We Promised Each Other Forever. I Was The Only One Who Kept The Promise.

I've always believed that everyone has a soul mate, or a true love. I also know in my heart there is only ONE "the one". People marrying more than once doesn't make sense to me.

I started dating this guy in my sophomore year to get over someone else I really liked. However the relationship took both of us completely by surprise and we ended up liking each other a lot more than we thought we would. We fell deeply in love. And for a time it was perfect. We thought we found our other halves.

After a long time, dating, and moving forward physically, I lost my virginity to him. I made it clear that since I was abstinent, I did not want to do anything like that until he knew for sure he wanted to spend his life with me. I didn't want to be his first mistake.
He asked me to marry him soon after losing our virginity. We bought promise rings and he planned for us to get a new set on the same day every year until he had enough to get 'the real thing'.
We started talking about living together after college.

I really thought maybe I'd found the one who'd love me wholly for who I am, maybe it would last this time.

Things were perfect for a good year.
Then it started to fall apart.

We fought sometimes and I became more jealous and cautious of his other female friends, considering all his best friends are girls, most of them being ex girlfriends. He broke up with me at about the year and a half point.

We got back together on and off for the next couple weeks, thinking we could fix everything.
We broke up for good a couple months ago.
I did it because he didn't listen to me anymore, wouldn't talk about anything, he ran away from all the problems. I thought the thought of losing me might make him change his mind.
I found out afterward he was planning on breaking up for good the same day.
I should have known. I couldn't see the love in his eyes anymore.

He still wanted to be friends. We all hate that, right?
So we stayed friends. However every time I wanted to lean on him or something similar, it was always rejection.
One day he finally put his arm around me and we started to kiss again.
Slowly we became friends with benefits.. it felt wrong but right at the same time.
I thought it would put the spark back, or something along those lines.
We still loved each other but through all of this he would not hear of working things out.
"I want to, but..."

Then a month went by we succeeded in hanging out as just friends.
However sometimes he forgot we were broken up, as did I, and we'd share a kiss.
We turned back into cuddle buddies again. We still said I love you / I love you too every night.
After being broken up for awhile, we had made a lot of progress, I fixed a lot, as did he.
We sleptover at our friends house, and ended up sleeping in the same bed.
He held me and told me he loved me. Kissed me goodnight and eventually we ended up touching a lot.
In the morning he looked so happy to wake up next to me. He asked if we could do something for old times sake,
and we laid with each other clothesless. Not doing anything, just being together.

I thought 'this is it. We're really making a turn around.'
I planned to by a second ring for him, and ask him back out in a month on what would have been our 2 year anniversary.

I had been dieting to get skinnier for him, getting toned again, and when we hung out he definitely noticed, adoring my body.
Us and our group of friends went to the beach last week, suddenly he paid no attention to me. He said I just looked 'fine.'
He would walk away if I stood near him. Wouldn't touch me anymore.
When we were alone we exchanged I love yous. And when we left he kissed my cheek and said he'd call me that night.

I talked to my other friend about how I thought he liked one of our mutual girl friends, and I thought she liked him back.
My friend said, "Well, duh, they couldn't stop sucking face at the concert."

He'd had a fling with this girl for a month, and told me nothing.
All the romantic moments we shared could have meant nothing now.
I wasn't going to get him back.
I asked him about it, and he denied everything. I called this other girl, and she told me the truth.

Me and him decided not to be friends anymore. At least not to hang out.
I feel like I can't trust my best friend.
And now I feel filthy..for kissing him when he was kissing someone else.
He was my first and last kiss.
I was probably his 6th, and definately not his last now.

I haven't been able to eat.
I still think he's the one, despite everything,
And he promised me that in the future he wants us to try again, he wants to fix things someday,
but we both know we just can't work right now.

But I'm terrified.
I think he might have sex with this girl and if that happens it will be like every moment I spent with him that way will mean nothing.
I don't know if I'd be able to take him back.
I see them together in my head and it tears me apart. How could he move on so quickly?
We promised each other forever, and so far I'm the only one keeping the promise.
Thinking of being with other people makes me feel sick, it still feels like cheating because my heart is committed.

I wish I'd waited.
I don't regret losing my virginity to -him-, but I wish I hadn't lost my virginity.

I don't know what to do.

EDIT (Tues, Dec 7th 2010): After weeks of therapy I found the strength to stop talking to this man, I tried to cut him out of my life completely. It was when I did this he realized all his mistakes. He never loved this new girl, he was trying to get over me with a rebound. 
He is fully intent on marrying me this time, and has tried so hard to get me to trust him again.
I'm not sure if I'll ever love him the same way I used to, but this is a wonderful turn around.

However, yes, I still regret losing my V-card, as he kissed someone else after me.
It ruined a lot of things for me: family life, social status, emotional stamina, and morale.
But we're together at least.
TreeHead TreeHead
18-21, F
Aug 12, 2010