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This is me and this is my journey.

June 2012. Two weeks ago I remembered my first breakup and my most painful heartache. I was barely thirteen when I met him that was April 1996. We became friends. It grew deeper as the years passed by. He went abroad to pursue his studies. I decided to wait for him. We exchanged letters. We shared our stories and experiences. I told myself he is the one for me. 3 years later he went home from abroad. He took a two weeks vacation. That was the week before my 18th birthday May 2000. We talked about the things that happened to our lives while we were away from each other. Then one day while we were eating at Fridays on my 18th bday he told me that he likes me. I don't know what to say. It was a dream come true. Though deep inside we had this silent understanding of our untold feelings We had for each other. I told him that I like him too. I knew deep inside me that it was more than a like. The truth was I ve been in love with him since I was 13. We were so happy together. As the saying goes he needs to go back abroad and continue his studies. "I promise I will wait for you", that was my parting words for him. We again exchanged letters this time it is more exciting and sweet. We do say I love you, I miss you, and if one of us talk about future instead of "I" it has been always a "WE".I was so inspired by the thought that somebody out there loves me as much as I do love him. It was the most memorable time of my life where life was so simple and less complicated. I always waited for the mailman to come to read his letters and stories. Every letter i read made me smile and cry at the same time. i didnt notice i already saved 2 shoe boxes full of his letters and cards. imagined the effort and waiting for these letters to come. Imagined how personalize these letters were. Most of it were hand written. I missed all those times. When we exchanged letters endlessly. Friend always told me long distance relationships don't work. I told them ours is an exception. That was what I thought. A year after he broke up with me. He didn't say the reason why. He just did. I tried to convince him not to. If he wanted space I will give him but not break up. I came to the point that I wanted to kneel infront of him not to leave me. Yes true I step down to that level. My life revolves around him. he is my life. He is my all. He broke up with me thru letter he doesn't even has the nerve to do it over the phone. That was the most painful part. I thought I stopped living. I barely eat, I barely go to school. I was nearly kicked out from school because of failing grades. I was crying every night. I just eat for the sake of eating, I just go to school for the sake of studying, I just live for the sake of surviving. That time was the darkest day of my life. I barely survive. Crazy it might seem but it is the truth. I ve been loyal to him. I ve been idealistic and I ve been a dreamer. That in every story it would end up in happily ever after. Years after I had 3 boyfriends after him. Still it didn't go us I expected. They always complaint that there is missing. I knew what it is. It is my heart. A huge part of it was taken away from. I know it was I to blame. How can I tell them that I'm still in love with MR. F. I'm not that inconsiderate. I knew I broke they heart. And I regret doing it it was not my intention. I've been always praying to Him that He help to move on. And be happy. 2005 I decided to marry my current boyfriend. When I marry Mr. H I promised to give him my heart and my soul. I decided to be the best wife as I can be. it seems perfect at first. Months after we started to argue. We didn't notice we quarrel everyday. After 11 months I decided to give up. It's not working. I know its my fault again. i thought getting married is the answer to the loneliness and emptiness i felt inside. i tried my best to be a good wife if not the best. he knew that. I learned how to cook and prepared him some meal. my family supported his studies. he was a full time student im the one who give his allowance. and my parents pay his tuition fee. he didnt try to ask help from his parents, relatives or brothers. it was us who supported him. it is the least i can do since i cant love him fully. i told myself i was too young to be a sugar mommy. i salute my parents for the support they have given me. one day i realized it is too much. he is being too possessive and demanding. he always wanted to go out. i told we cant since what im earning is just enough to support the both of u. i told him we are lucky that my parents pays the apartment, utility bills and food. if not we are dead but i think he is not thankful. he doesnt appreciate the good deeds of my parents. i then started to be demanding. i told him if he can find a part time job while studying. since my salary is so small for both of us. i was only 22 then. what salary do you expect for a 22 yr old employee. We argue a lot. He can't find job. Then he decided to stop studying a find a job. He found one he was forced to resign since his oter co workers doesn't like him. Then he found a new one. He was fired. We started to quarrel everyday. I told him what s wrong with You. Why you can't stay in one job. Then my father told him to work abroad which he did on 2007. he always blame me. why i cant be contented for what we have. i told him, tell me what we have that we can call our own. we have nothing. we dont even have a place we can call our own. i told him he is the husband. he should supportnhis wife. he told its not his duty to support me since we dont even have a child. though we are continent away imaginge we still manage to fight everyday. i told myself this is not me. We are starting to hate each other. Then I decided to file an annulment. I took him 2 years to agree. Though we live separate houses. He told me once. He knew it from the start that I don't love him. That I'm in love with someone else. I told him I never cheated on him. That I've been loyal to him. That I've been doing the duty of a wife. I supported him all the way. He told me it was not enough. I should at least exert effort to at least learn how to love him. It struck me. I thought I was just doing fine. I was wrong. That fact left us both crying. I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw how deep it was. Those were my eyes 4years ago. The eyes of a broken heart. He blurted out that it was Mr. F whom I'm in love with from the beginning. He told me he never see my eyes twinkle when I talked to him. But when he asked me about my first relationship he saw my eyes twinkle and happy. And it broke his heart. He then knew it that he can't captured my heart. It took him two years to sign the papers. I was stupid I know that. Here is the man who loves me dearly. But I can't see him. Here is the man who values me. But i ignored him. Here is the man who is more than willing to give his life just to make me happy. But I let him go. I'm really stupid I know. I will regret this someday I told myself. I saw the pain, love and hatred from him when he finally agreed to signed the docs in2009. I Nov 2009 I received letter from Mr. F it is thanksgiving he wanted to thank all the people who helped him to be the person he is now. And he considered me one of those persons who helped him. He told me he heard I was married and he was happy that I finally met the person who can love me the love that I deserve. That he is happy for me. I answered his letter and blamed him all the misfortunes happened to my life. That I hurt a lot of people because of him. I even ask him he if really loves me the time we were together or he was just too idealistic to know what love was. He answered my letter he told me that he does love me me then. That there was no third party involved. That he values his relationship with me. It left me crying. He told me that someday if our path will meet again he hopes to have a talk with me. I told myself perhaps we really need to talk. We will just wait for that time to come........... Finally my annulment with Mr. H came to an end last Dec. 2010. But when it was final why I'm not happy. Why I can feel this emptiness again. Why am I crying. Why am I hurt. Why am I devastated. I then realized that I was in denial. Months after I heard he got married. He now had a baby and I heard that he is now happily married. I thanked God that he healead Mr. H's heart sooner than I expected. Thru Facebook I saw how happy they are. Though we are not friends in FB. Luckily he didn't block my name so I can still view him thru search. Mr. H I pray for your happiness and for your forgiveness for the pain I caused you. I'm thankful that I've met you. June 2012 I received a message from a friend that Mr. F is in the country. I don't know what to do. If I will contact him. It made me sleepless for a week. A friend told me that he will be staying for 2weeks only. A lot of courage and effort I called him. I was nervous that time. I can feel my hands are sweating. I can hear the heartbeat of my heart. I barely breath. 1 2 rings. Someone answered the phone it was his nanny. I told her if i can talk to Mr. F. She asked who is on the phone. I told her it was me. I knew she stills remember me. She sounds a bit surprised perhaps. I thought it was years before he answered the pone. I was breathless when I heard his voice. I didnt notice I was already crying it has been 11years since I last heard his voice. I then realize that it is still him after all these years. I can't speak all I wanted is to hear his voice. Just listened to his voice. Perhaps I sounded stupid while talking to him. Who cares. The most painful part is that I felt that he doesn't love me anymore. And it break my heart for the second time with the same peron. I felt dying. When he told me he needs to hang up the phone and say goodbye. I know it by then that it is really a goodbye. It was so painful that up to this moment I can still feel the pain. My tears are still uncontrollable. That all these years it still him. I don't know how to cope up this time. I'm so lost. And I'm dying inside. February 2013 I went to Mr. F's house. I picked something send by his brother who happens to be my best friend way back in highschool. It was long overdue I grabbed every reason not to go there. But I run out of reasons this time. I need to do this. Though I know he was not there I'm so nervous and excited at that time. It has been 13 years since I saw and visited the house. When I arrived at their house I remembered everything. The memories. The hope. The love. The simple life. The smile. I glance inside their house. I saw his pictures. And it made me smile. I saw the pictures when he was still young. The boy I started to love. This is the truth. And I already accepted it. If second life is true I hope my story with Mr F will have a happy ending. I'm not hoping that we will end up together. At least we will have a proper separation. March 2013, now I'm still wandering. What happened to my life. I messed it up. I ruined myself. I hurt people mostly Mr. H. Maybe this I deserved. To be broken. To be left I out. This is my karma. I have two question left unanswered 1. why mr. H didn't exert any effort to win me back. He didn't fight for me. Did he really love me. Because if you love someone you will fight for her whatever it takes. You will not surrender. You will do everything to fix your differences. But it didn't happen. What happened few months after our annulment he got married. So it left me hanging. Was there a third party involved that I am not aware of. That he is having an affair immediately after he went abroad. The fighting and arguing are these his tactic to make me angry and file an annulment. So that he is not to be blamed afterwards. Is he only acting when I saw his pain and love. This will be the question that I think I cant find an answer. 2. When will I be happy again. Will someone accept me the way I am now. Will someone come to dry the tears I'd cried. Will someone heal the wound that I have right now. Will there be someone to teach me the true meaning of love. Will I be capable of loving again. Will I hear ever "they lived happily ever after". This is me and this is my journey. F
Lostsoul05 Lostsoul05 26-30, F Jun 17, 2012

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