My Broken Heart

yes as many 'first love' stories go - mine wasnt a happy ending....contrary to popular hollywood movies....first loves do not usually end in "forever bliss".

my first love was truly my first everything.....first year out of highschool - and he was my first love, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first.....yeah everything.....

i fell head over heels and he was so beautifully romantic.  he wrote me the sweetest letters and put so much thought into everything he made or gave me.  as time went on, however, our relationship began to strain.  i ended up giving away the one thing i wanted to save for marriage, and it nearly killed that instant i went from wanting to be with him - to NEEDING to be with him.  i became insecure, jealous, and a general emotional wreck.  i needed him to validate my mistake, and he wasn't about to do that.  however, he had promised to marry me, so i dug my heels in and decided to hang in "till the end" - and hang in i did.

our relationship got worse and worse....we argued every day, he used to yell so loud....i cried all the time....i was never happy.  he became more and more distant, and i became more and more desperate.  in that time i had two miscarriages - both from stress - and in the end tried to take my own life.  the only reason i didn't was because i couldn't find a good enough way. 

then i suddenly realized i was about to become another statistic....just another number in the list of girls who take their own lives because they don't understand how truly beautiful they were created to be.  i realized that i had come to see myself through the eyes of a man.....when he told me i was beautiful, i felt beautiful, and when he told me i was stupid, i felt stupid.  i realized that the only way i should allow myself to look at myself was through the eyes of the one who created me.

i was at the end of heart was soul was crushed, and i was lifeless inside....see if you can be at a place where you are willing to kill are already dead inside.  i came back to God - and hung on to HIM for dear life.....

and i tell you the truth....i am beautiful because i know he created me that way....i am strong because of His strength in me....i can conquer mountains because HE says i can....God Almighty....will never leave me or forsake me.....

girls i promise you.....what you think a powerful woman is, what you think a beautiful woman is.....has nothing on what God had for you when he first thought of you, and still desires to help you do now.

anyways that was my first love....painful....but brought me back to the heart of my true Father.....

feel free to leave a comment

much love to all my sistas


djtuini djtuini
18-21, F
4 Responses Oct 25, 2006

frist lovers are always heartbreakers so forget abt dam coz lyf goes on

Sweetheart I love ur dependence on God this is the wisest thing anybody can do. You see God is our Father, He will never forsake Us whilst man will ..i luv u keep it up

I am a lesbian so find all this religous stuff a lil woozy but wish I could let go of my first love and be happy for myself. Thanx x

You have written this story so well djtuini.<br />
<br />
A story filled with so much sadness and dispair, until you reached your turning point.<br />
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For a different reason, I have been to that place you described, and like you, a switch went off in my head that told me to stop defining myself by the standards of others.<br />
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Celebrating with you, your new life :)

proud of u girl.keep ur head up.GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE U.