Multiple Losses

I feel as if I've lost my virginity multiple times.  Probably have.

Less than a month after my eignteenth birthday, I had sex with my first serious boyfriend.  I could not have been more nonchalant about it.  It wasn't a romantic setting.  And I didn't care at all.  In fact, he was more concerned than I was, and he was the one who got us to stop.  We had fooled around so much that I didn't even realize we were having sex until it was over.  I was fine, at first... but then reality hit, and I regretted it so much.  SO much!  I felt used, even though I was the one who took the initiative; the guy hadn't physically or verbally coerced me in any way.  A week later, and I was crying my heart out to him in a dark car at two in the morning, and thank God he was such a good guy, because he comforted me.

I hated everything about that experience.  I vowed never to do it again.

And yet, before the month was out, I broke my promise.  The setting was the same - not romantic, he didn't coerce me, I initiated it. I figured, well, since it was over, might as well just do it again, get some pleasure out of it, whatever.  I didn't have much self-respect at that point.  And it was only when all the blood showed up that I realized I'd been a virgin all along, and the week of crying and regretting and then FINALLY getting over it were for nothing.

There's a moral to the story.  If I had just learned from the first time, and kept my promise and respected myself even though I felt like there was nothing left to respect, I would still be a virgin.  If I had done some research I would've figured it out.  My virginity was something I had considered very special... I wouldn't have this regret hanging over me all over again if I had just known.

Guess you don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone.

MeSebi MeSebi
18-21, F
Feb 28, 2010