The Pain Is Unbearable

"Stop. I'll never be a part of your life anymore. Goodbye."

The last words of a text nearly 18 hours ago... It felt like such a long time ago but only 24 hours ago was he walking around in my dorm. We were high school sweethearts but we had the fleeting story of going to separate schools. It was going to be tough but we should prevail. We prevailed over everything else...

He and I weren't the most traditional couple. We were both short-tempered, angry people that craved the attention of each other but we both loved to have adventure and spontaneity... He reminded me of myself except more unstable. And I loved every single detail of him. From his permanent imperfections to his comforting words. Every single time we fought we would get better and stronger. But frustration and anger stored itself in a bottle I made, just for him. Secrets were made and lives were kept separate... What's a real relationship if we can't hang out with each other's friends?

We broke up in January... It seemed inevitable. But we still loved each other so much... No matter what has happened we still loved each other. I don't know if we are simply destined for hurt or just simply blind fools wanting to stick to comfort. We saw each other during winter quarter much more than we did during fall quarter. And everytime we saw each other, we hooked up. All the feelings would come, rushing back, flooding my clairvoyant and carefully constructed wall and into a pit of lust and lost feelings. A simple hug or even less... A text message which showed he still thought about me would drive me insane. A simple hug, his hand touching my hand would make me fall completely head over heels again and again without failure. I hated every single moment of it because parting and greeting would be so... difficult. It would make me paranoid and I don't want that. What I want... Is to have him without all these bad feelings that I can't let go because of how... How he honestly screwed up my life.

I'm selfish and perhaps I confused the wanting of a boyfriend who made me feel so happy with just a kiss and actually wanting him. I believe... I want both. But now I'm just left alone again... Forever it seems. The damage is unrepairable, no matter how much I would give up... I can't ever have him again. I can never rest my head against his.. or have him give me his bear hugs where how our hearts would melt together.. Whoever invented feelings and love should have notice heartbreak and make it more bearable. Because I'm just a sad soul who hopelessly and furiously loves an ******* who... Tossed her across the street.
cynima cynima
18-21, F
May 15, 2012