What Once Was...

I read a story before I started writing mine where the author was saying that we don't really know how much a person, a first love can and will impact us until after everything happens. She couldn't be more accurate.

I guess I'll start by saying that, what happened to me may have happened to other people before. I met a guy, I got to know him, I fell for him, things happened, we parted ways. Except, he and I never actually called each other girlfriend and boyfriend. Never. In fact, I was too wrapped up with labels that I was always dying to see the day in which he would officially ask me to be his girlfriend. But now, two years later, I realize that no labels or words were needed in order to see that we pretty much did have something going on without having the entire world know. We had something, but at the same time- I'm not sure what.

I met him the summer of 2007, when I was still in high school and was 17. We didn't go to the same schools, but instead met through a friend of mine who had just met him. I remember I had the biggest crush on him from the beginning, and was especially attracted to his cool allure. I'm not sure exactly why I liked him, I just did. Later on, when I got to know him, I realized how comfortable I felt around him. He was the first guy I met that I could be myself with, whether it was my crazy self or my normal self, it didn't matter. He was the only one that truly knew me.

Our meetings was something I always looked forward to, since he loved on the other side of the city and we hardly had time to meet up because of time and school. Sometimes I would skip school or work just to go see him, even avoiding to hang out with my friends just for him. When I wasn't with him, I was constantly thinking of him, missing him. I avoided every other guy who wanted to talk to him because I could only think of him and only wanted to be with him.

The thing about him was that, since we weren't really boyfriend and girlfriend, things were complicated. We often found ourselves arguing over what was going on- we knew there was something there, but we just didn't know what. He made me jealous with other girls, and he would get jealous when other guys would talk to me. He would text me sweet messages, then he would go a week without contacting me. We would trade jewelry with each other, yet we had no label. He would make my day when he would kiss me, and would devastate me when we would fight. I hated him and loved him all at once.

Things changed once he told me about a girl he met- a girl he actually liked. Obviously, I was angry and devastated. Angry because I didn't understand why he did all of this to me, making me think he was interested in me, yet he liked someone else. I was angry that it wasn't me that girl he thought about now. I guess you can say I got a little crazy. I grew resentful with him and everyone around me. I didn't understand how the person I liked the most didn't want me. I couldn't get it through my head. After many arguments and confrontations about this issue, I decided to say goodbye to him for good. He looked for me, but I would constantly ignore him. Until he stopped calling.

A year passed, and I was still resentful, sad, but now I was at the point where I didn't really care about anything. I was in college now, and just wanted to focus on that. Then one day I see a text message from an unknown number, and it was him. I was doubtful at first, but then I decided I wanted to be at peace with him. I knew things would not be how they used to be, but I didn't want to hate him either. So I talked to him again, as friends. I avoided texting him unless he texted me. Incredibly though, he was the one making an effort with me. He would text me often, asking me how I was and so on. He even asked me to actually go out with him to the movies, first real 'date' i guess you can say since none of that had ever happened before. But just as friends, nothing else. It was awkward being in a car with him again, but I didn't let it get to me. I was even more surprised when he called me one day to ask me if I wanted to go on vacation with him and his family on a cruise. I remember asking him why he was inviting me, and he just said that I was someone who he wanted to take. I told him I would think about it and would let him know. Of course though, that never happened, because a few weeks later, we got into an argument about literally....everything. Everything that had happened, everything he had done, everything I had done, everything we thought of each other, just everything. That completely broke any chances of ever having any good relations with him. He contacted me 5 months later, asking me to forgive him, that he was sad and very sorry for any pain he had ever caused me, that he missed me, and couldn't forget himself for ever hurting me. At that point, it was all over for me. I told him to pretend he had never met me, to go on with his life, and that i would go on with mine, as if nothing had ever happened.

Up to this date, it has remained that way. He's nothing more than a memory, someone I used to know. Someone long gone, a stranger now who at one point, meant the world to me. I think of him from time to time, but I guess now I'm too busy working on my future to even think about love or anything about him. all i know is that now, it's really hard for me to meet any guy and not be doubtful of him. When they tell me they like me, I usually run away, or don't give them the chance to get to know me. I don't want to open up. I guess I just want to improve my life first before I decide on anything just yet. Let's see how far I get with all of this.

yanfeb15 yanfeb15
22-25, F
Dec 7, 2012