Regret My First

I hate myself and i don't know how to forgive myself

i always use to say I want to keep it till i found the rite guy

and then I lose it to someone i knew for 5 months and was his girl friend for a week

im 16 and he is 21

We started going out and 5 days into it he broke up w me becuase i was hanging out with my old guy friends and he dosent trust other guys with me then he begs me out and i say yes.

hes liked me ever since we started talking, he says he loves me only after we did it, before he said it was lust but he cared for me and ive been hurt before so idk if i should believe that a guy can actually love me

before i was his girl friend we never even kissed and it was the spur of the moment type thing and it was for like 5 minutes not even so i got no joy out of it

he was in the hospital because he broke two of his feet

at first it started with a kiss and just moved on

I don't know what to do with myself, every night i cry, the night after it happen we broke up for several reasons. First is because stupidly I was sort of flirting with his frined but i didnt mean anything i said so he found out and broke up with me. Now hes been begging me back for a week. I dont know wat to do, i say i like him, i tell him i love him, but im not sure if i love him and cnt let go of him cuz he took my innocence or that i actually care for him

i dont think i would have lost it someone i didnt care for, and eveyrtime he asks me out again I say i cnt becuase i dnt wana cry like i did. I also dont want to be with him because  he promised he wouldn't take it from me till i was ready and he didn't hold himself back. I feel like i want him back because I want to atleast say i lost my virginity to a guy who was long term rather than a week.

i know i cant blame him so i blame myself

i beat myself up about it, i skipped school

when people use to ask me are you a virgin and id say yea they would be shocked and id feel a sense of pride

and now i feel like a total ****, all my friends say its normal for teens

but i don't want to be a normal teen, i liked being special, i liked being innocent

livinginregret livinginregret
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

ii too reqrett my first time.! the quy reallyy qavee me false hopes that we were always goiing to be together now im stuck stupid! my mom found out and was super upset but my dad was cool about it! after all the convincing i tried to do to my mom the guy i loved broke up wit me! my friends all say its good i waited til i was 16 but i just wish i waited a while longer like i wanted to. i fell into the peer pressure of him wanting to do it so bad, i didnt want to disappoint him because he's older than me. i kinda feel like he broke up with me because i didnt want to do it anymore after my first time because it hurted so bad smh. but i know if i pray things will heal my heart a bit better than how im trying to cope!