I Regret My First Kiss
First kiss. Well, it was New Year's Eve and I was 24. I was in love with a girl I shouldn't have been in love with. We dated in an "it's complicated" way, before deciding to just be friends and move in together, even though we still had feelings (that we still had yet to act upon). This is what most people would call a "bad idea," but really, what did they know about us? We believed ourselves to be beautiful and unique. We believed we needed each other!
Foolish?
Yes. Did it backfire? Yes. But things eventually got better... But first... the story of my first kiss:
So. Yes. I was moving into her upstairs apartment at the beginning of the year, and we were still hanging out all the time. I was fine being friends. I thought. And New Year's Eve was upon us, and it was time to say goodbye to the old (i.e. lust for her) and ring in the new (friends with her). At least that was the unspoken subtext. I felt good. Confident. Mind if I bring a friend, she asks. Sure. Why the hell not? The more the merrier, right? The more to look on at us in wonder, awestruck at the beauty of our pristine platonic love.
So her friend was a guy. And as the night went on I could see this was not gonna end well. I drank. I danced. I pretended I didn't care. I saw them all over each other. It was horrible. Dizzy. Blurry. Angry... Any other adjectives I can think of to comprise a one word sentence. Midnight's approach left me horrified by the countdown to the inevitable, watching it unfold right before my eyes.
10 ****...
9 Oh ****...
8 Why
7 Did
6 I
5 Get
4 Myself
3 Into
2 This
1 Mess?
They kissed. I stood there. Stupid. An old acquaintance forgot, stranded in Auld Lang Syne.
What else could I do? I preceded to drink heavily.
The rest of the night... was odd. I felt elated and destroyed at the same time. I was messed up, their coupling and the alcohol meeting for a New Year's kiss, and completely throwing off my equilibrium. ******* with my head... The night crawled on. Moving from party to party. Started at a downtown condo I think. As the night went on we spread to lower floors, became best friends for moments. Infecting everything. Then off to the near west side... I think... blurred. Somebody had a party. Who? This guy!! Let's go! Deeper into the night, it was just crawling to random strange houses. Got to the point where we didn't know anybody... Just a new house. If a light was there, that's all we needed. A new place, an infinite number of new places, drizzling down our throats. Drunken urban sprawl. We were an isosceles love triangle In which I was playing the role of the short side. The base resting on the floor staring straight up at the sharp angle their long sides created. Their angle much closer than the angles they created with me. Their bodies closer. Their looks, kisses, conversations. I had been told by this girl I was her soulmate. I already saw myself losing that status. I was just a 3rd rickety wheel, drunk as all of them, but not quite as merry. And in other moments, too damn merry. Mood swings... Vision a mush.
Things settled. Hours later it was still and we were on a porch. I don't know where the hell the porch was, or whose it was exactly, but we were there, and it was a quiet street and the porch light was on and I remember people walking down the street. I remember the sky seeming thick. Me and her and a number of strangers. Most coupled off. I don't know where he was. Inside somewhere. I couldn't care less. He disappeared. An apparition alltogether. It was supposed to be us all along, right? We just stood there talking. It was warm for New Years, unseasonably so for the Great Lakes area... She put her cheek on mine. My head pivoted a little till lips traced her warm, flushed cheek. We embraced and began to softly nuzzle each other. In time, our tired drunk faces ran out of skin and struck upon lips...
Our first kiss was our goodbye kiss. At least for what our relationship had been at that time.
After a little bit, I looked down. She looked down. I think I said "I don't know..." She said, "I love you..." She looked at me as if to say I'm sorry it ended this way. The wind was warm and I didn't give a **** that my jacket was gone.
We went inside, I following her. I remember some random guy patted me on the back right then, right after she walked by me and went inside, as if to tell me good job, man, to be in love on New Year's is the best. Well, 2 minutes later she was in the bathroom with him, and I was standing by some drunk girls who were questioning if I was old enough to be at this party, who upon proving my age, began playing with my hair, as I just stood there wanting to go home. Knowing that within a short amount of time, my home would be there, in the bathroom so to speak, in the middle of them...
In retrospect, I began to see it as a really beautiful moment. Out on the porch... I regret it though. For tons of reasons. And in case you're curious, what followed was not so great... The ensuing months were a very curious time indeed for me. But, things ultimately got better between us. A lot better. Better than we could have dreamed... Before ending more or less, as so many things do, over distance and time and doubt.
