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How Do I Stop Being So Angry?

I feel like I have to fill you all in...  I have been married for 17 years and have two WONDERFUL children!  I also have a husband who is ....., he is now unemployed for the 5th time in our marriage. To make matters worse, way back when we were engaged he took a job interview in a different town, he took this interview, more to get his word out then to actually take the job. We had talked about the possibility, but no firm plans were made to uproot our lives.  To my surprise and horror the next morning I got into work (he and I worked for same company) a girl who was VERY interested in my husband informed me that he called her and told her he had taken the job!!  I was engaged to him and he called her, it should have been a huge red flag, but I was young and naive and I loved him!  So I picked up my whole life and moved to this small town.  We were only going to be there a year before we get back home or even to a bigger city.  I found myself pregnant.  I freaked out because I knew no one here and was getting ready to be a first time mother!  He promised me I could stay home and raise this child!  Well that never happened, and even though I worked I also raised this child and the other that came along just 18 months later.  We are also still in this little town!!  Each time he gets unemployed, it is never his fault and it takes at least a year to get another job (right now it has been 11 months since he worked and has zero prospects on the horizon!)  I search job engines for him and send him links only to be told iI don't want to apply to that type of job because it a basic job!  I feel like he lost the right to be choosy when he lost his job!  Meanwhile he sits around playing videogames (xbox, phone, facebook) and does not even help around the house! He tells me he is "applying" for jobs while at the computer each morning, but I honestly think he is surfing **** and playing Facebook and maybe throwing out a resume. Everytime I get on him, then I am just nagging and he tells me it makes him want to do even less!   Each morning I get up and have to fight the urge to punch him, as he lies there sleeping and I get ready for work.  Because of all the job loses our finances are in the toilet, and he blames me "because I didn't help him plan?!?!" It has even gotten to the point that I am the bad guy with him and the kids, because I am always yelling.  I have threatened to leave and that just puts my kids in near hysterics??  I can't stay and deal with his lazy way any longer, I can't leave and break my kids hearts, and I can't be so angry it is killing me!
Any suggestions?? 
Eddysgirl Eddysgirl 36-40 5 Responses Jun 4, 2012

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It sounds like you are really feeling stuck. My husband did a similar thing and I empathize. One unemployed morning, (my husband never went back after paternity leave) I needed to leave for work and he was to hungover to get up with the baby. I was so mad I lifted him out of bed and told him to get it together or get out. I really meant it and he ended up finding a job. He didn't just need a job though. He needed therapy and medication.

Wow. You certainly have your hands full. Well, I must say I wouldn't be so patient. If I took the Dr. Phil perspective I believe he would be telling you to spell out your needs and tell your selfish husband either be a man or move on and do so with a time frame. You sound pretty strong and it seems you have been doing things pretty well on your own so I would advise you to continue doing so but without the burden of someone who has no obvious interest in your or the welfare of his own children. It sounds like your man is still learning his life lessons on your and your childrens time. Be strong and carry on....alone!

Dear Eddies girl, I sympathise with you. It is nearly 6 months on and I wonder how things turned out for you? My suggestion is based on all I know and it is about finding peace within yourself each day. I am Lifeskills consultant so meditation and visualisation are my key tools as is re-framed thinking. Negative thoughts are destructive. Whatever you decide to do do in peace when emotions are high intelligence is low, so no rash decisions. Have a regular moan or offload to a sympathetic but detached person if you can. All the very best to you ans yours,

FrannieB

I would pray about it, I know that this has got to be gettig old but you deserve to be happy, and if being with someone who provides for you and your family makes you happy and feel valued then you should have that. It's that simple.

I know how you feel about the unemployment and the whole "stay together for the kids" theory. My mom has gotten married twice and divorced twice. It has made me want to stay together in an almost "no matter what" mentality that is rather stubborn. But my husband is unemployed and in and out of school and we were young and naive too. I guess I dont have any real advice but I do have a question for you, what kind of role model do you want to be for your kids? The kind that leaves for good reason because she feels she is taken advantage of and hates the person she has become with her kids, or the kid that feels she can suffer silently in order to show the model of staying together works??