Such A Nice Girl

My first crush (on someone my age) was on a girl in my class at age 9 and her name was Alexandra. I was having a bit of a lonely time at school getting bullied and falling out with my friends. My parents had also recently split so life at home was pretty lonely too. One lunchtime I was just swinging around on the monkey bars when Alex came over to me and started playing on the neighboring bar. She was being really nice asking how I was and teaching me some new moves on the bars. Alex had been in my class since age 5 but this was the first time I had really noticed her. From this point on I began to develop a crush on Alex.

I remember starting to look at Alex in a different light. I craved any moment I got to talk to her or help her out with something in class. The big problem though was that she was going out with the captain of the soccer team and they lived on the same road as each other. He would invite the whole class to his birthday parties and I remember seeing the two of them having the final dance dedicated to them. I would feel a little sick inside when I saw them holding each other and I wished I could be in his place.

Another problem unknown to me at the time was that Alex's best friend Nicola had a crush on me. Nicola and I had kissed at lunchtimes when we were 6 and 7 but nothing really developed from this. The two of them used to play netball at lunchtime when we were 9-11 years old and I regularly took the netball from them and kicked it across the playground. It was very fun for me but I think this is where Nicola's crush on me developed. As long as they were best friends this crush would ensure that nothing developed between me and Alex.

Once we had finished primary school me and Alex moved into the same Secondary School and we happened to be in most of the same classes. I again used every opportunity I could to talk to her and to help her out. I used to sit next to her in History class and she would ask me for tips with her work; I loved being able to interact with her. Both of us soon started to grow up and I begun to be sexually attracted to her. She was very slim and athletic but I still found things about her changing appearance to like. Best of all though was her beautiful face and ever changing hair styles which attracted me ever more to her. Over this time up to the age of 16 I was desperate to tell Alex how much I liked her but I could never figure out how to do it. I should have just bitten the bullet and done it but I never had the courage of self-confidence.

From the age of 16 we started sixth-form and I started to see her less and less because we studied completely different subjects. We did however see each other at school sometimes and at high school parties. When we did meet we chatted about school and home life and we very much enjoyed each other's company.

For her 18th birthday I decided to make a grand gesture to show Alex how much I liked her. I bought her a birthday card and some mini-caramel eggs and gave them to her in the school common room in front of everyone. She was surprised but very thankful for the gift. Nothing happened though for a month until I decided to tell her that I had a crush on her. I made a Bebo quiz and sent it to Alex and Nicola. One of the questions was "Who did I have a crush on at school" and the two answers were Alex and Nicola. Alex selected Nicola for the answer but the quiz told her it was her. She left a comment along the lines of "Aww, I didn't know you had a crush on me" and immediately after receiving this I deleted the Quiz before Nicola could see it.

Unfortunately for me nothing much happened after this. We both spent a lot of time apart studying for our final exams and when I did see her I was afraid of what she might say after finding out about the crush. It wasn't until we received our exam results after I had graduated from high school that I saw her again. We both met up in a pub where we happened to be celebrating with our respected groups of friends. I had a good chat with her about the results and our future plans but that was it. She was there with Nicola as well and I said Hi to her as I passed her going to the bathroom. However this night is the last time I have spoken to her.

Overall this served as a significant lesson to me that I need to take it upon myself to initiate closer relationships with women that I like. After a couple more (often painful) crushes after this one I think I have finally learned this lesson. Alex is now engaged with a man a year older than her and I wish her all the best for her upcoming marriage. It would be nice to meet up with her again but I know that any chance I had with her is long gone. I think Alex may well be better living on in my mind as a nice memory rather than anything worse.