My Instincts Told Me No, But I Didn't Run.

I lost my virginity the worst way i could possibly imagine.
It was not very long ago, so I am still struggling to get on with every day of my life because i can't respect myself as i used to.
My two best friends had just lost their virginity this summer at a festival we were at, but none of them regretted it. At that time i didn't understand how they could just give it away to boys that we knew, but they weren't in a relationship with. They both did it drunk, and i didn't understand it at all.
But i guess i accepted it, and thats why i also felt pressured to let it happen to myself.
For me it happened recently at a party. For a long time i have been a party of the partying scene. Everyone knows that i like to have fun and i have a big network of people that also like to do that, but i guess i have now realized that i am not an adult yet. Even though i drink, and have experienced with drugs, that doesn't make me an adult, because i defiantly wasn't ready to have sex.
It happened when i was really drunk, in the bushes in some random garden. I dont remember who threw the party. I dont remember how i got there. I dont remember his face or his name. And i have found out that all he told me about him was a lie. I met him and 20 min after, we were in the bushes.
I can't possibly take myself seriously anymore. I have no respect for myself, and i am still struggling to just wake up and go to school. It has really made me depressed.

All i want to say is if you are a girl who parties too hard, STOP IT! It will end badly! I always told myself that i have instincts and i will stop it from happening, but i didn't. It was everything i am against. It wasn't romantic and i didn't enjoy it. I was really hesitant before it happening but the boy kind of just forced it. I could have ran away but i was too drunk. I kind of feel like i was raped, even though i kind of wasn't.
The worst thing is that the boy really enjoyed it. I was almost crying when it happened because i knew it was wrong. I dont remember much of the whole situation because i was drunk and it was completely dark, but i remember how i felt and i remember the discussion that was going on in my head afterwards.

I dont understand why i didn't run.
So i just want to say,
If this ever happens to you, run before you get too far. You will defiantly regret it all afterwards, it is a horrible way to loose it.
lulugj lulugj
3 Responses Sep 17, 2012

That wouldn't happen if unhearted men didn't take advantage of helpless drunk girls

The Guy took advantage of you. If you weren't sober enough to be sure, then you weren't sober enough to consent. I'm sorry you experienced your loss of virginity like that. But it is no reason to berate yourself. The guy was a douche, he shouldn't have tried to **** a drunk girl. The world is full of selfish people. Still, as time goes on you'll understand that that doesn't have to be your only memory/experience with sex. You can have sober sex with partners who care about your feelings, your enjoyment and you.

I understand that right now it might be hard for you, but if you can let it Go. Learn from the experience in what ever way you can. And know that no matter what you can always be a great wonderful person you want to be. Your virgin status is not what defines you, YOU are what defines you.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for that response. I haven't thought about it that way. That it was the guy who took advantage of me. I guess I feel responsible for it. I guess with time i will move on and accept myself again.

Think twice next time, you'll be good.