What The Hell Was I Thinking?

I was 14. I felt like an unloved disgusting being. When a guy wanted to do it with me, I had to take advantage of the opportunity. I remember thinking "I don't care if I ever do it again, I just don't want to be a virgin." At 14 I thought being a virgin was a bad thing... I don't even know. I don't understand why every girl seems to have an instinct to protect their virginity, but i saw as proof that I was unwanted.
I did it. It was awful. I lost my virginity to a guy that didn't care at all behind the parking lot of church. I did not even enjoy it, it was really bad sex.
I didn't regret until much later. I didn't realize how stupid I was until I was taken advantage of by another guy whom I just met, this time I was drunk and high at a party. It hurt a lot more with him because I wasn't using him to lose my virginity. He acted like he cared about me after we did it but I didn't realize he just stayed for more sex until he got bored of me and left. That's when i learned how emotional sex is and I shouldn't be giving it to every guy that wants it.
I should have waited for a guy that would actually respect me. I should still be a virgin because I haven't found a guy like that yet.
To anybody reading this, if it isn't to late for you please wait for somebody that won't just dump you or use you. I know it's cliche but it should be with a guy that you trust and feel comfortable with.
Don't do what I did. It really messed with my head and I'm not sure if I'll ever fully recover from the emotional trauma.
ever85 ever85
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

Wow! we have a lot in common. I was 15..I remember catching the eyes of this guy in my private school and instantly beginning to like/crush on him.. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It started as hugs, then led to secret makeout sessions behind my parents backs..we would talk on the phone for hours at night..It made me feel so good to be wanted. I didn't care that he didn't want to be seen with me in front of people at school or that he was a pot head...I just liked him. So, I decided that I was ready. I was ready to have sex..I snuck out around 2 am on a school night..he picked me up..and we parked at a church parking lot as well..that horrible thing is that this church was the church I grew up going to...It happened fast..without emotion..inside I knew I wasn't ready..but it happened. It was painful and I went home feeling empty..and cried. 2 years leading after that we would have sessions where we met each other just to do that..It was the only way that I was close to him..so I kept coming back. It got pretty bad..I snuck out, lied, got into trouble at school, and it was all for him..for some kind of affection from someone. I didn't have any friends..(had trouble making them) He then would stop calling me as much, ditched me twice when we were supposed to meet somewhere, and ignored me in front of people at school.. It hurt me so bad..I waited 2 years for him to finally ask me out on date and ask me to be his girlfriend, but he never did. I even told him I loved him once..he didn't say anything back..he just said "naw.."

It does mess up your head for awhile, but you can get better with therapy and help from others. You will find a guy who loves you. I've experienced emotional sex that love is involved in with my current boyfriend..That's how sex should be! A complete connection between 2 people, and you will find this. :)

wow that really helped reading that... thank you <3

You're welcome. What really confused me after this whole experience was thinking that it was normal to sleep with guys without having an emotional connection. I started watching **** around 14, and I always thought sex was just as it is portrayed online..It's not though.
Then after having that long, draining experience with the guy who took my virginity, the thought of not being good enough and of never being asked out digged into me. It just takes time..What i've learned is that I can turn this experience into a positive.. Sadly, It's not likely that we'll marry a virgin. ..And on the other hand, if we didn't lose our virginity..and experienced different sexual relationships/experiences we wouldn't know what we like and don't like.
Hang in there.

that is a hard way to learn a lesson one thing i would add to it is many boys use the words i love you with out understand what the words mean

there is no love if you have to do every thing they say or want

Both of ours were taken by others as we grew up mine was taken very young in life the one I loved was taken by others after a beating then a brutial rape,
and they say you can only lose it one time.

However, the truth is you never lose it until you give it to the other in your mind
and while the actual thing was taken what we gave to each other the morning of 8 th grade graduation was so much better than the actual thing ever was as it was done with different feeling.