To Live As A Monster Or Die As A Good Man....

I found this website accidentally. I just read about LOSING MY VIRGINITY as their fav book on somebodys facebook profile. The title got me intrigued and I decided to google "Losing my virginity" and somehow i stumbled on to this website. Reading a few confessions by a few people got me introspecting and i decided to register and share my story. I dont know if this is the right group to share my story with. But what I'm going to tell you probably has more to do with over-indulgence in sex and losing my virginity. So please bear with me if these seems lengthy and a little preachy at times. (Excuse my poor grammar and spellings. I'm not a native speaker of the English Language).

A breif history about me. I'm a fairly succesfull individual. At 27 yrs of age. I have a good education and a good job. Extremely loving parents and siblings. Everything about me and around me is very happy. Thanks to my parents I had a lovely childhood. There was no trauma of any sorts. I've lived a fairly normal life, I dont drink or ever did any drugs or anything. My only vice is cigraettes and ofcourse what lead me to this. Sex.

I was a virgin till about 18 yrs of age. I hadn't been with a girl..Not even kissed anyone. But things changed when i entered university. Suddenly I had my freedom. I had the rebel attitude in me. There were plently of good looking girls around who wanted to be with me. And thats when it all started. I started seeign a girl from my class. She was cute and good looking.  And she used to repeadetly invite em over. And we both knew what was going to happen. So there it was I ended up losing my virginity to her which was very awkward and felt weird. I saw her a couple of times more but we didnt have sex after that. And soon I moved on.... Within few months of time..I met an older woman..who was a divorcee with 2 kids... And we hit it off immediately.....I had an apartment to myself and all we ever did was have sex and lots of sex...Thats all our relationship was about. I knew I wudnt be marrying her and she knew dat damn straight as well...We anyways stopped seeing each other after almost a year. Though she did try contacting me later and few yrs back also she did. It was over and done in between us.. After this (embarassingly ) I paid for sex a couple of times and visited some shady places like ***** clubs etc looking for cheap thrills (You can despise me for this..but its better to bare yourself and let ppl know the truth about u, only if I had the courgae to tell real ppl about how I am)...

Nevertheless then i met Andrea. The most beautiful and sensible girl i ever met. I was only 20 then and andrea was 19. I didnt tell her everything about me. But i did tell her I previosuly had sex a couple of times once with an older girl and once with another girl. She accepted it and tried to help me with it. Everything was good between us. Andrea used to stay in a different city. Every break i used to visit her. But we waited for sex. I didnt want to ruin it. But eventually it happened. After 2 yrs in a relationship we had sex. At that time I wasn't sure I was going to marry andrea. And staying in a different city gave me a lot of oppurtunities. I wasnt honest to her..I cheated on her many a times. Without her ever finding out. But I truly lvoed her(i know it sounds pathetic to even say such a thing but I did...and maybe till this day afetr a lot of what happened i still have some feelings for her ) ....  Anyways, we broke up after 5 yrs....So much happened that i cant put it in here,...I cud write a book about the events which lead up to our breaking up and how all of it happened...2 yrs back she told me she was getting married. i begged her to reconsider but she said i didnt love her and she got married to a rich guy with a influtential political family or something.  After andrea went away from my life..I decided to change. I decided not to indulge in any sex. But i ended up having paid sex(ashaming again)....A year passed and then I met Nancy......And from day one with nancy..i decided if i was going to be in a relationship with nancy..I betetr be serious about a committment or rather not get into it. But i was scared to tell nancy all about my life and what had transpired before..I just told her about Andrea and that i wasnt able to marry andrea and she was the love of my life. And i really did miss andrea while i was with nancy. Nancy was undersyanding and she tried for me to get over andrea....I told my parents about nancy and told them this is the girl i want to marry. With a lslight hestitation they agreed.  But things turned out to be bad. nancy's parents didnt approve of me. And nancy found out about andrea and she spoke with her. Andrea told her the truth about me andy my life. And bad karma eventually got to me. She confronted me with it..And i cudnt lie to ehr anymore..So i told her everything about me.....Ofcourse she wudnt want to be with a guy like me...And she walked away from my life.....You know what the irony is....Being with nancy for over a year..I had eventually changed....i didnt have sex with her nor i had sex with anyone else......And I dont think (God willing) I will have sex with anyone else, other than the woman i marry now..

But what kills me is my past...The very regretful and shameful past i have of having sex with mutiple women..How painful it wud be for my wife to know the murky past i have...And i dont think i wud have the courage of telling the women i marry what i have had done in the past....I have changed for good and relaized that the weakness for flesh leads u to sin and eventually ur downfall. I relaized it pretty late and after al ot of trauma with losing the love of my life to my sins.Sorry if this sounds all preachy..But i had to let it out to atleast feel a little betetr about my ugly self. And the only way i could to it was on this anonymous little group......  Whever my friends boast about their sexual exploits and how their affluent business trips lead them to escorts etc..I cringe within and think how all of it ends in misery and regrets. I do advice them not to have forbidden sex. But then I'm always laughed away becuase of my past. Its like the sotry of the boy who cried wolf. When it was real nobody believed him.  I do have my temptations, but i suppress them. Supress my lust becuase i dont want to walk on that very twisted path again. I regret losing my virginity, i regret doing what i did, I wish i had patience and waited...waited for my wife and had sex for the first time with my wife..Inspite of how sissy or girly it sounds, after a lot of bad experiences..that is the truth of my life. I regret doing all of those things....Sex is truly only beautiful if it is done with the person who will be your forever..the one you are married to.

- Anonymous Drifter( I dont have the courage to put my name or any details about me here)  I
anonymousdrifter anonymousdrifter
26-30, M
Jul 16, 2010