In The Back Of His Car...

I'm 18 years old and a freshman in college. Four months ago, I lost my virginity to a guy I wasn't in love with, who wasn't in love with me, and only wanted sex from the beginning. It still bothers me. We started out strickly as friends. He was a new student to my high school my senior year. It was a private, Christian high school, by the way. He was a football player with an outgoing personality; everyone loved him. One day, he started talking to me because he could tell I was having a bad day. I gave him my phone number that day and he called me that night. We talked briefly but not that much. That's when it all began.
One morning, randomly, around 2 o'clock on a weekend, he texted me and asked if I was a virgin. I never had a guy ask me that so I reluctantly answered, "Yes." After that, he began bringing up more inappropriate topics. It made me a little uncomfortable. During the next few weeks, we began to talk more and more each day, getting to know each other. Then one day, he asked if my parents ever looked at my phone. I told him no and he immediately asked me to send a picture of myself to him. I refused and he kept asking, up until we had sex. Our senior trip to Six Flags is when my series of mistakes began. Before the trip, I told him I would do something with him at Six Flags, just to get him to leave me alone that night. The whole day we went to Six Flags, I barely saw him. We hung around different people. I thought I was off the hook. We were there all day and by the time we were heading back to our school, it was nighttime. I was toward the front of the bus, laying down, trying to go to sleep when he woke me up and asked me if I wanted to play Truth or Dare. I said sure. I didn't see any harm in it. I went to the back of the bus, where all the guys were and a few girls, and I immediately began to feel an uneasiness creep through my body. He dared me to kiss another guy and I refused. After that, we sat on the seat and started texting because we didn't want people to know what we were talking about. We started talking about what we were going to do and eventually, he brought me to the front of the bus. I knew something bad was about to happen. Before I knew it, his pants were unzipped, and I was giving my first *******. I didn't know what was going on. I had never seen a male's genitals before. He wanted to have oral sex on the bus but I said no because there were too many people around. I told him I would when we were alone. I never expected that an opportunity would come up and I figured I would be off the hook for awhile. I was wrong.
An opportunity came up the week of an important Track & Field meet. During 7th period, we both had to take a math test that we were going to miss that week. By pure chance, we finished at the same time and we walked to our lockers together (they were very close to each other). After we put our books in our locker, we stood around for a minute. He asked me what I was about to do and I said nothing. I asked him the same thing and he said he had to go to his car for something. Since I had nothing to do, I told him I'd come with him. That was dumb. He put something in his car and began to clean it out. I went over to the passenger's side and started organizing some of his things. Then, he closed the door and told me to do the same. Then, he simply asked, "What do you want to do?" I shrugged and didn't know how to answer. He brought up the fact that I said I would do something, so I felt like I had to. He unzipped his pants and was exposed. It took me awhile to get used to the idea of oral sex but I finally just did it. It was weird and it hurt the back of my throat but he said I did a good job. I felt a little guilty but I didn't want to lose his attention. I did it one more time after that.
Then, the day came when I lost something I will never get back. By the time final's week came, the thought of having sex with him never even crossed my mind. I figured we were about to graduate and there would be no opportunities for me to make anymore mistakes. I was a little relieved. He texted me before my final began and told me to meet him in the parking lot. After some mis-communication, we were both in the back of his dad's Suburban. It was unlocked. It felt like hours waiting for him to come (I was in the vehicle first). I should've just ran out when I had the chance. I was so nervous and he could tell. He just told me to relax and immediately began taking off his pants. I began to do the same. He put a condom on and that's when things became real. I layed back on the warm seat and he was inside me. I can't even begin to describe the pain I felt. I told him it hurt and said wait but he said it was supposed to hurt. Once he was fully inside, it didn't hurt as much but it didn't feel good either. I was just waiting for it to be over. Once it was over, we got dressed, managed to escape our principal seeing us in the parking lot, and went inside like nothing ever happen. I didn't feel too bad at first because I thought that it was something everyone did. I went home and saw all the blood and it really became real. I immediately called my best friend and she came over. I told her and she was very upset.
We agreed to keep it a secret but I couldn't hide it. I began to feel worse and worse each day and I couldn't even enjoy my graduation. I told my parents about 3 weeks after it happened and they were upset but they forgave me. My dad told his parents and they were equally upset. I haven't talked to, or seen him since then but I see his sister all the time. I have a class with her but he goes to a different college. It's hard seeing her and thinking about him and I can't imagine what it will be like when I see his face again. Now that I know he just used me, I'm angry with him and myself. I should've never fallen for his kind words and manipulation. I should've been smarter. Everyday, I struggle with guilt, shame, and depression. I don't want to feel an attachment to him but I think about him a lot. I just want to forget him but at the same time, a part of me wants to talk to him. I talking to this guy now but I'm scared to get too close to him because of what I've been through. I don't trust guys anymore and I don't want to miss out on a good guy because of what happened 4 months ago. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know what to do...

Lostgirl94 Lostgirl94
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 24, 2012

If you didn't want to, you were raped...I hope that when you said your parents were upset that they weren't upset with you but with him. You were manipulated and nobody...NOBODY deserves to be treated like that.

I don't consider it rape but thanks for the support.

I'm sure not all guys are like that jerk; although, a whole lot are... so I'd give this new guy a chance, and if he starts to sound even remotely similar to this other guy then I'd stop talking to him.

im in literally such a similar situation as you, a christian, i was lied to, used... i feel so guilty and i hate myself. i actually dont know what to do either,its been two months and i just keep trying to tell myself that time will heal everything...

It's good to know that I'm not alone. It's very hard dealing with something like this but I've learned that talking about it helps and forgiving ourselves is the first step in the right direction. I do believe that with time, things will get better. I wish you the best with everything you're going through.

I'm sorry what happened to you but I'm glad you found some peace in God and your experiences will make you so much stronger in the long run.