A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words...

I can be very stupid. I have learned to laugh at myself when I get into these stupid situations, because that's really the only healthy solution. And sometimes it can be kinda funny. But recently I did something I really wish I could take back. There was this guy who was super hot, but totally irrelevant to my life in every way. I mean, we met on a cruise about a year ago, so I really only knew him for a week of my life. See, about 3 months ago he started messaging me. It was fun, innocent internet flirting which then escalated a bit...no need to go into details. But still, it wasn't anything that I thought I'd regret...and I still don't regret that part...but later, I sent him pictures...and I mean like, anything he wanted. More than once, too. Even though I knew better, I did it anyways. I have a career to think about, and these pictures could absolutely destroy it, if gotten into the wrong hands. I ignored this though, thinking that because he lives like 900 miles away and doesn't know anyone or really anything about me, even if these pictures made their way around his friends, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. And I think this is still probably true. And even though he's the biggest douche bag I've ever met, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would intentionally hurt someone...but hey, I mean I don't really know the guy, so who knows? But the part I hate most is thinking about him seeing me that way...I don't sleep around or anything, and actually I'm still a virgin. No guy has ever seen me the way this random, manipulative, jackass has. And I can't blame him for what happened, though I'd like to, because at the end of the day, I'm still the one that took my clothes off for him. He's awful, but hardly culpable for my actions. I could have said no. I wanted to say no. But I didn't. And now he's seen me. All of me. I hate this so much. I can't verbalize it. I hate him, and knowing that he looks at those pictures but never wonders about me, who I really am or what I'm doing, disgusts me. Like I said, words can't really describe it. I keep telling myself that it could have been worse, which it could've. But it still sucks, and I'm so mad at myself. I'm a fairly intelligent person, but sometimes I can be so stupid.
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May 15, 2011