In Hindsight, I Wasn't Ready

Ah, the wonders of the internet.  I can write about my first time w/o any of my friends finding out.

We were both 19 at the time.  He had been "pestering" me for months and trying to guilt me into it.  His lines were:

If it weren't for you, I would've gone to that other university (a more famous one, one that offered him a bigger scholarship).  It was probably true, but nevermind that I was trying to talk him into going to that other one myself.  I was willing to do the long distance thing; we would've only been 1.5 hours away by car.

Don't you trust me?
Don't you love me?
Don't you want to try it?

How long are you going to make me wait?  I've already waited for two years.

Now, before you men think 2 years is a long time and I should've put out 22 months prior:  we were not "puritanical", he had plenty of "attention" in other ways.  AHEM. 


ANYWAY.  So at some point, he went and purchased a pack of condoms.  Then we were naked and fooling around in bed one day and he got up and started to put one one. 

I freaked out. 
(out comes the 'valley girl')

I was like,
...um, what are you doing??

he was like,
...oh, I should put this on so I don't accidently get you pregnant.

I was like,
um, no, you're not going to get me pregnant, we're not 'going there'.

he was like,
oh, i'm not, i just want to be close to you.

and I was like,
no, don't, you're just gonna wanna keep going, I know you, and I'm no ready.

and he was like,
don't worry, I'm not going to do anything, I just want to make sure I don't get too excited and some freak accident happens and cuz you're too close you get pregnant


It went on a little bit longer, but I don't remember it all, I just remember thinking he's trying to wear me down, make me agree to do it just because there'll be a "point of no return".

And I was right.  At some point during the fooling around, he started up again with the "don't you love me?  I came here to [insert univ name] for you... "

It was a pretty crappy experience over all.  I was emotionally not ready, I cried after that and I felt really gross, not loved or any closer to him. 

In hindsight, it signaled the downward march of that relationship.  I wasn't ready, I was always scared, and I turned frigid whenever he tried to initiate after that.  We broke up about a year later; he told me he loved me like a sister.

What can I say.  I was a late bloomer.  He pushed me to start and it backfired. 
My next boyfriend after that was plenty happy with my performance, and I was a full and engaged participant.  :-p
hansel hansel
31-35, M
12 Responses Feb 23, 2007

I Agree, it sounds as though he had rapped you. Sorry to say... but my first time wasn't all that great either.

Very entertaining and well written story. I will not spend a lot of tine debating the semantics of your story. To sum it up, you seem smart and to have a good head on your shoulders and he was a whiny manipulative jerk that by now I hope he has discovered women do not find attractive. As a man there is nothing that really grinds my gears like a whiny dude trying to beg, borrow and steal for sex. Seriously grow a pair man. <br />
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As I said before, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and am sure that you have learned and grown from the experience and he is still trying the same pathetic tactics. I wish you all the best.

atleast you did get out of the relationship. And hopefully learned something about yourself.

He should never have done that. I can completely understand his frustration, I would be upset after two years too, but no means NO. You stop immediately after that, and never pull the guilt trip card. This guy sounds like a jerk.

bleh. i get what people are saying about not letting him get that close if you didn't want him to go all the way, but he was basically wearing it down to an all-or-nothing situation, in terms of your relationship. you pretty much would have had to break it off with him to say no. and that's very hard, especially when you have been so intimate - those are hard ties to cut. he did a sucky thing. that's not cool at all. you essentially said no and he did it anyways. i won't go further than that, but wow. what a bastard. yes, in hindsight, you probably should have seen where things were going, and said, "i obviously can't give you what you want, so we'll have to break it off," but that's incredibly difficult. oh, well. sorry, hun. hopefully if you ever find yourself in a similar relationship you'll see the signs and get yourself out of there before he hurts you.

Honestly, I read your story and from my perspective, he raped you. You said no and he kept going. You said no, don't put on the condom, I don't want to have sex, and then he ignored you, and forced you to have sex with him. You weren't "leading him on": you told him you were willing to fool around with him, but not have sex with him. There is nothing unclear about that. Someone can be okay with being physical with someone without wanting to have sex with them. Fooling around, and doing something with a possible side effect of pregnancy are two very different things. I am not saying that sex outside of marriage is bad, or anything like that, simply that part of having sex and being ready to have sex is knowing what you were going to do if the birth control fails and being comfortable wit the possibility of going through that with the person you are having sex with. "respectable" you say that you have a right to your opinion. Fine, then have your opinion. But thinking that it is okay to have sex with someone after they have said no means that in your opinion rape is okay. <br />
There is a reason you didn't want him touching you after that. He violated your trust and showed that he had no respect for you. I am glad that you were able to move past that experience, and have a lovely, healthy, sex life with your future partner.

first times are usually akward

The idea of "not being ready" and then teasing a partner relentlessly needs more examination than the idea of "not being ready" all by itself. I don't have to know this nineteen year old to know that if a nineteen year old isn't "ready," then she has far more problems than her partner who was acting quite normally, being confronted with a naked partner tme and time and time...and time again. I would not call this "not ready." I'd call it "not normal." I didn't say there was anything "wrong" with it; my point is that there was a problem here, it wasn't her partner, and since you're entitled to your opinion, I suppose it's not greedy to have one of my own.

respectable, none of us know this girl so how do you personally know she was ready? <br />
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I fooled around a lot with my fiance before I was ready to sleep with him - probably 'cause my first time was so crappy! And there's nothing wrong with that.

No, you were ready. This should be titled "In Hindsight I didn't really like him all that much." You led him. If you weren't going to **** him you shouldn't have kept giving him (apparently unlimited) signals that you were. There's a five letter word for that, Barbara Bush doesn't rhyme with it, and by saying you "weren't ready," you still don't seem to have come to terms with how you treated him.

the guilt trip game is never fun. i am sorry that you didn't have the experience that you were looking for. i found myself actually angry for you at the pressure this guy used. :( hugs.

The first guy you were with sound sick. At least the guy you are with now is good.