IT Never Ends.

It has been nearly ten years since i left the home where my life was altered. Abused in my sleep/awake for 8 years. My healing has taken for what seems to be for ever. As soon as i left home i began having what others told me what sounded like night terrors. Screaming for someone to get off me. Dreams i never could remember.

These days i remember my dreams.. every night. Always about being out of control of what is happening to me. Many times about my step father. I hope to someday dream about all that happend in my sleep that i wasn't quite there for. I only awakend a few times. Not knowing makes me crazier.

He molested my grandmother as well. The police report read that she thought he was her boyfriend... she had alzheimers... he stated that he would ********** on her. I can't imagine. Some times i hurt more for her than i do my self.

Only because i dont know it all.

It really never ends. Nightmares every night....

26-30, F
5 Responses Jan 29, 2007

I completely understand what you mean about feeling more for your grandmother's trauma than your own. I did/do this too. I think it's easier to project our own emotions about experiences like this, and try to comfort other victims because it somehow also feels like we're comforting ourselves.<br />
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And Sierra, I've had olafactorous hallucinations forever - I hallucinate that I smell my father. It's more "under control" now, but I used to completely freak out and run outside to try to get away from the scent that my own brain was producing - in other words, I was trying to run away from myself which is a pretty difficult thingt to do :)

I was the same as you I was molested by 3 people(tht I can remember) but the worst of the incidents were hidden from my memory some still are and I also cannot smell. Nothing is wrong with my nose the doc says if I smell some smells it wil trigger too much memory for me to handle. I remember bits and pieces and you will come to it in time if you are meant to. Start healing as best as you know how and if you have kids protect and warn them I warned my kids when they were old enough to listen and that they have always been safe helps me heal.... <br />
take care of you

It breaks my heart.<br />
and it's so common too.<br />
I'm glad that you were able to share your story

thats f ucked up, bab. not knowing is horrifying. always waiting to piece together the parts that you have, not entirely sure whether to trust yourself with it. battle on through, dont let them ruin you.

I hate people who do something like that, It ****** me soooooo off, I'd kill the one who did that to you