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Nanny And Husband

need your advice please. I have 2 beautiful twin girls, who is 1 year old now, and a wonderful husband. He works in his own business and I am a full time student studying–neither of us are home often or together because of our busy schedules. I got married at 17 and divorced by 18. That guy was cheating on me and when I confronted him, he was so angry and became so abusive. I don’t want this to happen again with my new marriage because we are so happy together. Here is why I wrote because some thing similar is happening to me. My husband and me hired a nanny from the Philippians who has become a very good friend to me–she looks after our little girls and lives with us.

But at different times my husband flirts with her sometimes i pretend I don't see. When they are together in the basement, I just turn the tv loud or cook something for us.

She talked to me it when i asked her if she was OK, and she said it does not bother her that he touches her and all like that begged me to stay because she needed the money and supports her family with it too, they are old and need her help so I let her stay. I promised her I would not send her back. She is so afraid of going back, her parents could send her to a worse part of their city where she may have to sell herself to help support her family. With us she gets her own room, my old car, a good salary, and 2 days off a week. We have become the best of friends since she moved in. She said she would please us and do anything for us. She is very sweet. I do feel weird about it.

I don’t want to lose him and want him to be happy too, she is just a young girl and he may just have a weakness for girls like her. It seems harmless–she is a virgin. I am afraid to confront him. You see my mother told me that she had to put up with my father for our sake and because she valued her family more than sex.

My mother told me that if the girl is a virgin, and she is, I should not worry about STDs or anything else. I should just be a good wife like she was and leave him alone otherwise this husband will leave me too. Mom says he is a good man who comes from a good family, he supports me, i only have a high school degree with some modeling experience.
What if I just let him alone? Allah commanded us girls to submit to our husbands. My mom said the prophet had many wives and slave girls for sex. His wives needed to accept that, and she did with my father and i should too.

I dont know what to do. I just want us to be happy. Please advise,

What harm would it do to keep ignoring it?
I am dependent on him for my support and for my girls too.
Please reply to
jjordan2011@mail.com
jjordan2011 jjordan2011 22-25 9 Responses Jan 12, 2011

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I know It might sound harsh, but I'd suggest you should let your husband have a go on your babysitter with your consent. Maybe he'll have a ride, and some fun, but then the forbidden fruit will not be so much forbidden any more and will loose its temptation. Usually most problems resolve itself if people speak openly about it among eachother. <br />
Having a (sex)slave girl is a charming idea for any man, no matter of which faith, but I think it is a bit out of date by now. However, if you accept your husband's preferences and he does it with your consent, then I see no problem there. Could be he would like to have you both under the blanket as next step. You could suggest it to him and so drive his mid crazy with joy :-) What I say, I mean - honestly.

I really think some of you are being too harsh on the OP. You have got to realize that she is young and from a very repressed culture. Most likely her marriage was arranged and in her circle of people she would be ostracized if the marriage failed, regardless of the reason for the failure. She would also likely lose her children. It is obvious she has issues with what is going on or she wouldn't have posted her story. You can't change they way a person has been programmed to think their entire lives by yelling at them. With sensible comments perhaps you can convince her to take a look at and consider the injustices in her life.

Since you deleted my first comment due to what can only be described as shameful denial on your behalf, I have dual linked your story to highlight the abuse of power of your husband over your employee.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/What-Is-With-These-Muslim-Women-Thinking-It-Is-Acceptable-For-A-Husband-To-Sexually-Exploit-A-Foreign-Worker/347579" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

If he pressures her to have sex with him, under the threat of possibly losing her job, that is actually rape. This is NOT allowed.

Hi Jordan,<br />
<br />
This is a very difficult to give an answer without being to harsh. <br />
<br />
1. Firstly if you have a male nanny would it be alright for you to flirt and touch him (I believe not) what would your husband say to you?<br />
<br />
2.Your nanny is a friend now fantastic find her a new home and still be her friend.<br />
Time to employ someone he would not flirt with.<br />
<br />
3. Your Mother persivered with your Father how happy was she and do you want this life for you and the girls?<br />
<br />
4. Jealous feelings of course you have you are human, sexy and caring these feelings will never change unless you make the change STOP enough is enough!!!<br />
<br />
OR hire a gardener and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Hi HunSwe,<br />
<br />
It bothers me that I have jealous feelings. That is why I am posting. I just want to learn to live with it.<br />
<br />
Jordan

Your mother gave you bad advice. The prophet lived a long time ago and maybe back then it was okay for men to have slave girls for sex but it is not okay in this day and age. She is a young girl hoping to keep her job so she doesn't have to return home and become a prostitute. Of course she will do anything to make you or your husband happy. Would a loving God really tell you to submit to another person even if it would make you unhappy? I am sorry that just doesn't make sense to me. In my world men are no better than women and have no power to control us. Just because your mother tolerated your father cheating does not mean that you need to repeat that. At some point you have to stand up for both yourself and this young Philippino girl and say "Enough! What you are doing isn't right"!<br />
<br />
Would you really be happy if both of them were okay with having sex? Is that fair to you? Is that fair to your children? I think it is time to break the cycle and let your husband know that you are uncomfortable with him flirting with the nanny. If it didn't bother you, you never would have posted your story here.

Hi HunSwe,<br />
<br />
The nanny is not uncomfortable with him. I talked to her. She is OK with it.<br />
I just want us to have a happy home.<br />
Do you understand?

I was wondering why the hell you were staying with him until I saw your religious affiliation at the bottom. Unfortunately for you in your culture women are taught to be accepting of their husbands discretions. You should never allow yourself to be treated like that. You deserve better. Tell him he needs to stop now because the nanny is uncomfortable with his advances. It is truly disgusting that he is taking adavntage of a young girl that is away from her home and family. I think that says a lot about what kind of person you are married to. I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear. And I am sorry for you, the nanny, and your children.