I Really Should've Known Better...

...but for some stupid reason, I let this happen anyway.

I'll do my best to make a long story short. I've known my husband almost forever. We were in the same class as early as the 6th grade. In high school, we dated for not all that long before I decided I was ready to not be a virgin, and let him be the one to do it. A short time later, he moved across the country because his mother became ill with cancer, and we ended up breaking up.

Afterward, I spent the next seven years of my life in an abusive relationship, and it took getting pregnant for me to make the move to get out of it. My son is my godsend, a true gift, and I fully believe that he saved my life. Not long after that, of course, I found myself alone and single with an infant, and the idea of it terrified me.

Within a few months, by accident I ended up getting in touch with my then-ex (now husband) again over the internet. We talked casually at first, then more seriously. He said -everything- I wanted to hear: "I'll take care of you", "I'll be a father to your son", "You won't have to worry about anything", etc etc. The solution to my fear was right there, and I took it. About a year after we started talking again, we got married. Even before we did, there was a part of me that didn't want to do it, and how I wish that I had listened.

My husband isn't bad to me. He's not like the other guy, who used to hit me and tear me down with hurtful words and everything else that goes with being abusive. I believe that he genuinely cares for me, even loves me. Unfortunately for me, I don't feel the same. But this man, all the promises and guarantees he made me? Everything was a lie.

It didn't take me long to discover how truly lazy this man is. He claimed that he -loved- to work, but it took him months to find a job upon moving to where I lived because he "just doesn't like working in a factory/with people/insert excuse here". He's a slob to the point that when he comes home from work, he just takes off his clothes and leaves them wherever he happens to walk, be it the living room couch, bathroom floor, or even the kitchen table. His personal hygene is virtually non-existant. He's dirty and slovenly, and my mother and I have caught him time and again having pissed on the bathroom floor! There's no reason a THIRTY YEAR OLD man should do something like this! Not even my four year old son has this problem.

He's constantly negative, never tries to communicate with me, even when I try to get him to open up. He cares nothing for his physical health, to the point where he's very overweight, refuses to eat any fruits or vegetables, only eats fried foods or something otherwise cooked in straight up oil, refuses to go to the doctor to ensure his wellness, even though his own mother died when she was only forty years old! He never has a good word to say to me. The only thing he says anymore is "I hate my job", and it's gotten to the point where I just don't care to try and talk to him anymore.

The list could go on and on, and believe me, it does. I'm just...tired of this. Even though I got into the marriage part of our relationship for the wrong reasons, I've always thought we could make it work, but it seems that the longer we stay together, the worse he gets. It's to the point where I'm completely depressed and have all manner of depression-related health problems (insomnia being one of them).

I just don't know what to do anymore. We ended up in this huge "discussion" Saturday night because of his feeling that he's "living with a room mate and not a wife". After several hours, I made it clearly known that the reasons for that are entirely his fault. He swears things are going to change, especially in regards of his communication problems, negativity, and careless views on personal health, but I don't believe him anymore. This isn't the first time we've had this discussion, and every time it ends up the same.

I'm seriously considering divorce once I'm more financially stable, because I'm at the point where I know things are never going to change. And frankly? I'm sick and tired of being miserable, lonely, and depressed in my marriage. We'd be far better off without eachother. He doesn't want a wife; he'd prefer a maid, mommy, and fuckbuddy. As for me? I swore I wouldn't ever let anybody treat me like that again, and now I'm letting it happen.

I'm about through at this point, for good.
Trinea Trinea
26-30
Jul 12, 2010