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Sexual Abuse And Virginity

When you've been sexually abused by a trusted person, the victim typically has one of two reactions; either they become non-sexual or they become promiscuous. I was never 'promiscuous', I was with more men than I wish I had been with though. It was for a good cause though. I was searching for my husband. I didn't know that at 30 I'd finally win the lottery of men LOL!

At 18 I had the 'stunning revelation' that if I wasn't a virgin that somehow the man I did love would have less power over me. That's how afraid I was of men. I couldn't trust my father, so it was natural for me to think I wouldn't be able to trust any other man either. I belonged to a group called 'rainbow', you can tell by the name, it was just a bunch of old hippies and wanna be hippies LOL! One of the members was this 34 year old man. And he started taking me to the movies and other things. Once we were walking in the snow on this high mountain trail. He was 6'4" and was 5'7". We started talking about how fond we were of eachother and he held my hand ahhh. Then I pounced on him LOL, can you believe it? I never had a real boyfriend before him, and was still a virgin, yet had no problems throwing myself in his arms and taking it to the next level. I was so brave. Plus, I was a woman on a mission, I wanted to lose my virginity.

I really wish I would have had a good girlfriend at the time. We could have sat down and really talked about the fear that was driving force behind my mission. Maybe I would have decided that fear shouldn't be the driving force behind an important decision to lose my virginity. I suppose the other driving force was my unbridled courage and curiosity too. I was really curious about this 'sex' stuff and why it seemed like such a motivator in peoples lives. I guess when I have an assortment of motivations then I am more likely to act.

Having sex and enjoying sex, I wanted it in my life. That means all through my 20's it was an appetite. I have never been on any illegal mind or mood altering substances... I can be compulsive about food though and I know how difficult it is to 'cut back' once you get a taste. Once you lose your virginity the next natural question is 'when will I have sex again'. And a person becomes conditioned to it. 

All through my 20's while I was trying to find the 'one'. The man that would eventually become my husband was trying to find the 'one' too. He is more low-key than I am, so for him it was just an occasional walk to the park, compared to my expeditions into ruthless tundras of harsh maleness. He seldom had sex with the women he would date. And after a few truly nasty men, I decided not to have sex until I found someone steady that I loved. At thirty, I found the man that I will happily be a mate to for the rest of my life, my husband, *****.  My husband doesn't like that I had sex before I married him.

Under the conditions, I can say that I made some very good decisions, generally speaking. Many victims of childhood sexual abuse have terrible lives compared to mine, it maybe overgeneral yet in my opinion; most of them end up on drugs, in prostitution, in domestic violence situations, or dead. First, I had a deep and enduring innate drive towards self improvement-it's been with me all of my life. Second, I had some help that many victims did not get, this helped me to become a survivor in charge of myself and directing my goals. Both of these are important to healthy self-esteem, and a sense of identity- two things that victims need to recover and become survivors.

I regret, giving away my virginity to a certain degree. I wish that I could have given it to my husband. Losing my virginity was a scary experience and should have been a sacred experience. The guy I gave my virginity to was shallow and didn't really appreciate me or the gift I gave him. If I had come to a consensus of heart and mind before I acted I might have made a better choice. There were so few pay offs for such a big loss. My pay off was that I satisfied my curiousity. My losses were; heartbreak, danger, abuse, disease and drama. The number one loss- wasting a very sacred gift, I wish I wish I could have given it to my husband. Things that can never be changed. In my opinion, the costs did not outweigh the benefits. Honestly, it is PAINFUL for a female to lose her virginity, it's better to taken by a man that loves you, and is more likely to be sympathetic. I mean imagine acupuncture on your genitals- yes, that painful.

akasolia akasolia 41-45, F 5 Responses Mar 30, 2011

Your Response


why does your husband care whether or not you were a virgin when he married you? he should care whether or not you both love each other, not about your past. <br />
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& your virginity isn't a "gift" - it's not a commodity, & neither is your body.

Hi BBlonde, Thanks for your comment. I would love to see the statistics that you are pointing out, in black and white with sources please. As you made a claim with NO EVIDENCE I will continue to be of the opinion that Generally speaking people who are molested by their fathers ( and others) have lives where "drugs...prostitution....domestic violence...or death" play roles.<br />
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Before you attack my opinion please make sure to pay attention to all of what I say, even words like "Generally". You accused me of saying something I did not say, and I do not appriciate it.

Interesting story--you are not a typical person. Interesting how you felt that if you were not a virgin, men would have less power over you. Women see this kind of thing many ways.<br />
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One small quibble, a mistake that a lot of people make, your comment that "....victims of childhood sexual abuse...have terrible lives....end up on drugs...prostitution....domestic violence...or dead."<br />
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Actually, that is not true. MOST people who have had abusive childhood's, sexual abuse or otherwise, end up leading reasonable lives. But when statistics are examined, it is clear that those who have suffered abuse in their childhood are statistically more likely to wind up having various problems than those who have not been abused. Abuse is NOT a guarantee of a miserable life. MOST people who are abused survive it surprisingly well and go on to lead decent, non-criminal lives. I get my statistics from various textbooks I read while acquiring my degree in Criminal Justice.<br />
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Because of the widespread belief that those who are abused in childhood will inevitably grow up to be troubled people and/or criminals, lots of kids who have had a rough time at home come to believe that they have a free ticket to misbehave or get into trouble. And many people who feel sad as adults remembering an unhappy childhood believe they will never get over it and so they don't even try to fight their depressive feelings. The belief that children who are abused are going to grow up to be trouble also creates a great deal of prejudice toward children who live, or who have lived, in bad situations. When I was a kid, lots of parents in my neighborhood would not allow their children to play with me because my parents were divorced and, at that time (the mid 1950s), all the magazine articles said that children who came from "broken homes" would grow up to become juvenile delinquents. I did not grow up to be a criminal but it would have been easier to do if I had not run into so much prejudice.<br />
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Sorry to be so nitpicking, but the belief that abused children lack all resilience is just not true and should not be believed. The ones who need our help lack this resilience and that is a real social problem--but it's good to know that most people can survive quite a bit without becoming a detriment to their society.

Bellabloo, Thanks for reading and commenting on my experience! Sorry, about your husband being so dense about something so important. Re: Rainbow...

I'd like to hear more about the group called Rainbow and where does this take place? I can understand about your curiousity. I waited until I married and i'm not so sure he appreciated it all that much anyway. He waited a long time lol. I'm happy to see that you have overcome the sexual abuse and have found your soulmate!!