knew I had to make something more between us.
The next day I returned to his house, and this time we both knew exactly what we wanted. At this point I didn't care if he was my boyfriend, he was the best guy in my life, I knew I could trust him with anything, and my hormones had finally shut out my good judgement.
We had sex.
Afterwards, he rolled off me and whispered into my ear"That was a long seven months, but it was worth it."
I didn't feel anything. A mere ten minutes had left him panting, while I, a runner, was left lying there confused, fully energized, and wondering if I too should be exhausted. That was it? Where was the passion, the craving I had always longed for before?
I still felt a connection to him, as we walked to my car he left me with yet another lingering kiss and a promise to call.
Only this time he never did.
I wanted his reassuring words, his voice calling me baby, telling me I was beautiful, and telling me how bad he wanted me.
I later found out that while he was my first, I was his nineteenth. I was just another lay.
I think the idea of our friendship being lost killed me more than the loss of my virginity, but the fact I never was worth a two cents to him is what really keeps me down to this very day. Everything during that seven months was fake.
We never talked again after that. I spiraled back down into the depths of my anorexia, and haven't quite managed to pull myself out ever since.
I'm hurt. And upset. I hate myself for falling for him. Yet, I cannot hate him because he was my best friend.
But it wasn't worth it. I feel like I'm worth nothing now, and I can't trust anyone.
I will never trust a boy again, because I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
I'm hurt, I can't get over him, and I need advice with how to cope, because the hole thing has taken me back to my old depression.
Please help.
gooberface123 gooberface123
18-21, F
5 Responses Jul 11, 2010

You'd think after hearing about the deception so many guys are capable of, it would stop surprising you, but the truth is, it doesn't, because each time another heart is broken and each time someone else's life is ruined because of selfish ****** that can't think about anything other than their sexual desires.<br />
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but MY venting aside... I can't say I've experienced exactly what you have been through, but I can say I know how it feels to be hurt and betrayed by someone you truly trust. But at the end of the day, you have to remember that YOU are a beautiful woman that deserves SO much more love than he will EVER be able to give you. And I know that it hurts more than you can even imagine right now, and it probably will, for a long time, to be completely honest. But I can promise you there ARE better guys out there. There are guys that would be willing to do anything for your happiness, and you WILL meet one of them one day. It hurts to lose your best friend, but don't lose yourself in the process too... or your life. You deserve better than that. Don't let the actions of a selfish little jerk ruin YOU because you deserve better and you know that. <br />
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You cope by telling yourself that you're stronger than this. Because you ARE. You're here asking for help and that proves it. Talk to people that love you and remind yourself for every one person that doesn't care, there's plenty of people that do. <br />
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If you ever feel like venting or crying or need someone to listen, feel free to message me. I'll be more than happy to help you in any way I possibly can.<br />
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Please stay strong. Don't let him win. You're beautiful... don't let anyone ever make you believe otherwise.

hi. i hope this finds you well. or atleast better. :) there's so much to feel from the letter you wrote. it's an amazing story n thanks so much for sharing it. just want to say you blessed me with this n made me think twice about my actions again.. thanks so much for sharing your experience. i wish i can bring you some comfort but i don't know how either. but if you need somebody to talk to or share with, feel free to email me or something. :) Please take care! N i know you are beautiful cause God said it. live in truth my friend..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEfJpJ1lhQc<br />
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Watch this it might make a difference God bless

I'm so sorry, i know how badly it hurts to loose someone close to you because of sex. I don't have anorexia but bulima which is pretty close.. it does get better, it takes ages and alot of **** happens along the way but i promise you you will get better.

I used to have anorexia too, and have struggled with depression myself, and I too have lost my virginity and fully regretted it. But all I have to say is, one has nothing to do with the other. You should feel beautiful again, their will always be jerks out there whobare willing to completely take advntage of girls just for their own satifaction but don't lose yourself just because X is a ****. Even though I don't know you I've gone through the same things and I pulled through, I know you can Leave your sAdness behind and do it because you're strong, put X in the past where he belongs because it's never too late to start over.