Help Needed

Thanks in advance

Well, about 3 1/2 years ago, I was dating a guy named Larry. We had an on and off relationship for almost 1 year. In the midst of our failing romance, a friend of mines introduced me to her friend named Noah. At the time, Noah was in a relationship. Not quite similiar to mine, but he often hinted how he wanted out. As time grew, I developed feelings for Noah. Nothing too big, but I liked him. Larry was still my boyfriend, but push came to shove and he broke up with me. When Noah found out, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. Apparently he wasn't in his relationship anymore, so this was okay with me.

We dated and it was fun. I loved it. He was everything Larry was not. Nice, charming, sweet and kind. He listened to me and within our few weeks of dating he tells me he loves me; and i said it back. I felt it. I loved him too. Finally, a relationship where I'm genuinely happy. Yes, I ******* loved Noah. When word got out about us, Larry and a few of our mutual guy friends didn't like the idea. I had been friends with those guys for a long time coming, and their opinion meant everything. Larrys - not so much. But, nonetheless, I stayed with him. He was so ******* in love.

But along the edges of our relationship, I began to miss Larry. I didn't convey these feelings to Noah because he was happy. I was for the most part, but my past kept haunting me. Larry and I began to talk. Nothing serious. Just a cordial hi/by, but deep down I wanted to see if there was anything left there between us before I fully commit myself to Noah. I had to. I couldn't be with this amazing man and still wonder what-if with Larry. To let Noah go lightly, I told him I needed time to myself to sort things out and he begged me not to leave; but I had to. I felt like I did. About a week later, I begin another relationship with Larry. It lasted about 2weeks and we both agreed that it was best we move on. Noah caught wind of us being together and hated me. To him, he thought I was being a ***** and just ******* with his feelings but in reality, I had to do what I had to do.

So, let's fast foward about 2 years ago. I kind of have this lingering feeling when it comes to him because I knew for sure we could/would of had something good. I called him. Random, I know. But I wanted to know how he was. We talked. He sounded bitter; angry. We didn't talk anymore. The year after that, I do the same thing. Call. He sounds the same, so I lose contact with him. It's been about a 2 year cycle.
So, about a few months ago, I find him on a site we both frequent on. He came to my page (visitor) and I went to his. No words were exchanged. I finally get the balls to send him a message; so I do. I tell him "I know it's ******* weird or tiring that I get in contact with him every year, or so but I'm sorry for the trouble I put you through and I really didn't mean to hurt you. I just had to see..." He tells gives me his number. He tells me that if I want to get in contact with him, to use that number. Okay. I did. Apprehensive at most, but I did.

When I questioned his motives, he said that if he didn't want to talk to me, he wouldn't have gave me his number. He said that he was curious to hear what I had to say, and that if I wanted to be friends " " it would be fine... and that he forgave me but he didn't forgive. He said I didn't give him a reason to forgive me.

So, I'd text him every so often. Nothing major. Small talk. He'd never text me first though. And when I can tell he gets kind of frustrated with me texting him or something, I'd leave him alone for a few months and return only to text him randomly like before. So about 2 months ago, I asked him why do I have to text you every few months, and he replies that he doesn't know I stop texting him. He that he wonders why I stop but thinks its nothing and forgets about it.

We occasionally had sex. No more than 3 times during our few month quarrell.

One night, I told him that I'm not sure of it, but I think I still have feelings for you. He told me why am I not sure? And if that's the case, why do you get in contact with me if you don't miss me? I told him it's to protect my feelings because you're an *** and I know you don't feel the same way. He told me he can't lie and say he doesn't have feelings for me and misses me. So I asked him; so we still have feelings for each other? He replies yes.

So, a few days after that, we kind of get into our infamous arguments about absolutely nothing and we stop talking for about a month.

I text him back. We talk. Same thing.

So the day before the 4th of July, I asked him why doesn't he ever text me first, and he replies that he "never" texts a female first and all this bullshit. I stop texting him that day because it was just a bunch of mumbo jumbo crap that I refused to partake in.

The next day, he texts me "Happy Halloween". I reply back "Yep, Happy Kwanzaa" and he then asks me if I'm happy. I say happy about what? He says "happy that I texted you first". I say "oh, I guess that brought a little sunshine my way" and he says "see, that **** didn't even matter"... And I'm like, it did. sorry. it did. We continued talking that day.

So, this is where I'm at. I'm not sure how I feel. I refuse to think good thoughts when it comes to him because I don't want my feelings hurt or jinx the situation. I don't talk to him everyday, almost every other day. I know for sure he's not in a relationship. I may still want to rekindle something, but I'm not sure where his head is at or if he cares.

Could someone please be honest with me and tell me what to do. 

LoverFly LoverFly
18-21, F
Jul 25, 2010