What A Year That Was ...

Of course I remember being 17 ...

My best non-romantic friend ditched me on my birthday, telling me he does not know why he still talks to me and to go die and stealing our shared password to a poetry site.
I remember being so affected that the whole summer I would stay up all night and play music on myCD player to help me sleep around 4-8 a.m. I always woke up at noon, 2-3, sometimes 5 p.m. I remember spending the nights writing in my Myspace blog and chatting with a mutual friend. She offered to talk to him for me a couple of times, but I refused her help.
I remember I gave up a lot of my "friendships" that year. Except for my best friend, who I was madly in love with and who, obviously, would not and could not like someone like me. I would look up potential girlfriends for him ... His occasionally sweet words were what kept me sane.
I remember reading books at night. All night long. Venus in Furs, 11 minutes, The Zahir, ... once, I remember laughing so hard about something that I woke my dad at 3 a.m. I remember staying up late due to being depressed and afraid, but taking advantage to watch the sunrise at 5 a.m. every day ... that part was beautiful.
I remember trying to listen to Placebo to help me sleep, but ending up awake and crying because Placebo reminded me of my ex friend...
I remember making plans to kill myself because I was turning 18 and I didn't think I was fit to ever become a functioning adult and member of society. I was scared.
I used to know I'd like to study psychology, but I had such little self-confidence. I did not believe I could live by myself in another city. i did not think I could really manage.

So interesting, to look back ... interesting how what used to be of utter importance and an emergency can fade away or be solved and become a mere memory ... a healed memory.
naranja naranja
26-30, F
Aug 2, 2010