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Regrets Are Lessons Learned

I have regrets as I am sure everyone has at least one. If someone tells you they don't have one single regret, I would say that is their way of saying "I don't want to talk about it"or "that's none of your business" ! Regrets are basically lessons we have learned the hard way while on the journey through life. I often think of regrets as the most painful lessons that I won't soon forget. Every one has a journey to take and we all may have similar experiences, but I think that the lessons that we gain from those are different for each of us. We all have different personalities, beliefs, values, ethics, etc......I have regrets.Some I would change, others I wouldn't change because they are what made me who I am today. The regret that haunts me most is that I didn't stand up for the ones I loved because I was scared. If I had to do one thing over in my life, it would be to prosecute the person that has caused me and others so much pain that it felt like I was being crushed beneath the fear and dread of even coming home from school. My brother has occupied my mind a lot lately and I know why, although he has been deceased for so many years. I feel hat as the eldest of the both of us I should have taken the one opportunity that I look back now and see so clearly when I could have made our lives better, when I could have brought our abuser to justice, but fear stopped me and I can't do anything about that now. I can't prosecute him because sadly the statute of limitations prevents me from doing so. I could not have done so before because I was afraid of losing my children if I tried and they made enough calls to CPS (which they lied every time they called) to show me that they could make life so much more miserable for me than what it had already been. I regret not having the courage to have told the school counselor like I tried so many times to do, but I always stopped right outside the door as images of what would happen if they didn't believe me flashed through my mind. Had I not been literally mortified about what would happen to my younger brother (he was hit and punched in the face, kicked, lifted off the floor by his hair, and abused physically and emotionally that it almost killed me that I could do nothing) I think it would have been easier to have reached inside for the courage that I need to walk through that door. At that time, my little sister had not come along yet and that is where I should have put a stop to his abuse of us, but I was a coward. I knew he was capable of everything he threatened and then some. I look back now and the regret eats at me that I didn't use that opportune time to do what was necessary to stop him. Had I even thought of the possibility that I would have a baby sister in the near future, I would have done what I needed to do BEFORE she came into the picture, but I tucked my tail between my legs and went to the girls bathroom and sit in the stall and cried, on several occasions. When I discovered my mother not only did nothing while the beating was taking place, but that she also knew about the sexual abuse I was having to endure and she still did nothing but act like it wasn't happening, it was like someone reached in and ripped my heart from my chest. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating. That day will forever remain in my memory even if I have Alzheimers, I will still remember this day and the look on her face. My brother was killed in an auto accident in 1989, and I have been left to wonder if this pervert ever sexually abused him as well. I wouldn't have ever wondered about that until my own son came to me and told me that the old man once "tried to feel him up" and he won't talk about it any more than that, he swears it was the only time it ever happened, because he threatened to tell me and his teacher at school if he ever done that again. My youngest is the type of kid that he doesn't lie for anyone or about anyone, he tells it like it is. He didn't tell me about this until I had finally cut all ties with them, and I know it was difficult for him to do so. I WANTED TO KILL THAT PERVERT SO BAD THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS, until I realized he would win again as I would just be putting him out of his misery and I would likely get the death penalty for first degree murder. He has already taken too much from me. Then another thought crept into my mind, all of the times he took my little brother "hunting" and let him skip school when "mother"had to work, I wonder (very angrily) if he sexually abused my brother. However, I will never know because he is not here for me to ask. This is why I encourage all children that I talk to that if anyone regardless of who they are, touches them wrong or makes them feel dirty in any way, to tell a teacher, a counselor, a police officer, tell everyone. I still have nightmares because of what I lived through and with to this very day. I can talk about it openly now though the pain is still there. Thank you for your time. I am sorry that I kept talking but I just could not stop today. It feels very good to get it out every chance I get. God Bless You.
TwilightDream TwilightDream 36-40, F Apr 7, 2012

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