Don't Spin Your Wheels In the Mud...
When I was a teen there was a couple of times that I thought that an infatuation was true love, as infatuation can be such a strong and intense emotion that it at times can be mistaken for "being in love".
I was fourteen when I met "Jessie", and I melted into a pool of mush as I was absorbed into his bright, almost neon blue eyes. The thing with his eyes that grabbed me also was that they were mood changing eyes, they would go from jump out and bite ya blue, to gorgeous jealous green, then other times were gray like the sky is just now after the storm. Yet other times they were an unidentifiable color that was like a star burst shape around the pupil that was so beautiful! He was funny, and he was four years older. A man, I thought and so very easy on the eyes.
"Jessie" and i would hold hands on my grandparents sofa, and as soon as the room was void of anyone but "Jessie" and I, we would steal small kisses and whisper sweet things to each other. I thought i would die of loving him. I had never been happier.
Eventually the family came to feel okay about "Jessie" coming into my room to talk with me and hold my hand. But then, one Sunday evening with the sun shining brightly through those yellow priscilla curtains warming us, as vivid as our love, "Jessie' shocked me with something i thought was so grotesque! Something I could not believe he would do, and wondered why he would want to , to start with. We were kissing ever so gently, his lips wet and full, pressing into mine while butterflies in my stomach had gone wild, and I felt things that I just could not explain being so inexperienced. And then suddenly, "Jessie" ruined the moment by sliding his experienced tongue into my mouth!!! Not even recovered from this horible, gross experience, I managed, ""What do you think you're doing??? Why did you do that???" And "Jessie" answered, "What's wrong, haven't you ever french kissed before?" grinning widely. "No! And if that is what you call it, I want no part of it! Keep your nasty tongue to yourself!"
I asked him to leave after first giving his high school class ring back to him that I had once worn so proudly in front of my young friends at school.
Later, after I had gotten a little older and a little more experienced with the kissing game, I began to remember my first real kiss, by my first "love', but he was gone. So, I wasted two years spinnning my wheels in the mud trying get him to love me, trying to get him to stay with me, but all he ever wanted was this making out thing and he never wanted to really be my one and only. I wanted for him to be "in love" with me too. It never happened. Everytime I turned around there was another girl, so I wasted 2 years of my youth doing what I call "spinning my wheels in the mud". Wasted time, wasted tears, all for nothing. I advise you kids who are at that tender age of first kisses and infatuations to be in tuned to what you feel. When the emotion is so strong, it is like you will die if you do not see that person one more time, when it is so intense that you feel like your heart is within a tight fist being squeezed and bleeds, then this will be infatuation. if the feelings are mutual between you and the one of interest, and you don't find yourself constantly pining away for that person but actually laughing with them and comfortable with them....this is love. Love is comfortable, it doesn't "hurt so good", it is just good...this is real.