Sexual Abuse And VirginityWhen you've been sexually abused by a trusted person, the victim typically has one of two reactions; either they become non-sexual or they become promiscuous. I was never 'promiscuous', I was with more men than I wish I had been with though. It was for a good cause though. I was searching for my husband. I didn't know that at 30 I'd finally win the lottery of men LOL!
At 18 I had the 'stunning revelation' that if I wasn't a virgin that somehow the man I did love would have less power over me. That's how afraid I was of men. I couldn't trust my father, so it was natural for me to think I wouldn't be able to trust any other man either. I belonged to a group called 'rainbow', you can tell by the name, it was just a bunch of old hippies and wanna be hippies LOL! One of the members was this 34 year old man. And he started taking me to the movies and other things. Once we were walking in the snow on this high mountain trail. He was 6'4" and was 5'7". We started talking about how fond we were of eachother and he held my hand ahhh. Then I pounced on him LOL, can you believe it? I never had a real boyfriend before him, and was still a virgin, yet had no problems throwing myself in his arms and taking it to the next level. I was so brave. Plus, I was a woman on a mission, I wanted to lose my virginity.
I really wish I would have had a good girlfriend at the time. We could have sat down and really talked about the fear that was driving force behind my mission. Maybe I would have decided that fear shouldn't be the driving force behind an important decision to lose my virginity. I suppose the other driving force was my unbridled courage and curiosity too. I was really curious about this 'sex' stuff and why it seemed like such a motivator in peoples lives. I guess when I have an assortment of motivations then I am more likely to act.
Having sex and enjoying sex, I wanted it in my life. That means all through my 20's it was an appetite. I have never been on any illegal mind or mood altering substances... I can be compulsive about food though and I know how difficult it is to 'cut back' once you get a taste. Once you lose your virginity the next natural question is 'when will I have sex again'. And a person becomes conditioned to it.
All through my 20's while I was trying to find the 'one'. The man that would eventually become my husband was trying to find the 'one' too. He is more low-key than I am, so for him it was just an occasional walk to the park, compared to my expeditions into ruthless tundras of harsh maleness. He seldom had sex with the women he would date. And after a few truly nasty men, I decided not to have sex until I found someone steady that I loved. At thirty, I found the man that I will happily be a mate to for the rest of my life, my husband, *****. My husband doesn't like that I had sex before I married him.
Under the conditions, I can say that I made some very good decisions, generally speaking. Many victims of childhood sexual abuse have terrible lives compared to mine, it maybe overgeneral yet in my opinion; most of them end up on drugs, in prostitution, in domestic violence situations, or dead. First, I had a deep and enduring innate drive towards self improvement-it's been with me all of my life. Second, I had some help that many victims did not get, this helped me to become a survivor in charge of myself and directing my goals. Both of these are important to healthy self-esteem, and a sense of identity- two things that victims need to recover and become survivors.
I regret, giving away my virginity to a certain degree. I wish that I could have given it to my husband. Losing my virginity was a scary experience and should have been a sacred experience. The guy I gave my virginity to was shallow and didn't really appreciate me or the gift I gave him. If I had come to a consensus of heart and mind before I acted I might have made a better choice. There were so few pay offs for such a big loss. My pay off was that I satisfied my curiousity. My losses were; heartbreak, danger, abuse, disease and drama. The number one loss- wasting a very sacred gift, I wish I wish I could have given it to my husband. Things that can never be changed. In my opinion, the costs did not outweigh the benefits. Honestly, it is PAINFUL for a female to lose her virginity, it's better to taken by a man that loves you, and is more likely to be sympathetic. I mean imagine acupuncture on your genitals- yes, that painful.