I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this for a month now. Every time I start, I always get off track or start to sound a little depressing. Although I suppose that’s what happens when you try to fit three years of thoughts into one small account. The essence of the story is that what I want more than anything is to hold her hand again, to see her smile and hear her laugh; because she is all that I want in my life. No amount of money, friends, or job could give me what she did.

I met her September 12th, 2009; a mutual friend introduced us and she blew me away instantly. I saw her again that night at a football game and knew that she was something special. We started texting and two weeks later I was hers and she was mine. We were so happy, I loved seeing her so much that if we couldn’t arrange to do something, I would ride my bike to her neighborhood and we would meet up just for ten or fifteen minutes. Normally I was shy and anti-social but with her, I was confident, and comfortable no matter what the situation.

I loved her more than I can put into words, which made it that much harder to see when I had started making mistakes. I moved schools, and I was so sad that I had to start over while she got to stay in the place that I considered my home. I became jealous; I would act rudely if she ever brought up any friends or any parties that she was going to. I became paranoid that some other guy was going to steal her away from me while I wasn’t there. Though the thing I regret the most is treating her like a psychologist. I constantly complained to her about everything that was going wrong in my life and she tried so hard to help me, but I wouldn’t let her. She was such a beautiful girl inside and out; she didn’t deserve to have me dragging her down.

Eventually it became too much and after a year and a half, I lost her. A few months later I had to move out of America and into Australia where I am now writing this story, three and a half years later.

In that time, I told myself I hated her, that a life without her would be better for me. I now know that I was just trying to cover up pain. I know that I just refused to acknowledge my own failures that lead to my losing her. I’ve recently started talking to her again. Being the sweet person she is, she hasn’t held anything against me from my past and just treats me like a friend. Of course she has a new boyfriend who makes her very happy. I always knew that she was too special to remain single for long.

All I want now is to find a way for her to be a part of my life again. Even if we aren’t meant to be together I want to know that it is because we are incompatible and not because I screwed up. I know that if she read this it would probably do the opposite of attract her but like I said, I’ve been thinking about this for three and a half years. I needed to get it off my chest.

I also know now that the past is the past and no matter how hard I try, I wont be able to change it, but I also believe that not being able to change the past doesn’t mean that I should give up on trying to change my future. I hope that one day I can hold her hand again and make her laugh; even if it were just for a day, it would make the last three years worth it.
jphegan jphegan
22-25, M
1 Response Aug 16, 2014