I Was Young, In Love, And Naïve…~~
I had just started my senior year of high school. Throughout high school, I was not really sexual. In fact, I had only had a crush on one boy. We dated for a while, but he was just as nervous and inexperienced as I was in the dating area. I had done some heavy petting with a few guys, but that was about it. And, I wanted to wait till I was married or engaged to have sex. Well as my senior year started, I noticed a really cute boy at lunch who was rumored to be a new transfer student in the 10th grade. (But he failed 9th grade ..so he was really just a little younger than me) He was physically cute. He had beautiful dirty blonde hair what had a slight wave to it, baby blue eyes (I still love baby blues), and a prefect body. But, the thing that stood out the most was his personality. He was a quite bad boy type. He seemed so misunderstood and different. I just had to get to know him. I approached him, but he blew me off without even looking up to see who I was. Well, I kind of let it dropped. I thought he might wanted to be alone. Well about a month later, I see this same guy walking with a neighbor boy from down the street. They must have been friends...I did not think he had any friends. I walked outside and with out hesitation yelled…”hey Josh who is that?” He stopped and his nameless friend followed suit. I ran up to met them. Josh introduced me to ..Danny….he did not look like a Danny…I then told Danny about his rude behavior at school. Danny looked at his feet and apologized saying that he was being picked on that day, and that he just wanted to be alone. I told him that it “was cool.” ..I then asked if I could walk with them. I could tell that Danny was uncomfortable, but I went anyways. That next Monday I saw him alone at lunch. I left my group and calmly sat down next to him. I did not say a word. After about 3 mins, he said “whats up.” ..I could not believe it…he talked to me!!!!…I was on cloud nine that whole day. I then started sitting with him everyday at lunch. At first there was no conversations, but we started talking, and I found that we had a lot in common. SO, much in fact that it as scary. He loved all the weird underground music and movies that I loved. I had never had so much in common with a guy before. As we got closer, he use to spend the night with Josh just so he could sneak out and meet me. I would sneak out also with a blanket. And, we would sit in the porch swing and just talk. Well, it was not long before we were dating. And just a month or so, we were getting pretty hot and heavy. He was a virgin also. And, it was him that stared asking for sex. I would always turn him down. Then it got to the put where he was begging for it. I wanted to , but I was not mentally ready. Well one night on the porch swing, he asked me to marry him. I could not believe it. I we had been dating for about 4 months. I told him I would ..and gushed and all of that….but, I would have to wait till I was done with school. I was young, in love, and had my head in the clouds. And it was now half way through my senior year. And, we were getting to the point were the petting involved to oral sex and hand jobs. His pleas for sex grew, I wanted to ..but, I did not want to. I loved him, but that was a big step. Well one night, we were fooling around and out of the blue (even to myself) I told him that I wanted him to take my virginity, and that I was ready. I don’t know what prompted me to tell him this. It could of been hormones, the full moon, or way he kissed me. He took the blanket and laid it in the cool grass. It was December and the night was cold and crisp. He held me and asked it I was sure.?? .I told him yes…..He laid me down on the soft cotton blanket in the midnight dew. He kissed me with a passion that I could now see was full of fear and excitement. I could tell that he was too nervous to make the first move ..so I slowly raised up with him still kissing me. I slip off my tee shirt and unhooked my own bra. .Then I lowered myself , but he stayed sitting up looking at me…it was a deep stare as if I was some fragile ornament that he wanted to touch, but was afraid to break. He asked me again if I was sure…?...I quickly told him yes with out thinking. I just wanted to go through with it before I changed my mind. He then took off his paints and boxers but left his shirt on. While he was doing this, I half way watched while pulling down my pj bottoms. I had seen him naked before, but this was the first time that he ever seen me completely naked. He looked long and hard at me in the moon light. Like he was trying to remember every part of me…I felt a little embarrassed and told him I was getting cold. He kissed me and told me he loved me He then asked me one last time if I was sure….and I told him yes ..only half way believing it myself. I was excited, but I was more scared then anything. I was worried that it would hurt…wondered if I would be any different.?….would this change things between us..? But part of me wanted him, I wanted to feel what it would be like to be one with him. My first love and the man I thought I was going to marry. He announced that he was ready. So, I took my hand and placed in on his penis. It was warm and familiar, and it felt huge in my hand. I wondered about how it would feel inside of me. .I slowly moved it into position and told him I was ready. He paused oh so slightly , and then slowly guided his penis inside of me. At first it was awkward. It did not hurt, but it did feel weird. Then he started to slowly push himself in deeper…he was scared of hurting me. And as he got deeper inside of me, the uncomfortable feeling got worse and it stared to hurt. . I felt full and warm. He asked in the sweetest voice if it hurts. I answered no…(I lied) .He then stared to hump me….moving in and out. Now that really hurt. But, I did not let it show. But it only took like 3 times until he had to pull out to ***. He asked if I was ok….I told him yes. He laid beside me and wrapped his arms around me…and kissed my cheek…I got up felling a rush of emotions…..I looked at the blanket and in the moonlight I could see the blood that proved I was now no longer pure….and I cried. ….I cried for days. Danny tried to make me feel better, and he held me while I cried. I loved Danny, but I regretted it. I don’t know why….maybe it is just me mourning my own lose of innocence. But Danny and I did not last, and now he is a homeless, druggie, drunk with HIV and herpes….To think I gave him my most special gift really upsets me….But, we were together for a little over 2 years...and I did love him…And we did have some great memories. I just wish I would of waited….but at least I loved him….