On-Going Process Of An Ended EngagementMy boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and fiance of two months and I called it all off last night. It's something that I have been struggling over since a week after he popped the question. It's been such a jumble of emotions and heart-break that I'm not even sure where to start. I suppose the beginning...
We have had a wonderful relationship since day one. We were always so open and comfortable with each other. He is the most beautiful (and I mean it ladies...he's smoking hot) man I'd ever met, and he understood me like no one else. He is in the Army, so we've had to deal with living an hour apart since I've been in grad school, and he's been deployed once (for four months). He is currently deployed again. Throughout our relationship there were a few times when I'd think 'I don't know if I love him as much as he loves me', or 'I'm not sure if this is it', but I'd always wave it off as me just being me. (I have a history commitment issues).
The month before we got engaged I feel like he spoke out loud to me some of his character traits that I was concerned about. He wasn't very outgoing and found most people to be obnoxious. Let's be honest. most are, but you play along in order to be around those who aren't. He also had an overall pessimistic and cynical outlook on life, but then again I did too. It wasn't until around the time we got engaged that he told me he was happy being who he was and that he didn't feel the need to 'look on the brighter side'. I started to worry that he would eventually drag me down since I myself struggle with being positive. The final thing was our differences in spirituality. For the majority of our relationship we were both fine with going to church on Sunday and just praying to God for the safety and health of our families, or help on a difficult exam. It wasn't until a month ago that I decided I wanted to get serious with my walk with God. I didn't and still don't know exactly what that means, but I'm curious and I want to explore that. When I told him he was very angry and confused. He told me he didn't want me to change and that he didn't know what this meant for us. I knew he was reacting out of fear but it still showed me that we were in different places.
Around that time I had a major melt-down. I'm talking crying constantly, couldn't eat or get out of bed, crazy shakes, the works. I think at that point I knew deep down that I wasn't going to marry him. I prayed and pleaded with God to help me be sure and love him enough, but as the weeks passed it became clear to me that that wasn't going to happen. I started seeing a therapist to deal with the anxiety and depression all of this was causing.
One week ago my ex-fiance (man that hurts to type) and I had a long conversation over the phone. I told him that I was having some serious issues, but that I wanted to wait until he got home to discuss it and that we could see a couples counselor. He didn't like that idea (and frankly I didn't either). So last night as we were rehashing out the fact that I wanted him to try and be more positive, and he wanted me to revert back to my two-months-ago self, I finally told him that we were at an impasse and that there was no compromise to reach. I couldn't even get the words that I wanted to end things out of my mouth, but he knew what was happening. It's like all of a sudden a veil was lifted and he was no longer angrily accusing me of tanking our relationship. He told me that he loved me and that all he wanted was for me to be happy and that if he couldn't do it then we needed to end things.
This morning I got a message from him telling me how sorry he was for blaming me this whole time and that he loved me and supported me even though we were over. He told me that he never expected me to stick around as long as I did, and that he was a better man for knowing me. I think that really broke my heart all over again.
Today has been the worst of it. I feel like it would be so much easier if there was some big problem that I could hold onto as the reason for our split, but there isn't. There were small things that added up, but ultimately the fact that I just couldn't get peace and excitement about our engagement spoke loudly to me.
I miss him so much and just want to run back to him, but I fear that if I did, a few months from now I'd get the same feelings that something isn't right and I'd have to break both of our hearts all over again. I feel such guilt and remorse that it's almost unbearable. I can't believe I've hurt this man that I have given everything to for over two years. I can't believe that I'll never see his family again (I'm closer with them than some of my own). I hope that I've made the right decision. I like facts. I'm not used to listening to my heart, and let me tell you, I don't like it one bit.
I'll try to post updates as time passes. Over the past month I have searched the internet for someone who has gone through this and was hard pressed for a story like mine. Many engagements have ended, but there was usually some big red flag.
I suppose it's time I tell my friends and take his pictures off my wall.