Constant Fighting-he Say's I'm to Blame

Oh my..things have not been good lately.  I know the first year of marriage is supposed to be hard, but this is taking it to a whole new level.  My husband and I met and dated for a year before tying the knot.  When we were dating he was nice, and respectful and we always found things to do that made us jointly happy.  He was also good with my son.  We argued on occasion, but nothing too terrible.  He always complained about something, usually my family (my family has issues, but that's a whole other story).  He is younger than me so I figured a lot of the petty things we argued about he would "grow out of".  Then the ring got put on my finger!  We bought a new house together and I quit work so I could go to school full time.  Now that I'm under the mercy of my husband and without any income, he's changed.  He comes home griping and complaining all the time.  He tells friends that I don't ever cook or clean the house, we do enjoy going out to eat, but I do cook..and I TRY to keep the house clean, but the minute he walks through the door his crap gets thrown all over the place.  If I tell him, or even ask him to put it away he usually doesn't.  I ask him questions just to talk or to get info I need, and he ignores me..or doesn't answer.  When I ask again or ask why he didn't answer, his reply is usually that he did I just didn't hear him! BS!! He's mean to me and my son now, and when he picks fights he always blames me for them!  ALWAYS!  His step father was verbally abusive and I think he's picked up this bad habit..and it's not one I want my son picking up!  This is my second marriage, and I don't want it to end, but it looks as if we're on a train headed off the tracks and I don't know what to do!  I'm stressed all the time. After we fight he immediately mocks me..Aww did I hurt your feelings, poor Baby..and then wants sex..I DON'T!!! When I'm mad I don't want him near me..Then he gets more mad that I won't have sex with him..Now I don't if it's the new birth control I'm on or if it's his behavior, but I almost never want sex any more..I can't even climax!  I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of feeling unloved, and hurt, I'm frustrated, and I just don't know what to do...I don't have a job, I don't have income, I don't have anywhere to family is not a safe haven..and it seems I've turned to shopping as a "cure" which is horrible since I don't need to spend money..I need a therapist, which I can't afford!  I just don't know what to do..he would pick a fight with me if he knew I posted this..he probably wouldn't talk to me for a week..Maybe that would be good, at least we wouldn't be screaming at each other.

mostsexysmile mostsexysmile
9 Responses Sep 6, 2008

your message gives me comfort, because so much of what you say feels similar to what my relationship is. I'm engaged and have been with him for almost 2 years. we both work 6 days a week, but i work at night. so for the time i do get to see him its very short. Every single day I will clean the house, and I know clean my mom raised me right. I will call him at work and ask what he would like for supper and he'll usually say 'No its okay baby, I can't eat much after being in the sun"(he's a roofer) so when he does come home I take his boots off, make him a, coffee, start him a bath if he wants one and I ALWAYS give him a bak rub, then I rush and get my *** to work which i don't get home from till 3;30am. Everything I clean is his mess from just throwing it on the floor. I came home the other night9(from the first band rehearsal ever) and he wouldn't cuddle. He finely says "Im not happy, I feel bored, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and i don't feel like I'm in a relationship...but the love is still there) This was such a curve ball for me because even though we're busy, I still felt loved even when he didn't want to go out with me anywhere. Now this is where everything started coming together, he said he didn't like the fact that I work and wanted me to get less hours. Then he started mentioning how he feels like I show him no devotion and how he is sick and tired of having to tell em to clean the house... It was then when I tried to tell him that I do clean everyday that everything got worse, he instantly thinks that I'm trying to start a fight with him when all I'm trying to do is converse and defend myself a little. the things he says make me feel smaller and smaller every time to the point where I want to curl up in a corner. He will say things like I do everything for you I pay for all the bills i expect things done a certain way. I have offered to split the rent so many times but he always says "no I'm the man thats what I'm meant to do" but he then hold it over my head as leverage over me, like I'm indebted to him cause he buys me thing, pays for everything, things that i have never asked for... and he wants sex all the time and more then once a day. I'm young and i love sex but Im afraid to say no because I'm tired or cause I'm still hurt from our argument 10 mins ago. If I say no he gets angry and tries to make me feel bad. The heartbreaking part about all this is, when he is done talking he refuses to let the conversation go on any further and always tell me if you don't like it then leave. you don't say or do any of these things to people you love. so last night i listened to him, I got so tired of him building me up then beating me down that i said "you give me 2 options, stay and feel broken n unsure of myself, or i can walk away for good and feel shattered and betrayed but feel proud of myself.... the most sad part of all this is he was like dr. jackal and mr.hyde, he treated me like no other man has ever treated me but it was so easy for him to break me, and each time it was harder and harder to feel like the same women... so now I'm starting my life over, and i don't know if he even cares

I am dealing with this also, i hate the constant arguing day in and day out, it seems like any thing i say to my husband he will turn it into something to argue about, then afterwards im to blame for the argument. we have 2 kids and been married for 3 years and the verbal abuse is getting worse each month. its been 3 years of constant fighting and its making me stressed and depressed!

I am with ya on this one, I am 24 and have been married 6 1/2 years. I have decided that I cant take the fighting anymore we have 2 boys and I dont want them to think its ok to treat me or anyone else the way my husband dose with me. He has been to sole bread winner since we got married and has made me feel bad about me just being myself and making me feel guilty for wanting affection. I have deiced ENOUGH!!! so I am focusing on my next 2 years of collage and getting a full time job and getting the boys in daycare so that I can save up money to do whatever the hell I want, and if in 4 years I still can't stand his *** I am DONE and I mean DONE by then it will be that I have tried to make my marriage work for 6 years and I think that is long enough to "TRY" I know I am not responsible for his happiness but I can be responsible for mine and our boys!

Check with colleges in your area. Some of them have psychology programs that offer free individual counseling or low-cost counseling ba<x>sed on your income. Also, you can find low-cost in-home counseling covered by your state if you are willing to hunt around.

Check with colleges in your area. Some of them have psychology programs that offer free individual counseling or low-cost counseling ba<x>sed on your income. Also, you can find low-cost in-home counseling covered by your state if you are willing to hunt around.

My husband's the same way.. I read this post hoping to get advice.. At least I know I'm not alone:(

Hi I was married to mostsexy smile and yeah i will agree at times I did yell to much but she had problems of her own. Mostsexysmile came from a family that was jehovah witnesses when we first met she was in the rebelling stages. Being in the cult that she was in mostsexysmile never really go to go out into the world and see things for herself so when she did she went crazy. I walked in on mostsexysmile and my best friend having sex and watching **** together. There are really deeper issues than what she explains here. We were together for 2 years married for 7 months and 2 out of those 7 she was cheating on me. Its been really hard she was totally dependent upon me and I took really good care of that kid. In situations like this its the kid that suffers. Now mostsexysmile is working two jobs and living with her parents the divorce is not yet final but I have seen her out with other men on several occasion. Its a sad situation where everyone suffers. I really hope that she can get her act right and give that kid the mother he deserves. Sex is nothing to play with and should be kept within a marriage however mostsexysmile had many problems with having sex with other married men.

my husband is the breadwinner right now too and he acts the same, no matter how hard I try, the house is never clean enough or something isn't right with dinner...I think that it's a swollen ego from being so in control of the household income. I am trying to go back to work asap to regain some independence and perspective.

Do you attend a church or is there a mutually trusted entity you can turn to? It sounds like you two need counseling/mediation. Just someone unbiased who would listen to both sides of your arguments and grievances and draw up a contract would be a big help. If the two of you could get someone to do that and learn how to fight fair it might work out. Only the rich can afford marriage counseling now days and there is hardly any social services available for people through the state or community any more. Nevertheless find whatever help you can get.