All These Years Meant Nothing To Him

I hate him, I resent him, I'm mad at him and I'm so crushed how this is happening. We walk by like no one was there. We've lost respect, actually that was lost a long time ago. He is in his own little world so as much so as I am. As a woman, I'm more sensitive and still yearn for I guess his touch, his softness. When I look into his eyes I feel the pain, the hate, and in turn makes me hurl inside. He doesnt have to continue to hurt me cause I do that to myself quite well. We both hurt inside and want to take it out on each other but, I'm too weak to absorb one more insult. I've done things wrong in this marriage but nothing of the lines of cheating. Just spending money when I shouldnt have been, too jealous at times, nagging/bitching, asking 20 questions, and most of all smothering love not allowing him to breathe.  I don't feel as if I can take this guilt anymore. I resent that fact that he feels like in all these years he's gotten no further in life then when we first met. At one point I told him I was going to take care of him and he lets me know how I miserable failed. I was nothing all these years to him, a failure, a liar, a woman who would just make him more miserable.
Right now, my heart bleeds still for knowing he has  no love, at all,  just disgust and disappointment towards me.
Calif39 Calif39
36-40, F
6 Responses May 6, 2012

Be strong for yourself, hold your head high and do not let him drag you down to his level.

I'm In the same boat , what do I do everyday there something else to fight about

This could be my story too, Calif39. Eventually you will realize you don't need his love to be a worthy person. Get healthy and fit. Set your goals. You don't need his respect.

Your comment you are too weak to take another insult. That what hit home for me. You need to talk about it, there is someone here who really understands ok x

The more someone withdraws from the goodness they are given, the more the giver will give in an attempt for some warmth in return. Bless you. I have been there. Take time to see who gives to who here. That its not a crime to spend (maybe as an attempt to find comfort in that where it lacks at home).<br />
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He is putting all his issues onto you cos he cant face them. You bear the emotional load of two people which proves you ar strong. It is not your fault. Never think its your fault. You should not feel guilt when you are only reacting to how he has made you feel. Big hugs to you from someone who did this years.but turned it all round. I hope I did anyway x

Didn't that make you feel just a little bit better, he don't deserve you and you deserve way better than him .