I Love You.

Hey guys.. You probably haven't seen me before but that's okay. You'll learn to either love me or hate me.. A bit like marmite.

Enough of the introduction shite, i'm no good at it anyway.. I didn't make this to gain fans, I made it to vent- and vent I shall.
Before I go into the story, let me clear a few things up, I won't be using names in this so i'll use initials..
L is my ex-boyfriend, D is my current boyfriend and any other letters you may see i'll explain..

So, me and D got together like a few days ago, I liked him and he liked me. He asked me out and I said okay, why not. Great? Not really. My ex, L and me broke up a few weeks ago. You can't love at my age, they say. But if this isn't that, why am I so unhappy? The truth is, I love L. When he broke up with me, I was in so much pain it actually turned physical. I blamed myself for it, and still do. I love him, I love him, I love him. So, me and D got together and I was really happy, that was until our first kiss. All that was running through my head is that it wasn't right. I brushed it off and ignored it. Soon enough, it turned into everything he does. Even things like holding hands just doesn't seem right because it's not L doing it. I can't stop holding onto the little hope that I have which tells me he loves me too. I don't know why, it just won't stop. The problem? I love him too.

So here I am, in this dilemma which I really can't seem to solve. I suppose I want him to know what I want to say, but what if it hurts me more? I can't risk that. I suppose I want him to read this, just to know how I feel and maybe feel the same too, but I know he won't.
So i'm just going to vent. Vent my feelings and my problems, maybe it'll make it go away. So here goes.

L. You broke up with me, and you know how badly it hurt me. You saw me breakdown infront of you, you saw me practically screaming out because I wanted you back so much. None of that has changed, i've just gotten more discreet about it. I love you and eveything anout you. You keep telling me to move on, but I can't. I keep feeling like I have, but really it's just a disguise because my body can't handle that much pain. Time and time again my body seems to sink into a depression that won't go away until I feel the hope that I might have you back. I know I treat you bad. I know i'm a ***** to you. Maybe it was just my fault I pushed you away so much you were at the edge. I don't even know why I do things like that, because I didn't want you away. I wanted you to stay but I just don't know how to show that. L, every thing I do seems to remind me of you. Whether it's wearing certain clothes, hearing certain songs, I can't get you off my mind. You've told me sp many times you'd never get back with me, so why am I holding onto the hope you are? I love you. You're my entire world and I don't understand how I was stupid enough to let you go. I only got with D to try and replace you, to replace the love you gave me, but it's impossible. He's not you. He will never be you. I love you, L. Why did you leave me? I promised you i'd change, I promised i could be better. But obviously i'm not the one for you, even if this pain seems to never end. They say it gets easier but trust me, it just gets harder. Whenever I see you I seem to get worse and I don't know why this hurts so much. I die everytime I see you. I get jealous of other girls, because I could never forget the times we shared. I love you, I love you, I love you.

There it is. The content of my heart. I can honestly say there's nothing left to say because i've said it all. All I can do now, is hope that it gets easier, even though I know it won't. You tell me you'd never get back with me, am I not good enough? That's how it feels. That's how I feel whenever I look you in the eyes like I used to. Remember those times? I won't ever forget. I love you.
intendedmistake intendedmistake
18-21, F
Sep 15, 2012