Kissing. Crawling.

First kiss. Well, it was New Year's Eve and I was 24. I was in love with a girl I shouldn't have been in love with. We dated in an "it's complicated" way, before deciding to just be friends and move in together, even though we still had feelings (that we still had yet to act upon). This is what most people would call a "bad idea," but really, what did they know about us? We believed ourselves to be beautiful and unique. We believed we needed each other!


Yes. Did it backfire? Yes. But things eventually got better... But first... the story of my first kiss:

So. Yes. I was moving into her upstairs apartment at the beginning of the year, and we were still hanging out all the time. I was fine being friends. I thought. And New Year's Eve was upon us, and it was time to say goodbye to the old (i.e. lust for her) and ring in the new (friends with her). At least that was the unspoken subtext. I felt good. Confident. Mind if I bring a friend, she asks. Sure. Why the hell not? The more the merrier, right? The more to look on at us in wonder, awestruck at the beauty of our pristine platonic love. 

So her friend was a guy. And as the night went on I could see this was not gonna end well. I drank. I danced. I pretended I didn't care. I saw them all over each other. It was horrible. Dizzy. Blurry. Angry... Any other adjectives I can think of to comprise a one word sentence. Midnight's approach left me horrified by the countdown to the inevitable, watching it unfold right before my eyes.

10 ****...

9 Oh ****...

8 Why

7 Did

6 I

5 Get

4 Myself

3 Into

2 This

1 Mess?

They kissed. I stood there. Stupid. An old acquaintance forgot, stranded in Auld Lang Syne. 

What else could I do? I preceded to drink heavily.

The rest of the night... was odd. I felt elated and destroyed at the same time. I was messed up, their coupling and the alcohol meeting for a New Year's kiss, and completely throwing off my equilibrium. ******* with my head... The night crawled on. Moving from party to party. Started at a downtown condo I think. As the night went on we spread to lower floors, became best friends for moments. Infecting everything. Then off to the near west side... I think... blurred. Somebody had a party. Who? This guy!! Let's go! Deeper into the night, it was just crawling to random strange houses. Got to the point where we didn't know anybody... Just a new house. If a light was there, that's all we needed. A new place, an infinite number of new places, drizzling down our throats. Drunken urban sprawl. We were an isosceles love triangle In which I was playing the role of the short side. The base resting on the floor staring straight up at the sharp angle their long sides created. Their angle much closer than the angles they created with me. Their bodies closer. Their looks, kisses, conversations. I had been told by this girl I was her soulmate. I already saw myself losing that status. I was just a 3rd rickety wheel, drunk as all of them, but not quite as merry. And in other moments, too damn merry. Mood swings... Vision a mush.

Things settled. Hours later it was still and we were on a porch. I don't know where the hell the porch was, or whose it was exactly, but we were there, and it was a quiet street and the porch light was on and I remember people walking down the street. I remember the sky seeming thick. Me and her and a number of strangers. Most coupled off. I don't know where he was. Inside somewhere. I couldn't care less. He disappeared. An apparition alltogether. It was supposed to be us all along, right? We just stood there talking. It was warm for New Years, unseasonably so for the Great Lakes area... She put her cheek on mine. My head pivoted a little till lips traced her warm, flushed cheek. We embraced and began to softly nuzzle each other. In time, our tired drunk faces ran out of skin and struck upon lips...

Our first kiss was our goodbye kiss. At least for what our relationship had been at that time.

After a little bit, I looked down. She looked down. I think I said "I don't know..." She said, "I love you..." She looked at me as if to say I'm sorry it ended this way. The wind was warm and I didn't give a **** that my jacket was gone.

We went inside, I following her. I remember some random guy patted me on the back right then, right after she walked by me and went inside, as if to tell me good job, man, to be in love on New Year's is the best. Well, 2 minutes later she was in the bathroom with him, and I was standing by some drunk girls who were questioning if I was old enough to be at this party, who upon proving my age, began playing with my hair, as I just stood there wanting to go home. Knowing that within a short amount of time, my home would be there, in the bathroom so to speak, in the middle of them...

In retrospect, I began to see it as a really beautiful moment. Out on the porch... I regret it though. For tons of reasons. And in case you're curious, what followed was not so great... The ensuing months were a very curious time indeed for me. But, things ultimately got better between us. A lot better. Better than we could have dreamed... Before ending more or less, as so many things do, over distance and time and doubt.

nonplussednonsense nonplussednonsense
26-30, M
26 Responses Aug 26, 2009

i thought i was reading a book

Kind of seems like kisses can just occur for any reason at any time out of the blue nowadays. But goodness, she's going to hurt herself one day if she is this adventurous with men, especially if there is no real solid and official relationship

Please can you tell me what is the end of story? you and her, if you dont mind me asking, now what have you guys became?

Thanks. :)<br />
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As far as remembering things...I think you may be right. In additon, I feel that time adds a lot more to the story. Can bring perspective. In time I learned that this was not the right person for me. (Behavior like hers as detailed in this story is proof of that. <br />
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As far as better kisses goes... Well. I'm getting there. :)

Thank you, I appreciate that very, very much. :)

Fantastic story; It really captures emotions that I think all of us have felt at some point; to long for someone, and to feel bitter jealousy as you realise you can't have what you want. You certainly have a very evocative writing style, and I can really empathise with you. Cheers.

That's what I'm sayin...

oh crap

Wow. Thank you! I'm very flattered by your comment...<br />
<br />
Related note - I just found out that the girl in question is finally getting married to the other dude from the story. (She's been pregnant with child for a while too.) Sooo... I'm actually quite happy for them. It's ok to know you're not for everybody and is something I got over a good long while ago.

Thank you very much, and well time is the only healer I've found so far. He's not, he's just confused but he has something amazing inside of him... believe it or not. Thanks for sharing your story..=)

Yeah...Sometimes it takes a new person to come along and heal the wounds left from a previous person. Sometimes it just takes time... This guy sounds pretty horrible, but I understand that that doesn't always mean that we don't love or care for them. Good luck to you in searching for whatever it takes for you to move on.

Believe I regret mine too, it was with this guy who just left me. I fall for him and then I found out he kiss every guy he meets, just to say he has made out with him. AS for today I love him and he doesn't and I have to stand every time he does it with someone else.

Unless it was sweeps month. Then I would be diagnosed with cancer at the same time I'm being confronted with a series of very special guest stars: <br />
<br />
"Darlin', I want to kiss you." <br />
<br />
"Sorry, I can't. Pop icon Miley Cyrus is here!" <br />
<br />
The like. <br />
<br />
I don't know. Aren't TV shows all about the awkward humor nowadays? The kind that you see on those shows like the Office? They'd rather make you cringe than smile. Maybe there's some of that in here. Some awkward moments. And I do kind of cringe going back and reading it... There's some really embarassing (i.e. bad) writing.<br />
<br />
Thanks for the comment!

Ah, if only a TV screenwriter had been in charge. Then it would have been all smiles.

Thank you! Boy, can think of me as whatever as long as you keep dishing out them gold stars. :) I appreciate your comment and your positive reaction.

Hmm...never really thought of it as much of a "cute" story, but I guess it kind of is in some ways. I think it had a lot of significance in it, so for that I'm pretty thankful. I also like that our first kiss was our goodbye kiss...That's, like, soooo emo, am I right, folks? :P

Aw, that's so cute! It's nice to see how you put your feelings into that. I wish I had such a cute story to tell :)

Wow, thanks! In retrospect, it was a good life experience I guess. It was a pretty screwed up situation, but I still consider her a friend. It's kind of better that nothing happened between us as it would have ended poorly.

This is probably one of the most greatest pieces of writing I have ever stumbled upon! While reading it, I literally was living it! Feeling every moment, every heart beat full of images and feelings. <br />
I am really sorry that you had to go through something like that, man. But it is the girl's fault, not yours. After something like that, she is not worth it. <br />
Awesome post!

Thank you! I sincerely appreciate the comment.

This was beautiful.<br />
Totally conveys the pain and confusion you must've felt. Great post.

transistic and karumbey - <br />
<br />
Thank you! I am sincerely flattered...

What an overwhelming and heartwrenching story. The emotions are astoundingly clear. My heart is still pounding a bit. Thank you for sharing this with us.

I agree, you write very well! Your words bring the reader to the very moment and let us share your experience with you.

Thanks. Its a rough story to talk about, because so much of my current emotional state still traces back to that time, which was roughly about a 2 year long emotional rollercoaster ride. It's also the closest I've ever been with anyone, both in emotion and proximity, having lived together for a significant period of time after the stuff that I talked about in the story. <br />
<br />
Anyways, I'm sick of my emotions resting with one foot firmly in the past, and I hope to create new things for myself. Hopefully by venting about it, I'll help myself some.<br />
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Thanks for the kind words. Sorry to hear about the heartbreak you felt... If you ever need to write that story, I'll be there to read it.

Damn man. I wish I could write like you. I actually got a little flushed reading that story. I can just imagine you. Tunnel vision for your girl/friend. The entire night a hazy, blurry, emotional rollercoaster where just before you think you're going to throw up, a new turn jerks it back down and you're left wondering where it's going to stop. I had ONE similar experience to yours at a party a long time ago, when I still had friends to go to parties with. Never got kissed, though, but saw the one girl I was ever in love with kiss a guy she had only 2 hours earlier said she couldn't stand. I guess being that drunk makes you do stupid things...except for kiss the one guy that had always treated her with respect and cared for her unconditionally. But enough about my story, I'll write it someday, maybe. Nice post.