Can't Believe How Much I Screwed Up

I met the love of my life when I was 16 and although it was complicated from the start, he was different from the rest and I never wanted to give up. We were together about a year and a half, and I decided that the fighting and arguing was too draining and I couldnt do it anymore. I broke up with him at the beginning of the summer, and decided because I had no more fighting or drama, that this was the best for me. I stayed single most of the summer because I didnt want anyone else and honestly I felt this empty feeling and I wasnt myself. I made some terrible choices that i regret to this day.

I started talking to this guy I met a while back and had no feelings whatsoever for him, but because my ex was talking about other girls and saying he didnt care/miss me, I started getting close to someone else to fill the gap in my heart. I got extremely drunk one night, and decided to stay at the guys house instead of going back home... biggest mistake of my life. We had sex, even though i was so out of it i couldnt even walk. He wasnt a virgin, and i did say that i didnt want to... but it happened anyways. I broke up with him soon after, and realized that my ex was the only one I was going to love. And eventually we got back together, because he told me he never stopped loving me.

He knows everything, and I know it hurts and bothers him, but I think about my mistake over and over again, and I cant forgive myself. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I could have had him being my one and only. We would have had all our firsts together, and now I ruined it. I really wish I could go back in time and change that night, I wish I would have left with my friends and not stayed the night. I don't drink anymore, just because I made the worst mistake of my life. Its my biggest regret and i have no idea how to get over it. My boyfriend now loves me more than anything and i feel the same way. I was his first, and i hate that we couldnt share that together. I would do ANYTHING to take back my mistake.
afrojuice afrojuice
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 26, 2010

Quit sleeping around. If you lose this guy you will only increase the regret. Think past the end of your nose.

sorry its taken so long, but thank you everyone. we worked through it together, but not a day goes by that i wish i could take it all back.

It sounds like you are really hard on yourself in this relationship.. Once again, you remind me of myself... I made a huge mistake and he had sex with someone in the year while we broken up.. I know he was free to do whatever he chose, but I knew that I had made the mistake and that it could have been me instead of her.. They never loved each other and it kills me to know that it could have been me instead.. But you need to accept your mistakes, no matter how hard it may be.

Nobody expects you to be perfect. You are not perfect and your boyfriend is not perfect and your relationship is, therefore, going to be imperfect. He is going to make terrible mistakes also, and when he does, he is going to need you to forgive him, just like he is forgiving you now. What is done is done. Remember, the question is not "Are you perfect for each other?" Nobody is perfect for each other. The question is "Can your relationship survive?" It can only survive if you forgive yourself.