Items In HindsightsIn retrospect, I realize that first times are over exagerated and overrated. So many thoughts...on how I feel and how I think I should feel...all battle out thinking back. The one bit I hold close and realize is the advice that you should never regret a thing. Live life without regret.
For quite some time due to the battling of my spiritual and primal self...I held an unnecessary amount of regret in regards to my first time. I felt that the experience was not as "special" for it wasn't with someone so "special". We were not even in a relationship thought of as being together. Hindsights...We were together though. I hold no regrets because I now hold her in the special light. She's "special" because she was my first...although not first love as thought of by the mainstream...love nonetheless. We had SOMETHING if we shared what we did to the frequent extent of which we did. Some call it: buddy buddies, **** buddies, friends with benefits.
As naive as I was at the time, I felt that I was doing wrong...but really what we had was a beautiful thing. Both parties were in agreement and we often communicated how exactly we felt the state of our union was. And I dare not to call her a liar...during those times we were even exclusively sharing our physical selves to only one another. I firmly believe in looking back it wasn't a matter of lust that prompted the relationship we had but it was a culmination of things...neither of us had the life in a secure bubble, we had **** being flung at us, issues and all, coupled with the two of us having very generous primal cravings...and we through a gift of happenstance came to meet and provide for one another an outlet...release...and found, to ***** everything down to bare facts: COMFORT.
I do not know if we would have maintained the relationship we had indefinitely if I hadn't let it go because of naive feelings of regret...thinking I was sharing a sacred experience with the wrong person. I realize now that because we both knew where we stood and made the conscious decisions we did...the whole of our history was/is sacred.
This is all not exactly the burden I intended upon lifting off my chest though. What I truly wanted to share was the first time that I firmly believe COULD HAVE BEEN. She would have been the girl I was involed with prior to my sacred buddy. She would be the one to which I gave my first kiss. To put this all in context; I lost my virginity on new year's day (at the current moment I can't exactly recall if it was the night of the eve or the night of the first itself) My first kiss was not long before. It was towards the end of my junior year in high school while school was still in season.
I wasn't shy in general but I was around girls I found myself attracted to. So I never could get to the point and ask them what I felt I needed to. Now back to this girl who could've been my first. Our union was coincidental...she was from another school but happen to be with a friend of hers at my school's talent show type program. I and some friends performed a dance I had poorly choreographed. And I caught her eyes as a very fun loving guy. See back then I THOUGHT GIRLS WANTED WHAT WAS GOOD FOR THEM. So I spent much time striving to be just that. Aside from looking like Brad Pitt...I became that guy to the tee on paper. We're talking the highest ranked boy in his class of 688...not captain (and not very good) but started on all sides of the field in the football team, participating member of the basketball team, eventually switched to cross-country and then did the full-circle swing like chris klein's character in american pie to acapella choir. I never concerned myself with being a jerk the girls always cried about ...but the jerks had them for at least the moment I never got. THIS CRUCIAL aspect of my failure to understand the balance of the naughty and nice I needed was what doomed the potential for my first kiss and me.
She was looking for a fun guy. Not nice guy. During the moments of, I guess we could call courtship, I was just too nice. I didn't toss up the spice I needed to. And she was going through some things and trying to get over some guy...I was to be the rebound and I being as naive as I was found it all unnerving. I WANTED TO BE HER NUMBER ONE and not some guy she settled for. But still I didn't have opportunities to be in courtship often so I pressed and stressed her on. I eventually grew on her and I was heavily infatuated with her to say the least...one night as many nights before I went over after midnight because her parents tended to a donut shop and work started then...often we'd do "sweet" things like cuddle up to i think i remember it was anastacia...or go for a drive and she'd scare the living **** out of me because she looked like an asian ghost woman with the long straight black hair (i was telling her scary stories when she had decided on glaring at me beside a lake we were driving by...I screamed like a ***** by the way)...or we would just talk....and me being the paper "perfect" boy i WAS...i was perfectly happy and in not much want for more. I wasn't after instant gratification with her...but tell me, i firmly believe in hindsights she wanted me to be just that.
Keep in mind...we were like a couple...an "item" if you will, but throughout our whole "time" it was never "official." Being young and dumb...naive...I didn't realize how little that all really meant. I didn't realize the most important fact was that I had her and she had me and it didn't matter who knew and was to know.
Back to that one night...she lead me to her bedroom and turned the radio up loud. I remember it had the sounds of latin hip hop...somehting relaxing and at the same time erotic...similar to Rockell-In a Dream (if that wasn't the exact song). I remember we laid on her bed and she gave me my first kiss. NOW THIS IS WHERE THE ROAD FORKS. Me being the dumb **** I was...naive as a ******* 8 year old...I (feel free to laugh at my expense I'm over it but just looking back over the shoulder) tilted my head back to have some space to whisper....
"Does this mean we're an item?"
ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME!? YES those are my EXACT words whispered as sad and pitiful as a poor dumb sap can say it.
She withdrew and clammed up. I could very well be grossly wrong and horribly conceited to believe this...but I firmly believe she and I would have shared our first times (yes in the very sexual manner) that very night had I not been such a ******* baby. I don't know maybe she felt guilty at that point knowing that she only wanted instant gratification and she knew that I wanted something more indefintely. I KNOW THIS MUCH...she ends up getting in to the wave of ecstasy pill popping and becoming (back then in my mind) very sexually promiscous. Even my best friend's little brother had these exact words in reference to her, "Guess who gots some Korean ********?!" Not that he had nerve enough to tell me but that was said to his brother. I was much too jealous back then so everyone knew to keep it all secret from me. Months and possibly even a year after all that jazz a different friend slipped up and let it all out.
I PROBABLY WASN'T READY back then. And in hindsights everything is trully 20/20 clear. I really do wish she and I shared each other in that way. Because I realize now that I am a very sexual being...and I'm in tune with my sexual nature. I don't think I qualify as being sexually promiscous...but all that jazz doesn't even matter. All that I care about is does that primal moment mean SOMETHING...more than money but not as grand as love. Just something as simple as what it is. An act of communication...in one of its highest forms. I really do wish that night we had communicated for at least what would have been WHO THE **** KNOWS MAYBE JUST TWO SHORT MINUTES of a MOMENT...when we had one another, and only each other...naked in the sense of being bare...and yet STILL accepted one another and found comforing union in one another.