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I Regret My Marriage.

My husband is very sensitive. He has had a very different upbringing and the instability still shows.  I knew that there were issues before marriage but I didn't expect him to take things out on me.

* There is no violence* And most of the times things are fine. It's just when he does shout or get snappy I just can't forget about it. I can imagine that this is perfectly normal in many relationships (mother/child. siblings perhaps) but I'm not used to it and hate having this in my life.

I like him alot. But the 'love' that i did have has fractured. I think boyfriend/girlfriend love is not really comparable to husband/wife love anyway. Well not unless you live with each other and share time the way 'traditional' married couples do. Anyway, back to the point, I DID love him when he was my boyfriend... and probably 6 weeks into the marriage too.

We had our worst arguments at the beginning. I remember in the first week of living with each other we had a terrible argument. It was so bad i was banging my fists against the walls and crying for my mum (he was sleeping on the sofa). I've been lucky in life that I've never been through anything like that before.

So you can understand, that when I hit a real LOW and all fingers are pointing towards him as being the cause, then I'm going to lose faith in him and 'THIS' marriage too? But then, he has changed alot since the beginnng and he did make me breakfast twice this week!

For the last few weeks I've had serious doubts about his integrity. Only after a few weeks of tender moments have I regained some trust in him. But then, we have spent some time away from each other (absence makes the heart grow fonder?).

My biggest fear... is that I'll get screwed when I'm most vulnerable. That's why I've been so anxious. Because I'm waiting to find the evidence. But in my heart I don't think he's that bad.

So, I need to recognise the fine line:

A) from staying in victim mode and not forgetting the past (the initial arguments we had [they were very bad]) which will probably conclude in divorce.

OR

B) Stay in the present and handle all situations as they arise with the highest level of dignity. And just record things so I can review when I feel unsure.

This sounds so bizarre.

I am actually very normal and I never DREAMED that I'd be sitting here writing something like this. I never thought that my marriage would be such a calamity. But then, I thought marriage would be like having a new room-mate. Someone to share your experiences and hot dinners with.

But you know what? I'm starting to realise that more people are in a similar position but they don't share it easily. I've chatted to three.

In my mind it's a catch-22: marry or not to marry.  Singledom vs Married life; both have their pros and cons.

This all sounds like a sad cliche. That I'm making excuses for a dreadful husband. People are sitting and judging me... because I'm neither here nor there. I'm complaining but I'm not acting on anything. But the bare facts are this:

- I've been married 6 months

- Divorce would upset ALOT of people

- I don't know how much of this I just need to 'get over' i.e. old arguments (forgiveness etc)

- If he will improve. Evidence SUGGESTS that he will but I don't know.

I just have to give it more time really.

I have very little patience. Is this why marriages fail? because women have less patience with their tantrum-pig husbands?

Any marriage advise would be greatly appreciated.

From Newbie-Wed. x

omshanti omshanti 26-30, F 11 Responses Oct 29, 2007

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Hi, I don't have any advice but I am going through something similar (we are not married yet, but trying for a baby and have bought our first house together).

I would disagree with some points below, in particular the one saying your husband should be your best friend, in my experience sometime things turn bad when you rely 'too' much on the other person.. and I find a lot of people who say that usually are fortunate to have another best or close friend that they can let off steam to if need be.

Not that I'm saying your husband shouldn't be your friend, just that he shouldn't be your only friend. I am currently in a position where I don't want to worry my mum or best friend since my mum is ill and my best friend is having plenty of stress in her own life. We started going out five years ago and living together for four years, but something about the marriage and family thing (and the financial responsibilities), even though nothing is concrete yet, seems to put extra stress and make me feel trapped. Also he has had a massively stressful time in his job recently and that's where all his thoughts are, his mind's not really in the relationship at all. It makes me feel that he doesn't want to be in the relationship, but he strongly resists when I suggest the relationship might not be good for us.

Back to your husband - I don't know if your doubts about his integrity are well-founded, but I would say it's very easy to have doubts when a) your thoughts are straying yourself b) you are not 'connecting' whether that be because one of you is withdrawing or simply due to time/practicalities. My boyfriend is the most unlikely person in the world to cheat and if he did he'd probably even be honest enough to tell me about it (even though I'm not sure that is always the right thing!), but I keep getting paranoid about stupid things like a boys' holiday; and; I found an Alka Seltzer sachet in the bathroom and before I looked at it closely, I was convinced it was a condom (i.e. he was playing away). I'm just saying that your brain sometimes sees what it wants to see!

Your husband may deal with problems in a different way to you and not be as open, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is being deliberately deceitful.
Hope it helps to know you are not alone!

See this is the kind of story I want for my "Starter Marriage" group I want to start.
These are the things I have found since going through something similar: people are different and interpret the same situation differently. There are 2 things people need in order to make a marriage work: 1.) You both have to be emotionally healthy, and 2.) You have to be independent, so if one of you left, the other one could get along without you. If you are co-dependent, meaning if one person left the other wouldn't be able to get along/support themselves, that's a bad sign.
Once those two things are taken care of, a lot of the problems in marriage can come down to love languages and personality differences. Also, being reactively defensive in arguments can screw things up.
You can google love languages and it will come up. Basically, what it means is that people can be trying really hard to show the other person love and putting in a lot of effort, and the other person just doesn't get it and doesn't feel loved at all because they have a different love language. The secret is for each partner to know what the other's love language is and show love that way instead of the way they would prefer to (or recognize they won't get the same response).
Also, it is important to know your personality type for the same reason. There are Myers-Briggs and others, a good book is "Please Understand Me II" which has a personality test in it and tells you how relationships between all the personalities are set up to thrive and fail, and being cognizant of that can help you understand what is going on or why someone who seemed so wonderful now doesn't seem so wonderful.

I'm married for almost 6 months and I used to love my husband before our marriage, and I faught for him. Now, I'm very depressed, I feel very sad. I stopped loving him because I think he's not the man I used to know, there're a lot of things I didnt know in him and shocked me !<br />
I'm pregnant and I feel very old, fat and sad !!

If your a guy, forget about marriage unless you have a bullit proof pre-nup. You pension should be your pension wether you marry or not. Protect it with a pre nup. Also, maintain seperate in you name only bank accounts. Your better off just living togethr. If it goes bad you each take your own stuff and just leave. Nice and easy,No Leagle bills or court dates. Im a very successfull male stuck in a marriage that im just simply sick of.<br />
Wonderfull wife amd family, but im just sick of the whole thing. Was much happier simgle. You can get up when you want. Sleep when you want. Eatnwhen you Want and do whatever you want any time you want.m marriage it blows horse wang. We still love each other but. Are totally sick of being married.and totally want out,cant even pretend anymore so wished i never ever did this assinine thing<br />
Q

Quite a sexist position, "if your (should be you're) a guy, forget about marriage unless you have a bullit (bullet) proof pre-nup"...i would actually advise WOMEN, who are becoming increasingly more educated and professionally successful with money and property of their own, to have either, (1) binding financial agreements, if de factos, or (2) pre-nups if getting married. I am not married but am in a relationship that has, after only 2 years, been marred by violence. I've discovered too late, that he deals with stress by pushing me into walls and bruising, all whilst i'm pregnant with twins. On my side however, are 3 important documents: (1) a will, (2) binding financial agreement, which i made sure he got legal advice on prior to signing, and (3) a parenting plan which will become binding consent orders once i give birth. I've told him, i'm giving him time (im in my early thirties and am prepared to give up 2-4 years of my life if need be) to either, (1) get counselling or (2) we walk away amicably. Either way i'd be happy. If things don't change, once ive given birth and these children are a bit older and easier to manage, i will walk. I don't want his money (he has no assets or savings by the way), but have protected my own. When women, and men, for that matter, go into a relationship, yes feel love - it's an amazing emotion. But assess things realistically. I was too stupid and naive, believing God would protect me from harm, and that "love conquers all". DOESN'T happen. Have arguments before you move in together, see how the other reacts. Assess each other's values, and extended family (very imprtnant, and the root of most of our problems). And above all, go with gut instinct. Looking back, i now see SO clearly all the many signs along the way, where i should have walked away. But didn't, for whatever reason(s). Too late now. No point looking back with regret at all. I'm still alive, healthy and looking forward to my babies. But I, like digiroute, have protected myself going into this relationship -and that alone, makes things a hell of a lot easy to bare. Wishing everyone well in the crazy, at times difficult, life.

Your Growth is what made you marry him, and now you have to ask the why and then how to change this time you are living. People grow, but people who do not want to change do not see that far into themselves to be deep, therefore the obvious is you knowing if your husband will give a future of troubled times. Marriage to the wrong soul will mess you up so badly that picking up the pieces can be frustrating because you will have the slippery help of regret to hinder the healing, so make up your mind now, forget about what others think, too many idiot busy bodies in our lives will stick their retarded noses where it doesn't belong if you give them an inch of allowance.

Marriage should require legal representation like any other contract because thats what it is, a contract. You end up needing a lawyer to get out of it but can enter it legally ignorant and with out any understanding of it's legal ramifications. They should eliminate that rediculous pre-cana and replace it with a legal seminar. If men understood the legal ramifications of marriage they wouldn't do it. Does anyone honestly think a man would marry if he knew the wife would get HIS pension if the marriage didn't work out. Also, the only reason that the legal lobby opposed "no fault" is because the shysters want to bill the pants off both of you in a long drawn out process under the illusion of possible trial. No fault cuts into the lawyers wallet !!! Nothing funnier than a bunch of shysters pontificating about America and the institution of marriage. Like they really give a crap about anything but running the clock, talking lawyer to lawyer and getting you to fight and then billing you every bit of the way. "No fault" enactment was financial tort reform !!!

You're so right about the pros and cons of both. alot of people don't consider the pros of being single. They just see the bad and don't look for the cons of marriage. If you ask me, being single is not so bad in retrospect.

If he really loves you, he will make all kinds of sacrifices for you and will want to make you happy all the time. A marriage with regrets is no marriage. If you could fix things, do it fast. If not, get out and don't waste your time. Communication is good, but if only you are the one talking then there is a serious problem. A man who truly loves, make the woman feel no regret and feel only happiness. Best wishes.

I sooo agree with goldiekat. I have been married for 18 yrs now and have wanted out for a long time. Go withyour gut. If I had done that about 16 yrs ago I would not have gotten cheated on 2 more times. I settled. That is not the way to go. I have been lonely for a long time. I'm getting out of my marriage finally, but I know I have missed many yrs that I could have been happy. I have 3 kids I stayed in the marriage for. I now know that I should have gotten out for my self and they would have been fine. When you are happy other people notice and react to that. Good luck.

i read this and my heart goes out to you. i have been in what i felt was a similar situation, and i am now pursuing divorce. it was interesting to hear you say "Divorce would upset ALOT of people"..... what about YOU? i made a grave error in seeing the ways of my 'husband' and i kept telling myself that love will conquer all. he will love me as a husband and will step up to the plate when the need arises. well - it never happened, and year after year passed as i was fed empty promises and left to fend for myself. we were 'roommates' in our marriage, but when i married, i thought it would be more. it actually amounted to less than we felt for each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. i guess in his eyes, once the 'contract was signed', his work was done. don't wait around for changes. if you see the person you need and want, then that's what your husband is. but if it's not there, it not there. people don't magically become what you hoped for. they have to want it, and be self aware in the first place. <br><br />
<br><br />
i wish you much luck in your situation and hope that everything works out for the best for both of you. marriage is too often a situation that is taken far too lightly. it is really to be for life.... because you both should be absolutely certain and on the same page. sadly, my 'spouse' was not. and i should have left him at the altar. :( i don't advise sitting and waiting for changes of others. the only person that you can generate change in is yourself.

I believe that for a marrige to work and to be truly happy in a relationship, your partner "HAS" to be your best friend. I believe if this is not the case, then you are just waisting your life. Life is to short to do that.<br />
I am not saying leave or not too. Just giving you the best advice I myself have to give, and Wishing you the best of luck. BG