Something That Can't Be Expressed In a Simple Title

I must say I used to feel like I'd never have a boyfriend, much less be kissed. I'm an introvert, profound (which means I want kissing to mean something, I wouldn't give a kiss just for the sake of it), and just keep to myself, usually.

The first people I fell in love with were fictional characters when I was a kid... I would mime kissing them, but that wasn't the real thing. My first true love was a teacher and we never had a relationship, nor did we ever kiss.

My first kiss was with the second man I fell in love with, my first (and current) boyfriend. It happened when I was 19 and a half years old, but I'm glad it happened then... this way, it was very special and with someone I truly love.

I met my boyfriend online, four years ago (actually, my "special day" on EP is the anniversary of the day I met him for the first time). Ironically, I was hopelessly looking for my first love on the Internet... it was a crazy time, I had no one close and felt like I was worth nothing and had nothing to live for. I was looking for my first love in all the wrong ways... and I found this man who didn't know him. Back then I used to randomly add a lot of people to my IM friends lists... so I added him and chatted a bit anyway. I distinctly remember that, after chatting with this particular man, I thought he was nicer than the others and that I definitely hoped to chat with him more. & we did! Pretty much daily. It took me a month or two to realize he was a good friend... and another to fall head-over-heels for him. He was very intelligent, wrote correct English, had musical talent and multiple interests, was a nice conversationalist and a friendly person, and offered me help in a situation I was desperate about. I felt good with him (at a time that I really didn't feel good otherwise). He was honest, shared some of my core beliefs and values, didn't mind my age (he was 33 and I was 16). Now, the age difference was a problem, I knew he didn't want a long-distance relationship, and I was still dealing with my first love/heartbreak. We were just friends...

Fast forward. One day, when I was 18, one thing led to another and he asked if he could see me naked on the webcam... by that time, it wasn't the butterfly-in-stomach infatuation anymore, we were close friends and I truly loved him. So.. we became something more. He called it friends with benefits for a while, though for me it was much more. He too admitted it was more than just the sexual things. Finally, following my invitation, he flew over the ocean to come visit me for a week. It was so indescribable... I was so ******* scared of the worst, I was afraid he wouldn't like me in person, I was wondering if I could still love him in person, ... To top it off, his plane had a delay, plus he was pretty much the last one to come off and into the waiting room. That was torture - first, my heart beat so fast and hard, that with each beat I seriously thought I would suffer a stroke... and after about half an hour of that and looking around for him, my eyes also went nuts (I have a bit of a crossed-eye problem and it gets terrible when I look intently at things for a long time).

Then, there he was... I recognized him immediately, though I was scared I might not (I knew I had to recognize him after all the pictures and video conferences, but I couldn't help how I felt). At first, I must admit I was *very* taken aback (to the point that for a moment there I thoughtlessly wondered if I had made a mistake) about his height... I knew how tall he was, but for a non-spacially-inclined girl like myself, seeing is understanding... and there I was, with the man who was my closest friend and pretty much whom I considered my boyfriend, also *the* tallest man I had ever met. I felt a bit odd and even shy and he seemed a little similar too, so I was very thankful for my mom who drove us home and made conversation. At home, he talked to my parents a bit. The two of us sat together and we talked... He came into my room at some point, looking at it and my things in it. I kept trying to match this very tall man I had in front of me for the first time, to the man I had shared my secrets with, been naked with, had had arguments and made up with, who gave me support and forgave me and was so very close to me. I'm not sure how many people have been through this, but it is quite surreal. He asked me for a booklet in simple Romanian; I gave him the giftbook for a special daughter that my parents had given me a couple years ago and assisted him in trying to read aloud. We were sitting together and that is the closest we had been physically ever since I'd greeted him at the airport. Eventually, after taking a shower, he went to sleep, as he had been awake for 30 hours and couldn't really sleep on the plane. I retired to my room, read a little from a novel, aware that my dearest man was finally in my home but still partially feeling like I was having a guest over, and then went to sleep at about 9 p.m.

But, since that was early for me and I was stressed (I had gone to sleep wondering if I would even find the courage to hug him or kiss his cheek in the week he would live with us...), I woke around midnight with a headache that kept worsening, even though I kept telling myself I couldn't afford going into the kitchen to look for a painkiller, as he had left his door ajar and I didn't want to be noisy and wake him. I had been laying in bed trying to fall back asleep and failing for two hours, when I heard someone go to the bathroom; I listened closely and found it must have been him, as the person turned on the fan and none of us do that when they go into the bathroom (it was also my bathroom, which my parents do not use). So, glad I could break my painful silence, I got up dressed like that, in my blue pjs with sheep drawn all over, went to the kitchen, and started looking for a painkiller. After a minute, it became pretty obvious that I wasn't going to find anything, but I kept fumbling through the meds basket, waiting for my love to show up... He finally did and saw me in the kitchen. I went to the living room where he slept and asked if he couldn't sleep; I was right. He had his light on and wasn't going back to sleep for a while. We started talking and I mentioned how I had lain awake in bed for about as long as he had, that I had a headache, ... I ended up sitting on the couch beside him. He put an arm around me and then I put an arms around him, too. I looked at him - we really looked like friends in that position. I started relaxing a bit. He stood up, went to his luggage, and got out a gift for me. I was feeling both shy and afraid about not showing gratitude, but this was the exact excuse I had been waiting for. With a thank-you, I slowly approached him and wrapped him in a hug. He hugged back, very tightly (which I thoroughly enjoyed); as I relaxed in his arms, I even kissed him on the cheek (heck, I do that with lots of people if they give me gifts, right?).. Then, I went into my room to bring my own gift for him, marveling at what had been happening as I went. He opened it and seemed quite happy with it, then, as I had done, leaned toward me giving me a hug and kissed me... Now, I still wonder if he had meant to do it on the lips, as his kiss on my cheek was unusually wet.

As the time went on, I relaxed more and more. We talked... We gave each other back rubs (the funniest was when I told him his t-shirt was sort of in the way of my hands, and he took it off; man, was I feeling shy!) I remember looking at him lying on the couch right beside me... he had been watching me, claiming to "check me out" so I felt entitled to do the same. I was actually sort of trying to grasp the concept that he was actually there with me, real, in person, and take in every aspect of his face. He said I looked as if I wanted him to kiss me, to which I replied that I was just checking him out, as well. He, unfortunately, seemed to give up, which I really didn't want... so I nervously said I wondered how I must have looked, to which he whispered "like this" and slowly approached my face with his. Seriously, it really seemed like forever. At a certain point, I realized he wanted to kiss me. Later, I realized he was actually going to, but I was afraid to sketch any move... I waited for him to reach me and I kissed back. Somehow, it's funny how much all those years of daydreaming about a kiss helped me... We kissed and I had no problem and then he started to French kiss me and I had no problem with that, either. The way I experienced it was amazing... I had so many thoughts, sensations, and emotions. He tasted salty, not at all like I had "expected" a kiss to taste... but his tongue was sweet... It was a bit like I was dreaming, I literally felt overwhelmed and it exhausted me a lot, I had to stop a couple times. At some point I realized I had never been that intimately close with anyone, physically. Then, I realized it was my first kiss and wondered if he knew it too. Then, I realized that this first kiss was with the man I loved! This was definitely not normal, human time that clocks can measure... around the end of our kiss, I noticed that I was a soft little kissing thing that barely moved her lips, so I raised my hand and caressed his hair.. but, as soon as we stopped, I collapsed beside him (didn't faint, but barely helped it). I could barely move. He asked about my headache and I told him he was the best painkiller.We spent another two hours or so talking, cuddling (he's a teddy bear!), doing sensual stuff, and joking. Then, as we decided to go to sleep, I leaned over and gave him a goodnight hug and kissed him both on the mouth and cheek (this time, I was still dizzy but not as much).

I don't know if he can imagine how this felt for me... it was incredible. I think and hope that I will never forget it. Also, I am very happy that my first kiss has been with such a special guy whom I love so much.

naranja naranja
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2009

Wow.....this is so beautiful!

I perfectly agree! :) Thanks for your comment.

So exquisitely tender... Too often, impatience leads to vulgar disappointment. Lust has its place. But the first kiss should be gentle, yet ardent... and cherished forever. :)