I've been estranged from my father 8 of the past 10 years. My parents divorced before my first birthday and my mother raised my older sister and I.

When I was 3 my father remarried and had another daughter. I loved her like a full blooded sister. As I became a teenager I realized my stepmother was very selfish. She took us on tropical vacations every year in which we would take a voluntary bump off our flight to pay for the travel costs of the next years vacation. She would buy us high end designer clothing for the school year but we would end up with one outfit we would quickly outgrow. We only got 3 Christmas presents a year in which they never had any meaning.

This was a stark contrast between my home life Monday thru Friday. My mother was a single mom working in construction. A vacation was a real treat and I enjoy the memories of those vacations so much more than the others. Christmas was a time of year to spoil us for the rest of the year when she was unable. She was feeding us and buying clothing for us and paying for us to play sports and take field trips. She never demanded more child support than the $100/month she got because she was too afraid it would be cut out altogether.

And then there was my absentee father. He had custody of my older sister and I every other weekend and every holiday. He was never home. He was at the race track. The race track that caused my parents divorce. The race track that he met my stepmother at. The race track that has consumed his life up to this past year.

My freshman year of college the child support ended and the promised financial support of weekly deposits to my checking account were stopped. I had enough of selfish stepmother controlling my father to the point he couldn't provide the help my mother desperately needed in raising 2 kids alone. I wrote a letter to my father telling him how much I loved him but loathed my stepmother. I confessed all the dirty details of their private life that my 14 year old self should never have know. I told him I could no longer be apart of his life with her around.

4 years later we began to talk again after I made the effort to enter his world at the race track. That became our bonding ground for the next 3 years. He called me every Tuesday just to check in. I looked forward to those calls and our Saturday nights together. It was my time with him when my stepmom was not around. I played nice at Christmas dinner with her hung out with my younger sister regularly.

One of my Tuesday calls took a turn for the worst. My father called to tell me my younger sister had thyroid cancer. She has been sick nearly her whole life with a nerve disease that effects her ability to feel. She plays her illness to her advantage to get what she wants. Her and I began to drift apart despite me wanting so badly to take her to doctors appointments and be there for her through her journey.

Everything boiled over on a Saturday night in May 2010 on a race track after my dad placed second in a race. My grandmother asked my stepmother to keep her updated on my youngest sister since my sister never really had a relationship with my fathers parents. My dad has always been awful at communicating. My stepmom went off on my grandmother and somehow, without me opening my mouth, I was verbally attacked for shutting my dad out once. That was the end of our relationship again. The feud blew up so big that my older sister no longer talks to my father.

My older sister got married and has a beautiful son who doesn't even know he has a grandfather. It pained my sister at first to shut him out but she realized how much easier our lives were without dealing with the stresses he induced on us.

So here I am 3 weeks away from moving 3000 miles away for good and my father has no clue. Part of me wants for him to know I'm doing well and I don't need him. I purchased my first home and sold it. I have a nice vehicle and I took a job transfer to be with my soulmate. The other part of me doesn't care for him to know what ever happened to me. I plan on changing my phone number after my grandmother passes because he won't be able to easily get ahold of me ever again.

I'm pretty sure I'm over him and his other family. Somehow I stumbled across my younger sisters twitter account. She had a stem cell transplant from a donor this week. Knowing that they never asked for a blood relative to be tested for a match makes me feel dead in their books.

So as I prepare to make one of the biggest leaps in my life I wonder how my life will go from here in relation to my estranged father. The last time I cut him out of my life I longed to have him back in it and I left room for that to occur. This time it's over. What happens when he gets sick? Hell, what happens if I were to get sick? What about when he passes? Or if my younger sister passes? Who will walk me down the aisle on my wedding day or do I just walk it solo because I've learned to be independent? How do I explain to my future children that they have a grandfather they will never meet? Sometimes I wonder if it's his fault if I never even marry since I have jaded views on marriage. I'm horrified at the thought of me aging and dating and the likelyhood of a child being in the mix from a guys previous relationships.

For now I'm thankful that I have a loving mother and older sister who have been here for me
SomedayHeWillBeMine SomedayHeWillBeMine
22-25, F
Aug 23, 2014