He Wanted To Be A Priest

I've always been the kind of person who knows what she wants; there were lots of times that I acted like a brat to get what I want. I am a daddy's girl so I am spoiled by him.

I am kinda fearless to the core. I relish doing it alone. I work to get what I want, and the fact that I can't get it all the time makes me want it all the more. So, wanting an attention is included? Um..yes.

I met a guy three years ago. He's a surfer so I thought he's cool; out-of-the-box. I made actions for him to notice me like sweet smiles, flipping hairs, being around, and yeah asking him out (which I never did before, shame on me!). I did those to make him eventually fall head over heels in love with me. Making him under my spell? Yay! I was a flirt (not really but to him, I was..) I knew he liked me. Well, sometimes it doesn't need a word; his actions made me feel confident, made me smell success. We became close, friends? Yes. There was nothing physical. It’s kind of a taboo for me especially at that time and he’s not like those guys who would take advantage to a woman, or maybe he was just─ a) being too nice like a gentleman b) taking it slow (getting to know stage) c) playing hard to get (a challenge? hmm.) Whatever it was, I wouldn’t know.

He's totally a great guy. A sweet guy, 100% gentleman, polite, and a smiling-face, he’s too good to be true! Right then and there, I knew he was not just a challenge. I knew I loved him with our every meeting. I see more good things in him with our friendly conversations (which were turning into little sweet sensations, and they're only getting sweeter every time).

Then one Saturday, after telling me that he likes me (finally!), we had a talk about our dreams and aspirations; his plans and my plans in life. He told me he wants to be a priest and he's now preparing his application for entering the seminary in New York! That shocked my world. I remember I almost choked between the food I was taking. I was like, "..so what about me?" but I didn't put it in words like you won’t see any disappointment or hurt in my face nor any kind of emotions though all I wanted that moment was to run away from him and burst from crying.

So what’s the point of liking each other? I said to myself, I won’t even try to convince him to choose me over his dream (but who was I kidding? He was not even saying he’s willing to give it up for anything..and that includes me I assume). I shook my head. I was special but that ends there. But..did he even think about ‘us’? Oh there were no ‘us’ to begin with. That was just a thought. Everything between me and him was all in my imagination. The fact is I was just a friend (maybe a little special, maybe not) and I'll forever remain one.

After the realization, I told to myself “Grow some woman balls (I know there’s no logic at all) I deserve someone better.” And after an hour of tears, I realized, no man worth my tear and no way will I be a drama queen. I composed myself and took my steps..away from him.
 


P.S I was not mad at him, not even a tinge of madness that I felt with all honesty. It was painful (come on, it was my first heartache!) but for the first place he didn’t promise anything. Sometimes, we just have to let people go when they have to go... 
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26-30
Dec 2, 2012