The Stuggle of An Artist

I relapsed, my drug of choice was crack cocaine, and alcohol.  I entered a rehab group a few weeks ago and Ive been learning alot.  At first I was struggling with talking about my emotions especially guilt, which is ironic because i can express my feelings fluently sonically on the guitar. (my other drug) I think I struggled with this because i wear the maco man mask and its hard to tear that mask off.  I entered rehab for my wife and for my music, both of which iI hold dear to me to an obsessive extent.  The cousellors kept trying and trying to drill into my head that I need to do this for myself, this involves "loving yourself" (quite the concept eh?)  I remember during a counselling appointment I had made a suggestion that my father be present for our next scheduled one on one appointment, and when asked why i thought this was a good idea i stated that it wasnt for a selfish reason, so in turn my counsellor (60 yr old lady) slapped me and said I need to be selfish this is my recovery, as well she informed my that she feared I wasnt doing enough to help myself in the group.  This caught me off guard ; I show up for the meetings, I share my stories , I listen to the other guys, and try to help them as best as I can.  So she boggled my mind to say the least so dtermined to change her mind I conceive a plan using a tool I learned from 'Roads to recovery', this excercise is simple , look at yourself in the mirror and honestly tell yourself that you love yourself.  Well to be honest this approach seemed to awkward for me (I still havent tryed it) but when i got home after the awakening provoked by the slap I realized that these wonderful people give us the tools to achieve inner peace but these tools sometimes need to be customized to fit your comfort level.  So what I did is I started a txt file and wrote as the title Reasons I Love Myself, and I just sat there thinking it would take an hour to come up with one thing, but I fiiled a page of things about myself that I honestly love (ex. Im very empathetic, Im a hard worker etc.) and now I can finally say thank the good lord that I'm in this for myself.  I LOVE MYSELF!  so I dealt with that and I had/have an issue with guilt/shame whenever a flashback to a certain **** up or embarrassing moment would hit me I would blurt out "I should die" "Im worthless" then i would turn of the thought.  This was my way of coping with it.  This created a disorder I call mental tourettes.  While in group on day this was the topic guilt/shame and I didnt voice my input in fact I was mad incredibly mad and I couldnt understand why.   It wasnt until later when I told my wife this that we came to the conclusion that I got mad because my brain would rather that emotion the guilt/shame so in an unhealthy way it was protecting my.  My wife knew about the 'tourettes' problem and while we were on the topic my wife suggested when i felt the 'tourettes' thing coming on to force my self back into that memory, or face it and think of why I felt bad, what I could of done differently, or just realize that it wasnt really that bad of a thing.  Well in this case she was right and I found myself eager to bring up more supressed memories and fight through them. I must of done this for at least an hour.  Let me tell you I slept like a baby after that it was like meditating. Anyways I hope this will help someone who is reading this but this isnt why I write tonight. I had a relapse and truthfully am still going through it.  Its frusterating because I now feel more guilty because I've aquired some tools to help cope but the demon took hold.  I didnt return to my drugs of choice but with sobriety comes the emotional rollercoaster which I m having a hard time with so I choose to self medicate with downers........I actually overdosed this weekend and have been sneaking them ever I must say that im proud I didnt drink (which was my main problem) but there is still obvious issues at hand, so if neone can relate or add insight on how to control this rollercoaster that would be a gift from god.  You can contact me on this site but i prefer email which is


reichofthedead reichofthedead
22-25, M
1 Response Mar 12, 2009

im pretty much in the same boat. I use rock too and everytime i try to quit i just use something else. addiction is addiction so regardless of what it is... if your using an upper your using if your using a downer your using your just replacing one addiction with another.... i was just clean for a month and just blew it and now feel worse than ever... but out of that pain and dissapointment i feeling surprisingly better all of a sudder as i realize that the fact that i f'd up and am feeling horrible depressed and guilty and overwhelmed is most like the reinforcement i need to stay clean.... using these last couple days wasnt worth it ... the high isnt worth the lows remember that...... just think if using drugs was the right thing for your life than you wouldnt be proud of yourself when your clean..