It Didn't Make Any SenseI was 16 years old (she was 15). The past four weeks had been complete bliss. I had never been so completely and absolutely happy in my whole life. Life seemed perfect. And it was just the start (I was certain) of *all* my dreams coming true. I had this ecstatic feeling of achievement... Up to then, I had been this socially akward dude (even as I was somehow good looking) and women seemed always so out of reach, such an impossible dream. I was so jealous of "everyone" around me having a gf. "How do they *do* it?" I wondered "How do they make it happen? To be loved by the one they love...?" I had had my fair share of rejections (I used to hit on the older, hottest girls at school... and I was so akward at it...) But then one day I met this girl at a friend’s party, we just connected, everything went so smooth... we danced tighly... we talked endlessly the whole night... and in a week or so we were dating, we were boyfriend and girlfriend! Yay! I got along great with her family and her best friend, I even joined in a family trip to visit some of her relatives out of town (and I enjoyed every second of knowing that everyone knew she was MY girlfriend!) I used to visit her at her house (under her mom's watchful eyes) every couple of days or so (juggling extra-curricular activities and stuff). Things went so smoothly, we never had an argument. This was meant to be, forever...
So about four weeks into the relationship, I got to her place, and she has an uncharacteristical long face... There are some of her school friends around so I can't be sure (or ask) what's going on... Finally I figure she's kind of busy with her school friends, finishing some homework, and I decide it's time to go. Saying bye at the door, I finally ask, "what's wrong..?". Fearing the worst (losing her precious "love"!) I ask her... "don't you love me anymore...?" She takes a deep breath, exasperated... "That's EXACTLY it...! I don't love you anymore...!" Crap. WTF? The last thing I want is to be one of those annoying clingy ex-boyfriends, who make a big drama, crying "please don't leave me" and stuff (like the dude in this Group's pic/logo LOL)... So I collect myself, and say cooly... "Oh... OK then... If that's how you feel... then I guess that's it..." I manage to give her some kind of hug, saying something like "it was great while it lasted..." or so, wave goodbye and leave with no drama. "She'll come to her senses eventually" I think to myselsf. "Hey, every relationship has a 'crisis' now and then... this is the first one... oh well". Not wanting to be the clingy bf, I wait for her to get back to me... A week or two go by. I hear nothing back... I decide it's time to visit her, maybe she wants to see me but it's too shy or embarassed to let me know...? So I'm back at her house... She's cold as ice... After 5 or 10 minutes of meaningless chit chat, with she not even looking at me in the eyes, feeling obviously uncomfortable that I was there, I realize this will go no where. I get up, so akwardly... I don't even remember what I said, but leave as politely and un-dramaticaly as I can. Walking my way home, I realize "Holy crap... so this IS it...!"
But oh well... There are so many women out there... I'd surely be one of those guys who changes girlfriends every month or so, haha... After all, that was only the "start of all my dreams come true". Now that I had the "hang of it", it would be a breeze...! :-)
But I just cannot stop thinking of her... What did just happen...?? Months go by... Should I ask her why she "stopped loving me"...? Of course, at the time, I knew nothing of sarcasm... Those words of her, "That's EXACTLY it...! I don't love you anymore...!" in hindsight were just a sarcastic exasperation at my cluelessness of thinking that she just had stopped "loving me", cold turkey, for no reason…. My "cool" reaction, the fact that that it didn't seem to "bother me" at all probably was what REALLY ticked her and unleashed true rage at me... Maybe... I never knew..
After a few months, I learnt that my family (myself included) were moving out of the country by the end of the year... So well, what was the point trying to mend things anyway? What was the point of thinking of her day after day...? But thinking of her day after day, missing her night after night, was just what I did...
By November or so, there was some school event, an end-of-school dinner or something, with families attending. She and her family were sitting a few tables away from mine. I saw her older brother (a really nice guy, very friendly and easygoing). He waved a friendly hello with a big smile, and I smiled and waved back. My ex gf, sitting next to him, gave him an angry stare. I'm usually bad a lip reading, but this time it came across pretty obvious... She told him, "Why the F*** do you have to say 'hi' to him??!". To his amused reply "Why not? he's my friend..!".
Well yeah... She obviously didn't "miss" me.... I didn’t try to approach her that night of course, it was the last time I saw her. I moved away. I never knew why exactly we broke up. About six months later I finally wrote her a long letter (that's waaaay before the Internet...), telling her how much I missed her, apologizing if I did or said anything that bothered her so much. It was like a 2 page letter. I never got a reply... In those countries mail service had never been reliable so I have no idea if she ever got the letter. I have no idea if she got the letter and replied, but her letter got lost in the mail...? Don't know if she read the letter and cried her eyeballs out, or perhaps just ripped it off and toss it in the fire without reading it... No idea.
This is so akward... It was so long ago... 30 years ago... It's nothing I think "often", but now and then, my mind wanders to different times and places, and I remember it all, it all comes back... It still breaks my heart to remember it all, how the most valuable thing I had, just "vanished" like thin smoke. Maybe it was all my fault for being clueless? Maybe someone spread an unfounded rumor about me? (buy what? WHY?). Maybe she misundertood something I did or said...?
I never knew. I should let go. But it still bothers me, not knowing why....
kuryos2 46-50, M 5 Responses 4 Mar 24, 2012