If It Makes You Happy, It Makes Me Happy.

As a freshman in high school, this year I let all my priorities in life slip as I got my first boyfriend. He was the one I wanted from the start, artistic, a musician, and more so than anything he was always patient with my moods. Though he never quite could help, at all, and lately most all of my lows are because of him, the depression I've had since I was 11-years-old and currently medicated for as whole lessened. Or atleast took a whole new form, acquiring the title of 'love'. Now I kept myself in denial as long as I could, and he would stay with me despite my disconnection, and though he's only 15, he threw out the word 'love' first. I never believed in any of that, as a matter of fact I detested the entire process, so of course I was shut off to him, and I don't believe I exactly know what 'love' is, though I fear I'm learning; if only the hardest way. 

So skip to being in a relationship for 3 months, and me at the point of believing his feelings for me, and I'm doing anything just to satisfy him, because I never felt the need to connect with anyone before, and this is me doing anything to keep him around. I was desperate, degrading my previous standards, neglecting friendships because after only a small dose of him I was too exhausted to deal with any one else. If he only knew half of my depency on him, but I keep that to myself. 

I gave him a blow job, because I wanted to show him how I felt. And a month later, he's got me willing to have sex. 

I didn't want to. God, I did not want to, but the fact is that I did. I... don't even know why, well I do, but the reason doesn't hold nearly as much substance to it as it used to. Not when it's because I did it for him. I went through the aching pain, I went through his persistence on the subject, I cried at the scare of pregnancy, and I'm still only angry with myself, and only slightly with him. I just wish he would've recognized by now I'd do anything to make him happy, because I'm so convinced that me as a person can't, though I know inside he could really like who I am. And he does, I honestly believe that, though being the way I am I'll never willingly acknowledge the idea that somebody could like me for who I am. Not when I'm use to giving and others taking, then there anger and hurt when I have nothing left to give.

It comes down to I regret having sex when I did, but not who it was with. I regret thinking that... It was all I could possibly give, thus giving away something I previously didn't appreciate.

SomethingRelevant SomethingRelevant
13-15, F
1 Response Feb 14, 2010

Wow... this is so much like me. I hear where you're coming from entirely. You were younger than myself and the positions were kind of switched (my guy would do anything for me, he didn't pressure me, but I just sort of let him so I could express how I felt) and I regret the timing but not the guy... wow. So alike. I can empathize and I'm sorry, because it is really confusing and it hurts.