And I Wish I Knew How To Deal With It
We have been together for about 14 years now and the fact that we are both first born kids ourselves (can be bossy and 'know-it-all' types) and both of us having various trust issues from our past....it's no surprise that we are in this position.
When we first dated, I had just undergone a big transformation in my life. I was finally learning to be more trustful of others and to be less judgemental - instead of just marking someone up as being an ***, I was looking deeper and see beyond the pain that was causing the offending behavior....
We had more in common back then, and I felt like I had found a true best friend in him. I completely ignored all the warning signs, like that he wanted to be a knight in shining armor to save the girl (I don't need a knight, I was already self-sufficient and living on my own), he also felt like everyone walks around with a huge void that they try to fill with other people (and I truely feel that any void within ourselves needs to be filled by our own Self, and that trying to use other people for this just makes it worse for all involved).
We were both a bit shy at the time and he bolted the first time we were intimate. We didn't talk for about 2 years and went about our own lives. Then he got in touch with me again, told me that he had been scared of getting so close to someone emotionally, and we ended up back together. Within a year we were living together and pregnant with our first daughter. That is when things got worse. After our daughter was born, I became a full-time mom, and he worked full time. It must've been too much responsibility for him, because things got out of control. When the baby would cry, he would physically try to hold me back from getting up, saying that he needed a hug etc. He refused to support her head when picking her up/ holding her.( He claimed it would build her neck muscles.) We argued ALL the time. He then started staying out until 4am, stopped paying bills, threatened to take our daughter away from me and go to California, told me that if he could kill me all his problems would be solved... He was also hanging out with his ex and told her that if we broke up and she divorced her husband that they could live together. I broke up with him and moved in with my mom for the summer. We ended up doing the counseling thing and tried to work things out.
And it did get better again - and we got pregnant again. With the second daughter on the way, he did not want to work anymore, so I went back to work and he stayed home with our 20 month old daughter. During this time I found a note he wrote that said "I'm special I cheat" which he claims our daughter wrote. He had also left her alone in the car, and in the bathtub. I was so stressed and worried while I wasn't home that I quit my job and told him to go get a job. When our girls were 1 & 3 yrs old, I was doing certified child care and he would put me down saying it's not a real job, that it's like selling tupperware (which is what his ex was doing at the time).
At one point, he got an equity loan for some projects on the house. But, he only spent a minimal amount on the house and blew close to $10,000! (which we now get to pay back for the next 30 years) I still have no idea on what. I thought maybe he was gambling? because he wasn't staying out late(as in having an affair). His dad gambled and blamed their money problems on the wife eating out at McDonald's too much, and my husband grew up believing thatwas what happened. I've noticed a few members of his family actually lie quite a bit - 'facts' are often changing, blame is shifted onto someone else.... And in my family, alot of us do have resentment and anger issues. I, myself, do not want to offend anyone, so I end up a doormat. I would like to be respectful, but not used or abused. I get angry to a certain point, then I just shut down.
I know he is insecure, and I feel like he tries to make me jealous, because to him that would show that I care...He also likes to argue, saying that arguing shows you care also. To me, it just seems like trying to prove you are 'right' and/or the other person is 'wrong'. And I do not like confrontation. I pick and choose when to stick up for myself. (I usually tend to withdraw from situations/ feelings if I am not being heard) At one point he did physically push me up against a wall, and I told him that if he ever did that again, he would not see me or the girls again. And the physical aspect did not happen again. Even though I know that his behavior is all part of his defense mechanisms, after 14 years of hearing how anything I do isn't really worth much, because he is the main money maker, that does take it's toll. My husband is in the National Guard, and even earlier today he was telling that if he were to put my name into some system they have, it scans the iris of the eye, and he could lable me a terrorist, that there would be cops at the door to get me and nothing I could do about it. It is like he is trying to threaten me into caring about him again. I don't know if I can. I can not trust him.
I have no respect for him. He lies to me and the kids all the time, whether just exaggerating facts or changing facts in what he is saying. He has even told our oldest daughter that I have a boyfriend! I don't have any friends that I hang around with anymore. (I have over time stopped talking to other people) I have kept myself going for many years by reminding myself that it won't be forever. If we did not have kids, I would've left a long time ago, but he feels it ok to leave a baby home alone in the crib if you are only going to the gas station, and to leave them alone in a vehicle because they are strapped in a carseat, and he would fall asleep most of the time that he watchds them while I was working. I tell myself that when the kids are old enough to care for themselves, I can leave. I don't know how to work through all the resentment towards him - and towards myself! I am so angry with myself for getting myself into this situation.
I have been so down on myself. I have felt like I hated him. And, now, all I feel is dead inside.