Used By My Husband? Sure Feels Like It.

i feel like a bad person. I married my husband 4 years ago. Seems like 20. Second marriage for both. We're middle aged. Each have a child in high school.

When I met my husband he was self-employed and living with his elderly parents. I thought he was taking care of them. I own my own home and had a steady and decent job when I met my H.

I also feel stupid.

After a couple months of friendship and several months of a romance my H started staying overnight at my house. Around the same time my H's sister decided their parents needed to move. I had noticed he was leaving some of his stuff at my house. I'm kind of conservative and didn't want to llive together. I felt it wasn't stable for our kids.

Also around that time I lost my job. I was able to make ends meet doing contract work and was hired a few months later by a former employer. My H (we weren't married yet) helped a little but not much. I know his business was tough but assumed he was getting by.

So, we quietly got married.

Then I learned-his business was suffering because he couldn't stay organized enough to do the work. He was driving without insurance. He was living with his parents because the house he and his ex had owned was being foreclosed on....and he had no health insurance.

So. I insured his truck. Put him and his daughter on my health insurance an continued to support myself and pay all the bills. After several months pf struggling I had to insist he get a regular job

To his credit, he did. Turns out he's a good employee. Unfortunately he's very picky about what employment he'll take. So his hourly wage is less than $10/hr. He has a college degree.

He kept that job for two years. I thought, okay-this is going to work out. He can do the house repairs etc. Cover his own costs and I'll pay the bills since I make a lot more.

That didn't happen. My house now looks like a pig sty. Very little gets repaired and I can't afford to support H and his daughter AND pay someone to take on those projects.

So I insisted he find a better paying job. To his credit, he did. But they work a lot of overtime and after one week he says he has to find something else.

In the meantime I started working a second job.

I am at my wit's end. I resent him so much.

Now he is always talking about how he has no time to "pursue his dreams" of doing some kind of creative work. But he wasn't pursuing them anyway. He acts like such a victim. I hate it and feel used.

I'm not exactly pursuing my dreams.

What does this sound like? I'd appreciate some opinions.
TransientMe TransientMe
46-50, F
2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

it sounds like you didn't know too much about him before you got married. if you are unhappy, change things. try talking first and if that doesn't work, he's gotta go

Honest ~ It sounds like your are detaching yourself from him and I bet he has no clue? You have to find the right words that he can understand. You use the word resent and to me that is borderline hate or getting disgusted by him? Unfortunately if he is not happy at work the mood at home is going to be horrible so maybe getting a new resume in order may be best so he can find a job that pays more and he can stick too.

Absolutely, I am detaching. I'm not happy about it. And I do resent him and it does feel like hate. But mostly it feels like a waste.

I wrote the following today after watching him throw a fit about something that he had gotten himself into....just one bad decision after another. I hate feeling like I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I don't feel relationships are disposable. But I am going out of my freaking mind.

I feel like my life was so simple when I was single. I got lonely sometimes. But I am feeling trapped and like I failed. Poor pitiful me, right? Geez. I don't even like who I've become. I know I am depressed.

This is how I feel. Just have to vent. Thanks for listening.

"I can't take it anymore. You are ******* chaos. I cannot navigate the maze of your reasoning, judgment and actions.

Your words are sweet but the endless trail of paper bits to be recycled, random screws that end up in the dryer door hinge, spoiled food and trash stuffed in random places, inability to keep up with everyday details and responsibilities are crushing me with their disorder.

Your lack of boundaries for space and things is infuriating. Your unwillingness to supportively part with an expense that provides you with leisure is disgusting. Your lack of self control when stressed is troubling.

I want a clean slate. An empty room. A clean house. A manicured yard."

I can't even figure out why he acts like he does. I suspect he's really ADD. He's not a bad person. Wouldn't cheat, doesn't run around, etc. He just cannot accomplish anything it seems. And he does not understand my frustration.

Maybe I'm too demanding. Too angry.

It would be so much easier to be alone. I'll even take on the little debts we have alone. I can't trust that he'd take care of his part anyway.

I guess I'm done. Very sad.

Venting is good!! You know when your with some 4 yrs and seems like 20 Its doesn't seem like a good outcome. He def living a woe is me life which is very negative and living with someone who is negative can make that person negative angry ~ Its like the person who complains everyday that they feel sick but never go to the doctor! Do you love him? Enough to work it out? His daughter is that a good relationship with you? How do she feel about her dads behavior?
I think you need to regroup yourself ~ List what needs to be changed and slowly communicate with him and remember and pick you battles let the little things go!