Weird, Heartbreaking Experience

It started at a concert at school where I was hanging out with a friend that used to go to the same school as I did, but has left two years ago. I hadnt seen her for a long time, so we had quite a lot to talk about. We were just walking around a bit when we walked into a few old classmates of hers, one short, dark haired boy and a taller one with dark blond curls. That evening we had a great time with him and his friend, and when we spoke to each other on msn again the next day, we found out we had a lot in common. During the time after that we grew closer, just as friends I thought. But after short time things started to get a little more flirtatious, which I tried to stop as much as possible. To me he was just the kind of person I'd want to be my best friend. I have to admit I liked him at first, but after a few weeks I realized it was just the same feeling I had towards my friends; the I-care-about-you feeling I have known almost all my life. Besides that I didn't think he had taken those flirtatious things too serious, because I hadnt done that either. I was never intended to hurt him.

About a month after our first meeting we had a party at school. He knew me and my friends were planning on having a few beers before we would go to the party, and because he wasnt planning on going, he told me to take good care of myself and please be careful if I would have too much alcohol. I told him he was being cute but ridiculous because I had never had much alcohol in my life and wasnt planning on having much that evening either.
So, I went. Me and my friends went to some guy's house(some guy most of us didnt even know yet) and had fun. What was meant to stay just a beer for fun turned out(in my case) to be 3 beers, 1 glass of cola mixed with whiskey and almost half a bottle of some pink substance I dont even remember the name of. How surprising, I got just a little(*cough*) tipsy. I didnt really care at the moment, I felt awesome and I didn't even remember the what I had been told the evening before. I didnt realize why he said that, and I'm kind of happy and at the same time kind of sad I didnt.
That night I had my first kiss. It came from a guy who had been a close friend of mine for a while now, and had been the boyfriend of one of my friends before, but they had broken up a while before that. I truly liked him, and he truly liked me, as we found out the day after(that evening we werent really in a state that allows you to think). I was happy I guess.

The morning after I woke up at my friend's house. Me and two other friends had stayed the night there, and I felt a little confused because of the kiss I had shared with someone I thought would stay just a friend. I had had feelings for him before but I had pushed those away, thinking they were gone. But now that those feelings had violently struck me again I was kinda shattered. I didnt know what to do or what to say to him.
And then I got an sms from Aljosha(hes Russian, thats where his name comes from), who had told me to be careful and seemed to be truly worried about me now. He asked me if I was okay. I told him I was fine, and because I thought he was just my friend, I told him about my kiss.

He freaked. He was devastated. At first he got really angry with me, a few hours later he apologized for that and told me he loved me. I felt so awful. I was convinced I was a terrible person and at the same time I didnt even know why. I had hoped we could be friends, and I thought he saw me the way I saw him. But he didnt.
Because I was scared to hurt him even more I didnt tell him when I got together with the guy that kissed me the night before, so he had to hear it from a friend. After that we had a HUGE fight because he said I had played him on purpose, I was a **** and so on. I was hurt and said I hated him. We didnt speak to each other for a long time.

Now I think weve silently made up, cuz we speak again. But I still wonder where it went wrong though. I miss him terribly sometimes, because I want things to be the way they were before.

Straykitty Straykitty
18-21, F
Jul 25, 2007