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Hurt And Betrayed Over And Over

Hello, I have been married for about 5 years now with 2 beautiful children.   They seem to be the only great thing coming out of my marriage.  I have been with my husband for 12 years all together.  When we first began dating for the first few years things were great.  I had a hard high school experience being raped and running with the wrong crowd.  I met him and he changed my life.  I went back to school after experiencing a bad depression after the rape and temporarily dropping out, graduated high school and college and moved onto a great career as a paralegal.   The day he proposed to me at that time was the single best day of my life and I thought that I was probably the luckiest girl around to be loved by him because he was handsome, humble, thoughtful, caring, funny, loving and giving.  Everything I had always pictured.  He loved me just as much as I loved him.    The two years leading up to our wedding were to say the least a roller coaster ride.   I blamed it on wedding gitters and stress.   I never knew how wrong I was until it was too late.   Our honeymoon was a nightmare he was obviously selfish and distant from me.  About 1 month after we had been married he sat me down and told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore.  I asked him if there was someone else and he denied it.  I had loved him so hard and so deep I was hurt beyond any hurt I could have imagined.   I gave up a modeling career because he was uncomfortable with it, friends I had know for years because he claimed a girl or guy should not have friends of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship.  I respected him.    Come to find out in early december I was pregnant with our first child.   And shortly after that I found out there really was another woman.  I broke down in my life, I couldn't function or get out of bed and took 2 weeks off from work feeling defeated and depressed.  I kicked him out for a couple of weeks and when he came home it only got worse from there.   He continued to try and convince me that I should be friends with this tramp and that we would get along really well.  He persued a "friendship" with her and treated me like garbage.  He began going out with certain influential friends who encouraged him to cheat on me, leaving me home alone pregnant and emotional.   He was verbally abusive, poking fun at the weight I gained with my daughter and telling me after asking if I looked okay, he said I looked good from the boobs up.   There was a second girl he claimed and still claims he had no relationship with her but I ended up at my dr's office with the HPV virus and warts after being completely faithful to him all this time so I knew it wasn't my fault.  I knew it was her.  She even showed up at his workplace at 3 in the morning to see him.  

We stayed together as you can guess, those people in his life had left and we seemed to be trying to move on and mend our marriage as we now had a child to think about.   I went through my entire pregnancy, supposed to be a joyous time, alone and depressed but excited at the same time to be a mom as I have always wanted that.   When our daughter was almost 2 we decided to pick up our life and move to another state in the hopes that we could start fresh.  I mean I really thought that the person I agreed to marry would come back to me.  That was and is the hope that I hang onto every day.    I ended up moving in October 2008 alone as his job transfer had not yet been approved.   For 4 long months I took care of our daughter alone.  Maybe it was possibly the best time in a long time.  I was with my family and had my daughter.   We would fight on the phone all the time and lord only knows what he was really doing while we weren't together.  I would express to him on the phone that I missed him and couldn't wait for him to come live here for good and all he could talk about were his "awesome" friends he was leaving behind never him missing me.  He would say that soon he would be here but that he would be leaving them.  Did he show the same concern the day me and our daughter left?  No he didn't.

He finally moved here February of 2009.  We got our own home and have been here ever since.  I am damaged, depressed and have low self esteem because of the treatment I get from him.   We were doing great shortly after we got our own home and it stayed that way until I got pregnant with our second daughter.   This pregnancy was very hard on me, I was very sick and had Gestational Diabetes.  He is a personal trainer and would harp on me for eating 1 Ice cream my entire pregancy, calling me lazy and basically making me feel guilty for being ill because he had to take care of the household.   Meanwhile, I work a full time job from home and had a 3 year old to take care of.  I ended up in counseling which was supposed to be a joint effort, he has yet to go.   I am now stressed, depressed and sad over my decision to stay with him but on the other hand would not take my children back ever.   They are my life and what keep me going everyday.

I recently experienced the death of my brother 1 1/2 months ago and he couldn't be less supportive.   My brother was only 33 years old and the only big brother I have.   We traveled to CT to have a memorial service and he complained and was pretty much a jerk most of the time.  My inlaws didn't show up and he makes up excuses for them.     I struggle everyday with his death and really don't think my husband even acknowledges my pain.  I was very close to my brother and this is the first major loss I have ever experienced.   He has no closeness in his family whatsoever and they are pretty much strangers to eachother.  I have expressed to him how sad I feel for him and that they should reconnect because you just never know when something may happen and you are left with a million regrets.   If you could have just one more day, all the things you would say to that person.

I always look at life with positivity and he is very negative, like nothing is ever good enough.  Most days I feel like if I never came home that he wouldn't even care.   All he would be concerned about is how would he take care of the kids and who could babysit when he wants to go out.    I feel at the end of my rope and tired of trying with someone who will seemingly never care enough about me to see that our love is fading and our marriage is falling apart.

He claims that I am not normal but he doesn't realize that as a rape victim, sexual things are intimidating even if you trust the person you are with.  It is a deep emotional thing that takes years or even your whole lifetime to get over.  He makes me feel like less than the woman I know I am.   We now have a 3 1/2 year old and a 3 month old and I am on the fence wether to stay or leave.  Will he ever be the man I fell in love with?  The one that treated me like a queen, who I felt in my heart truly loved me and cared about my feelings. 

I guess only time will tell.  Until then, thanks for reading my story.  I hope to find the right answer some day. :(

wifescorned wifescorned 26-30, F 6 Responses May 2, 2010

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Hi Wifescorned,

I hear your pain, fear, and feeling of hopelessness. I was raped by several boys when I was 6 years old. I am now 69 and although I have had a normal enjoyable sex life with two husbands, I still flinch if my husband touches me if I don't initiate the feeling.

I have learned 4 things about marriage (any relationship) and they are that 1. We are our life experiences. In other words all the things we observed, heard, and experienced cause us to make the decisions that we do.

The biggest impact of rape is a feeling of no self-worth that no one could possibly want us. That feeling comes from our religions, parents, and what we see in the media. You have to finally come to grips with what is buried in your subconscious and make a decision that you DO deserve a life of love and joy.

#2 Learn to love yourself for the beautiful being that you are. God does not make mistakes. You are a unique being who has specific hardwired core values that cannot be changed. This difference alone can cause issues with communications in marriage. Go to www.keirsey.com and take the personality quiz. It will start you on the way to understand why you may be reacting to things in your life. It is possible you could be in a situation that is totally against your core values.

#3 Understand that all of the points you mentioned that are bothering you are being driven by the emotions described in #1 and your core values in #2. You can choose to stop believing the things that are caused by life experiences, but you can't change who you are. Make a list of all the things that are upsetting you and identify which are fears and which are against your values.

Then decide what you can change by being aware that the emotions that are coming up are not really yours. They are something that someone else told you and you believed it.

One last thought. Your marriage is having a very negative impact on your children. They are absorbing everything that is going on and will internalize it until they are adults. They will then live their lives according to what they experienced as children. Is this what you want?

I have a website www.savemarriagelovelife.com, if you are interested in some of the books that helped me make it through one marriage of 27 years and create another amazing marriage that is still going after 20 years.

My love and prayers are with you. Be strong, Love yourself and know that you can create your life any way you choose. It isn't always easy, but the first step leads to the 2nd step and the next thing you know, this too shall pass.

Vicki

Yes, I agree with SuperNaturalLady, leave him or suffer another week, another month, another year of your life with your kids. Now that you have two new born lives, give them the best environment for you to show your love for them.

Leave him please...not just for you but your children. I wouldn't want my daughter raised in a home like that, I wouldn't want her to think it was okay.

I tell you my friend, leave him but do it gracefully so you do not regret the process.<br />
It is easy to say 'leave him', but believe me, it is what you need to do.<br />
<br />
IF a man loves you, then he will make you feel beautiful in ways you never thought possible and will make you feel whole, complete, fulfilled, and at peace with yourself and will show you love and care. You are living a life on the illusion that he loves you now because he loved you in the past. Wake up and smell the coffee. He is using you and does not love you. Marriage is a two-way street not one. It has to be mutual. Get out of this marriage but do confront him of your intentions. Think about the way to do it so there is no regret and rush. Make yourself happy first for your own kids. You don't want them to see you derpresses for the rest of your life. See things as they are not as they used to be or as you would like them to be in the future. Be realistic and be brave enough to move on with your life and be happy. Best wishes.

No and leave!

I can totally relate! One day your survival insticts will kick in. As women we all have them. And you will have no feelings for him other than a friend at best. When that happens, you will be able to walk out the door with no regrets and an unbelievable sense of self esteem! It will happen after you put up with just a little more of his horribleness, then that instinct will kick in. I see you are almost there....