It Was Supposed To Be Perfect...

I always wanted my first kiss to be with someone who liked me. I didn't have to like that person ( because usually if I like a guy he is an epic douche bad). I wanted to know that they cared about me, and that it wouldn't be the sort of situation where he kissed me and never spoke to me again. I had been saving it for 18 YEARS because I wanted it to be perfect. 

My first kiss was actually exactly one week ago. I am 18 years old, and this was my first year at college. We have been friends all semester, and I supposed he liked me but I didn't know. 

So we are sitting outside at 2 AM on a bench. Boys can't be in the girls dorm (even the lobby) after 1:30 AM ( I go to a religious school). We are sitting there and we are talking about some pretty personal stuff. While we are talking he puts his arm around me. So we keep talking and then with his free hand he puts his hand on top of mine, so I interlock fingers with him. He his just holding me like he never wants to let me go. Then we keep talking, and he puts his face right next to mine, we are pretty much cheek to cheek. I can feel his breath. My mind starts freaking out!! So I tried to analyze the situation.. It is a starry night, this a guy who is my friend so it shouldn't be awkward during or after the kiss, he wouldn't be holding me or trying to kiss me if he didn't like me (right?). Even though I did't like him in that way, I thought that if I let the opportunity get away, that I would turn 19 and will have never been kissed. 

So while I am thinking all of this he lets go of my hand, turns my head and kisses me. I was so freaked out and I didn't know what I was doing!! I'm pretty sure his tongue skimmed my top lip and I was just freaking out!!! My mind was in seven different places at once! "OMG this is my first kiss, it's over. I;m pretty sure I'm doing this wrong. Am I supposed to be doing something with my hands? Better keep them where they are... How long is this supposed to last? How do you gauge time while kissing?"

I was so freaked out that I pulled away and said, "I have to go," and I just walked away. He calls me back and he apologizes and hugs me. I told him that I was just freaked out because it was my first kiss, and that he should't be sorry. He asks if we should tell people, as in make ourselves an item. I said no... a little too quickly. I text him later saying it is fine if he tells and if we continue (because I felt bad). He then proceeds to tell me that we should't because it is almost the end of the semester, and because the kiss really didn't mean anything to him and that it was really late and that he wasn't thinking. He stopped talking to me ever since, and is actively avoiding me.

Not only did I lose my first kiss to a guy that told me he doesn't like me, but I lost my friend over it too...

It was supposed to be perfect. I regret my first kiss. 

Imhurtingtoo Imhurtingtoo
22-25, F
Apr 14, 2012