My Virginity Story - About How I Kept It And Lost It

When I was 16, I went to church every Sunday. On April that year, I participated a youth course about "No sex before marriage". I made a virginity pledge, a promises that young people make to remain abstinent until marriage. It says that I will be sexually abstinent from that day onwards until I enter a lifelong committed, monogamous marriage. It's like making a promise between God and I. I, myself actually made promise with myself that I won't do sex or even any sexual activities before marriage cause I want the night that I will be married to be special. Like giving my husband my first sex and let both of us feel special for each other.

About a year after I made my pledge, things somehow changed, I became lazier. I stopped going to church as I was really lazy to wake up early in the morning to go to church.

I started to have boyfriend when I was 15. Things were normal when I was still 15-16. My first kiss was when I was 15. It's just a normal kiss with my 2nd boyfriend. I mean like just a lips touching type of kiss. Not movement or anything. And by the way, he was kind of my first love. Then I started to make out with my 3rd boyfriend. It was when I was sixteen years old. Things were normal still. I liked the kissing part, but I wasn't turned on that time.

The first time when I got turned on was when I was in a relationship with my 6th boyfriend. I was 17 and he was actually the 2nd guy that I could be serious with. We started to make out only when we'd been together for bout four months plus. I was turned on that time. We were kissing and I felt his hard thing pressing my genital area. Then we started to kiss on a chair. I sat on his lap and was rubbing each other with our *YOUKNOW*. For your information, we were wearing pants. After we're done, we got back home. Few days later, we somehow jumped into a horny topic. And the next time when we kissed, we got really turned on and we started doing some sexual activities like boobs touching, V-licking, mutual-M and oral. We did that like few times when we're still dating each other, but never did went into sex.

After we broke up. I never had sexual activities with my 7th boyfriend, until I met my 8th boyfriend when I was 18, but not officially 18. We started to french kiss when we were together for a month. He came to my house, and that was the first time we make out. I knew I was turned on when my P was really wet. But nothing beyond-ordinary happened on that day. He didn't dare to touch my boobs. One day, we were talking bout HOT topic, I asked him if he was turned on that time and he said yes. I asked why didn't he touch my breast. He said he wanted to but he doubted cause he was scared that I would be mad at him. I confessed to him about what happened between my 6th bf and I, he actually felt upset. One day, I went to his house. We started to make out. I got turned on and rubbed my V with his P. Then I touched his P with his pants on, and slowly went into his underwear and touched his hard P. We did everything that I did with my 6th boyfriend for few times, except for the V-licking part. I was ashamed to show him my V. Cause it's a little bit black, and I hate it! After I got into college at the other state of this country, we broke up.

I was single for 3 months when I moved out from my origin state. Then I met my 9th boyfriend. We started to make out when we were together for only 10 days. Things happened faster compared to my 6th boyfriend. We did sexual activities exactly on that day we first make out. It happened when I dared him to touch my breast. After that, we went in to my room and did few sexual activities, like fingering and boobs touching. I liked it when he fingered me. It was really awesome. We did it for few times since that day. The first time I did oral to him was when we together for one month and almost two weeks. I offered him. It was his first time. He said I was really good HAHA, don't know if I should feel proud bout that or what. After that, I told him that I won't do any sexual activities with him anymore cause I don't to make more sins for myself. I know Oral sex and M are basically sins as God invented sex for only P and V, not for hand or even mouth. And I told him we can't also have sex cause I don't want to have sex before marriage. I made promise with God and even did a pledge for myself.

2 hours ago, I failed. We did sexual activities again. I hesitated but I eventually did it again, because I knew I can't do what I said, I wont't be able to resist the temptation cause I'm those type that have really high sexual desires. So I decided to stop slowly and did those activities. Never knew that he made me so high that I offered him sex. I said I think I'm ready. I thought in my mind earlier that I'm going to marry this guy. I also thought that since I'm having my period, I'm not going to be pregnant anyway. So, we did it. But not for a long time. It was like only for 30 seconds, and stopped, and a min, etc etc then stopped for real. Why? We're totally beginner in having sex. We had difficulties in inserting his P into my V, had difficulties in positions, had difficulties in movement, etc. So we decided to do mutual M and oral instead of having sex. I feel that I'm a failure. I mean I watch P0RN like almost everyday and yet I don't even know to have sex. HAHAHA. It's sort of funny actually.

I regretted giving him my virginity actually. I thought it would be much more fun to have sex than fingering. But since we're still beginners, no, I preferred fingering than sex. I really regretted it. It was really a stupid mistake. Now I can't be proud to tell people that I'm a virgin anymore. Of course I won't tell people bout losing my virginity. It's just that I can't tell people that I'm virgin without lying anymore. Being a virgin in my country is sort of normal. It's not that they think about God, but people here are really close-minded. I'm quite unhappy with myself. When I looked at my pledge card, I didn't know what to do with it. I thought in my mind, should I keep it or not? Since I'm not a virgin anymore. But I didn't want to throw it away. It hurts actually. I also felt sorry to God. I broke the promises between us. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know God is disappointed with me too. The only thing that I can do now is to marry my current boyfriend for real. Not for now of course, maybe few years later, until my parents gave me freedom in relationship. They don't even allow me to have a boyfriend now. Gee. I chose him to be my future spouse as I gave him my first. I don't want to get marry to other person letting whoever-that-other-person-is know that he is not my first. That surely will be hurtful, isn't it? So I decided to be married with this boyfriend of mine. But I'm a lil bit scared, how if I stop loving him few months later? I know he can be a really committed boyfriend or even husband. He is the only person in the world that truly understands me. I have confidence on him, but not on myself. I don't want to make a wrong decision. But if it's for my own good, I will try to love him for a long time until we can be married Since I really love him for now. I have to believe myself. I can do it! Good luck to myself!

This decision that I've made, it's for my own good anyway, I don't want to give my first if I'm not committed. But since I gave it, the only way to have him in my future. I promise to myself that whatever obstacles that will occur between us, I will try to fix everything, until the day I got married with him. I've made a decision to be fully committed in this relationship, without affection my studies of course.

What do you guys think? Is it normal to make such decision? Is it correct to make this decision? Yes or no, and why? Comment please
unhappygirl99 unhappygirl99
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

Your marriage to this boy who u think u gave your virginity to , is dependent on him also . Is he committed to u ? If u had half a second insertion of his p in your v , u might not have lost your virginity if you were very uptight till then ! Did u bleed ? Did your sheet tear ? He might not have entered too much ! Your virginity is probably intact ! Get yourself checked up ! U may not need to feel guilty at all !
In case u have lost it and u get a medical confirmation , then seek Almighty God's forgiveness and then approach the man u want to marry and get married without further waiting because u r a human being . U will get sexual urges every now and then . There is no guarantee that u wil not have intercourse again in one of your weak moments . Marriage is a guard against such sins . U will not need to regret again . And then with your husband indulge yourself in all your fantasies . God Bless

Yes, he is committed to me. He's the type that can loves someone whole heartedly. I'm more concern of myself instead of him.
I thought virginity is assumed gone when sexual intercourse happened? I made a research on virginity. Hymen don't represent people's virginity cause some people like athletes might even break their hymen by swimming or any other activities that they normally do.
I have to wait. If I get married this early, I will have to face two problems.
1. My parents. They will definitely get mad at me. They don't even want me to be in a relationship at this age, what more getting married?
2. Community. I'm afraid of what people will judge about me. Plus I'm now in college.
I think all I can do now is wait for the time to come.
Thanks for your comment anyway. :)